Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

Airbags for motorcycles?

Motorcycling provides the freedom of the wind in your face, to go wherever you want. The freedom to crash into anything you want with only your blue jeans for protection. Of all the things that need protection, those two precious little kernels nestled between the male’s legs are high on the list. Fuel tanks are unforgiving. Motocrossers quite often come back from a race only to step gingerly off the machine. “Tough race huh?” “Yeah, I almost ate it, gave the nads a ride though.” A radio report... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:45 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, June 4, 2006

From the Why Not Files

It has been labeled a fools folly, and really, what other kinds of follies are there? No, I am not talking about a political candidate that can make everyone happy, but I might as well be. Perpetual motion has been the goal of many an enterprising inventor, but alas, all schemes fall prey to the laws of physics. Heat and frictional losses bleed away the energy needed to spin a wheel into perpetuity. Even if you were to build something that would power itself, then what is it good for? You can’t... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 4:29 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, June 3, 2006

Lawn Green, a re-post

My back lawn is not a Bonanza, it is a weed-infested patch of ground that resembles a military munitions testing site. In an effort to make it level I sat on a small tractor and drove backward in circles dragging the bucket until it is now somewhat level. I, as a result was somewhat dizzy. It must have been that dizziness (and the pint of Jack Daniels in the cup holder) that got me to thinking this would be a good place for a pond. Yeah, a pond. Now you don’t have to mow or water a frigging... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 5:20 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, June 2, 2006

Some Friday thoughts

It sits hulking on it’s steel tracks. The Howitzer cannon on the turret has been replaced by what looks like a satellite dish. Inside, a half dozen people wearing strange helmets wired into a central computer, focus their thoughts on wiping out the enemy. After a wile, sparks drizzle out of the dish on the turret, then suddenly a bolt of lightning blasts forth, seeking insurgents wherever they might be hiding. Evildoers are evaporated. Yes, it’s the Think Tank from Crapload Industries. Inside... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:15 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, June 1, 2006

Them olde Thursday Blues

Thursday, not quite Friday, but much better than Monday, a lot of people start celebrating the weekend on Thirst Day. This Bud’s for you. If marijuana is legalized, will Aneheuser Bush sue the pot grower’s of America for the “this bud’s for you” slogan? Will the PGA sue the pot grower’s of America for improper use of their acronym? Will the PGA (motto: We used to have a motto, but we forget what it was) invest heavily in Domino’s Pizza? I haven’t heard any buzz lately about the legalization of... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:41 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Memorable Memorial Day campout.

It was very little like the Bing Crosby movie, “Singin’ in the Rain” unless you consider camping to be the same as singing, in which case, it was very much the same. But the chill damp air forced us to stand closer to the sputtering fire and we got to know each other closely. “Hey, who had beans for breakfast?” “Me, yup, that was me.” “Well, don’t stand so close to the fire, we’ll all go up like the Hindenberg!” “You know, I didn’t like that movie very much, how could they not see an iceberg?”... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:25 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

UFO activity stuns Brits.

Strange geometric patterns, messages from alien visitors, Graffiti of the Gods, of merely the work of some evil prankster? That is what everyone wants to know in the small community of Sufferingsex Under The Willows, England. More baffling than Stonehenge, Eerier than Easter Island and downright smelly are how top scientists are describing a new phenomenon sweeping this small grassy hilled farming community. At first the patters seem familiar enough, but that’s before one gets drift of the odor.... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:46 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Birthdays, bah, humbug

That’s right, I am another year older, happens every May 21. On the bright side, I did get to have my 21 st birthday on the 21 st, even though I can barely remember those days, except that they were good and old and well, 38 years ago. If you are quick at math, you know that I qualify for the senior citizens discount at some restaurants, or as my kids are quick to point out, “dad, you can order off of the senile citizens menu.” Oh, they get a laugh out of that until I start waving my cane around... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:39 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, May 19, 2006

A new Church is born

And they want to help you clean up your act. At least if we are to believe Church head honcho Nosin Yerbiznez. Crapload News has yet another exclusive that will (most likely) have you mumbling “holy crap” to yourself. This sect, from the outskirts of Salt Lake City, Utah has some rather unusual tenets, to say the least according to top news ace Buick Riviera. Operating under the mantra, “cleanliness is next to Godliness” the church demands neatness and it is the custom to go to the homes of all... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 3:51 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Crapload News exclusive, “The Davinci Code II” in works

Don’t put away those picket signs just yet. According to an exclusive report from crack(pot) reporter, Ben Loony, an even more shocking and if possible, less truthful sequel is on the way. Revealed for the first time is the story of the second son of God no one knew about. Tentatively titled, “Brokeback Davinci Code” this is the story of the gay brother of Jesus Christ, Juan Nita. Yes, the Catholic Church has vehemently denied these rumors, a spokesman replies to the news thus, “Hey, have we... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:45 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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