Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, April 24, 2006

George Washington on money.

Old George had a sweet deal, his own picture on the dollar bill, money and an ID all rolled into one. Border Guard: “May I see your ID?” George Washington: “Certainly, it’s my good side, don’t you think?” BG: “Hey, are you trying to bribe me or something?” GW: “No, not unless that’s what it’s going to take.” Not only that, George had those famous organic fiber false teeth. Personally, I think it would be cool to have teeth made of the finest birch, wooden chew? Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Little known history of the Great Wall of China.

Marauding Mongols Mangle Manchuria might have been the headline way back when. The leaders of China sought a way to keep Genghis Kahn and his hordes from attacking them. The proposal to build a great wall came forth, and while it seemed a reasonable thing to do, the enormity of the task was formidable. About that time, a spiritual leader came forth with an idea. Instead of the massive wall, why not put up one made of tiles inscribed with a religious incantation that would stop the Mongols in... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, April 17, 2006

It’s just a normal Monday.

I got up, flossed the cat and put out my teeth. I passed myself on the way to work, I didn’t know if I was coming or going, but it didn’t matter, I wound up being twice as late. The only thing I got right all morning was coffee break, and I didn’t even take one. I did take two donuts though and spent the rest of the morning holding them up to my eyes like Harry Potter glasses. Finally lunch time came, so I ate the donuts and wiped the frosting off of my real glasses. Is it true the only thing... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

A timely re-post. Holy sod!

In the quest for a lawn that will make the neighbors green with envy I sought professional help. But my shrink doesn’t seem to know much about lawn care, so I consulted the crew down at the Rentzitall store. After careful assessment of my efforts so far, it was determined that I needed to aerate my lawn. Why? Well apparently a lawn can get sod bound which is not something you can fix with Ex-Lax. From all the mowing and walking, the soil gets compacted and the moisture has a hard time... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Don’t you just hate it when…

I finally decided on a new car. The 4-wheel drive Audi Quattro seemed like a wise choice, given our wide range of driving conditions in the Pacific North West. We can have rain, snow, ice and that’s just in the summer! Ha Ha, no just kidding. The 4-wheel drive option is really handy, as is the sense-a-tronic transmission. It has no external control, a sensor mounted in the headliner of the car reads you minds commands. Simply think “drive” and off you go. When you get there, think “park” and... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Disturbingly warped thoughts.

Don’t read this if you are offended by things that offend you. If you do decide to read this, you might want to grab the nearest lightning rod, unless you believe God has a sense of the ridiculous. I had a dream, and in this dream I was floating up to heaven. When I got there, they said I was just in time for the barbeque. As I walked up to get my hamburger, I was startled to see the Holy One Himself handing out the burgers. “Jesus” I slipped out. “No” He said softly, “but it was a good guess.”... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The music in my head.

I was thinking of Carly Simon, and by golly, I probably was so vain I thought that song was about me, didn’t I? I should have known there had to be a morning after, since someone came along and helped me make it through the night. I woke up, fell out of bed, dragged a comb across my head, give me a head with hair, shoulder length or longer, take it easy the eagle said to me as is flew eight miles high. Strange days indeed. I wanted to relax by picking huckleberries, but I didn’t find any, it... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Would I lie?

Thinking of blogging while one is doing other chores can be hazardous. Take this afternoon for instance. I have a five acre field that is overgrown with weeds, nasty-assed bad knapweeds. These things can take over and if the landowner doesn’t control them, the county can force you to do so. That authority is called the “weed board” and it was only after I tried to join that I found out that’s what they really did. Needless to say, I wasn’t interested. But the weeds are getting out of hand. Well,... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, April 9, 2006

I can almost picture it.

It seems the voluptuous country singer, Ms. Parton has employed a Tibetan spiritual consultant to guide her. He had a few requests, though. He wanted to ride an animal that was a cross between a male big horn sheep and the South American relative of the camel. That particular pairing results in an animal that is mute, so they had to put a bell on the critter to warn pedestrians so they wouldn’t be trampled. It was no ordinary bell however. In fact, they call it the Dolly Lama Rama-Llama... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, April 8, 2006

Pirate attack!

A bold ship looms on the horizon striking fear into the hearts of the passengers and crew of an innocent cruise vessel, “Pirates” escapes everyone’s lips simultaneously. As the marauding man’o war draws nearer and nearer, the ship’s tattered flag reveals confounding details. The once proud green pennant flaps in the breeze and a skull and shamrock can be seen. The crew heaves a collective sigh of relief while the passengers ponder their fate askance. On the bridge, the captain barks orders,... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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