Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Friday, June 23, 2006

The red wire or the blue wire?

The hero mops sweat from his brow, turns to the beautiful girl in the impossibly short skirt and mutters, “ I can never remember on these nuclear devices that can destroy the world, is it the blue wire or the red wire I have to cut to disarm it, save the world and just possibly, get a little tonight?” The girl, hikes her skirt up to a PG17 rating and replies flippantly, “well, if you blow up the world, you aren’t getting any from me!” This is central to any movie that features a device set to... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

What’s so funny?

Humor, that sublime line between truth and the absurd. Humor, it has been said, is one of the most difficult things to write. When I make a joke about, say, Mad Cow disease, how am I to know whether your Mother-In-Law might be a mad cow? That’s your call, and you shouldn’t be so judgmental. Aren’t most judges mental, at least according to those the judgment goes against? See, that little exercise dances around the “truth” as we know it or at least the generalities regarding our spouse’s mother.... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The hard-thinking blogger

Long day, had to work, brain tired, hard to think. Holy caped-crusaders, Batty Man, what’s a super blogger to do? Don’t ask me, I ain’t no superblogger, but I am mighty tired. I want to sit down and blast out something so funny, you’ll split a gut. But then, you would have to go to the hospital to get sewn up, and it’s late. The self-service aisle would be the only one open. Take a needle and some 5.0 silk and suture self. Then go sit on a hot stove. Why? Well, so you can have two ass-burn, call... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Web sites can be deceitful.

Misinformation abounds, check your sources. OK, here’s the deal. I was (ahem) accidentally browsing when I came upon a site that offered nasty photos and the possibilities of connecting with “cute local hotties” and sure enough, there were photos of four nubile supposedly willing young women just panting to meet me. It even gave the town where they lived, Rice Washington (state). The only problem is, Rice is a post office and a convenience store. There aren’t four houses to hold four girls in... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Fathers’ Day, and the mountain

Age, it is said brings wisdom. It also brings senior citizens discounts and certain limits to ones mobility. So now that I qualify for the things that make it easier for an old gaffer to get along in life, why do I insist on climbing mountains on a dirt bike? Perhaps I deserve (as my kids fondly point out) the senile citizens discount. It could be to remind me that I am not as young as I once was, and the tally on that seems to compound hourly these days. So there I was, astride a 215 lb. 1984... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Problems, solutions, the problem with the solution

Problem: Write a humor post and keep it fresh and original. Solution: Just let my mind wander and do sort of a free-fall word association type monologue, sort of. The problem with the solution: Some readers may think I have lost my mind, while others know my mind is next to my socks, if only I knew where they were. It’s a little like this and a lot like that. I went to Strawberry fields the other day, but they wanted me to stay forever, which is, to my best reckoning, a long-assed time. So I... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, June 16, 2006

I got sidetracked

I went to the store to get milk, I came home without milk, how could that happen? Ok, I had a list even, but still left the milk behind. Well, it goes something like this. First, I saw cheese was on the list, and I actually knew where the cheese was! But when I arrived at the cooler I wasn’t prepared for the overwhelming choice. Block or sliced? Individually wrapped or tissue separated? Low fat, non fat or all fat? Swiss, Cheddar, Muenster (perhaps Frankenstein’s Muenster?), Provolone, Cheddar... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Don’t quote me out of context

Caution: when reading the various escapades described in warped thoughts it is best to keep uppermost in your mind, this is a humor post. I was going to say column, but a column is longer and fancier than a plain old short post, so the simile stands, as it should. Besides, if it were a column, I would have to join a writer’s union and then that would make me a card carrying columnist, something some die hard right wingers despise, both the pun and the statement. Some things I exaggerate. My... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Innocence lost

It all started out innocently enough. I wanted to fix the brakes on our car. Not that they were that bad, just a little jerkiness when you stepped on the pedal, but nothing really bad. I still think my overweight neighbor was exaggerating when he said he wanted to ride into town with me so he could “shake off a few pounds”. Ha ha, very funny. So there I was on a rainy Saturday morning gathering up my tools. Lets see now, is the creeper behind the brown Christmas Tree or under the pile of stuff... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, June 8, 2006

Out of my mind

Yes, I just ran out. I have no more mind left it seems. What would it be like to have no more mind, a complete blank? Since one wouldn’t know, one, well, wouldn’t know. I wouldn’t mind losing my mind, as long as I knew where to find it when I needed it again. It would probably be with my missing socks and car keys. Some people employ foreign substances to intentionally lose their minds. A real statement I once heard, “I got so drunk I shit my pants.” Now isn’t that something to aspire to. Sounds... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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