Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, March 20, 2006

It was a Monday on Steroids

Once, I was in love with a paleontologist, but I had to quit seeing her, she insisted on digging up the past. My next girlfriend had a very unusual profession. She was a urologist specializing in testicular diseases. I know what you’re thinking, a real nut job, and you would be correct. Next, I hooked up with a Witch who was really into computers. She was trying to develop a spell checker, and would have succeeded, but when my dyslexia kicked in while entering a line of code for her, she turned... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Ancient blogger breaks hip imitating fashion model.

I’m here to tell the tale, that is if you want to hear the whole story right down to the tail. You may have seen the TV commercial for J.C. Penny’s sale. (Yes, they’re having a sale this week, imagine that.) Naturally, I thought if a drop-dead gorgeous model can swing her hips and attract the opposite sex, well, then equality should apply. So I decided to give it a try on my wife. I got into my sexiest (oh, hell, my only) blue jean cut-offs with the frayed threads that are fraying. I was going... Sign in to see full entry.

What would you do?

The lady pulled up and asked to, “have the winter air taken out of her tires and the summer air put in.” The three of us working that day looked at each other in surprise. Surely she was joking, but she wasn’t and her name wasn’t Shirley either. We tried to find out if maybe she had summer tires in the trunk but she didn’t. We explained that this was quite unusual, so unusual, no one had ever asked to have it done before, and probably all she needed was to have the tire pressure checked. She was... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I can’t remember yesterday

Things seem a little fuzzy around the edges of my perception. Ok, so I can remember yesterday, it’s just that it was so indistinguishable. You know, it started in the morning, had a middle, and then it ended. Been there, done that. The trouble with memory is, it is fallible. Today I went to the dentist, I had a tooth that was bothering me, and the thing that puzzled me was, I was sure we had done a root canal on it, so I couldn’t figure out why it had any sensation at all. Long story short, it... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

New line of Barbie Dolls

Crapload News reveals Roe V Wade Barbie. This “right for the times toy” comes with her very own dingy complete with matching oars. She also has a pair of bright yellow galoshes. Hours of fun while you decide, row versus wade. This doll is so politically incorrect, there just had to be a sequel. Now it’s Post Roe V Wade Reversal Barbie. Comes complete with a back alley and a supply of rusty coat hangers, why it will be the McCarty era 50s all over again. Blacklist optional. Also due out of the... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, March 13, 2006

I’m calling my landlord.

The roof needs repair. There is painting to be done. Someone needs to take care of the lawn. Who ya gonna call? Well, certainly not ghostbusters, try the landlord. Oh, I forgot, I own my own house, I am the damn landlord. And a lazy one at that. Me: “Hey, landlord, the place needs some work!” Myself: “Is the roof down around your shoulders?” Me: “Well, no.” Myself: “Fuggedaboutit!” See what I have to deal with? I fear this year my lawn mower is going to fail to start. Every year I pray that it... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Have you seen my car keys?

Have trouble remembering to walk the dog? Have trouble remembering you have a dog? This may be the thing for you, unless I am barking up the wrong tree. There are those among us that have trouble remembering things. I constantly get yelled at cause I leave the portable heater on in the office, (where I am blogging to you now) and it runs all night. So I was dismayed to read in the new Discover magazine (April 2006) that there is such a thing as the World Memory Championship. No, you didn’t read... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Star Trek, the unseen adventure.

“Kirk here…….prepareenginesfor…….warpedthoughs…….when…williteverend?” The graceful white Starfleet ship banks into a turn, going boldly where no man has gone before. “Captain, my impeccable logic tells me we are lost, once again, thus, going where no man has gone before.” “Well Spock, that only makes sense, the captain is after all a man, and he simply refuses to ask for directions. And if you’ve seen the commode in his quarters, I would say if he hit the bowl, it would be where, at least, he... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, March 9, 2006

People of Earth, we are not here to harm you!

We just want to have you for dinner! I used to amuse my boys (a long, long time ago) by putting a colander on my head, holding the sieve in front of my face and using that line. It works best if you use the “Martin the Martian” voice from the Bugs Bunny cartoons. What would beings from another planet think of Earth anyway? 1 st Alien: “Well, most of them live in the city and it is fairly organized, but then on what they call the weekends, the people that live in the city go into the country and... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 8, 2006

Wake up Ivan, Russia is moving!

The whole country, picking up and moving, just like that. I know, you doubt me, but hey, I read it in the newspaper. The headline clearly states, “Russia moves closer to U.S. over Iran.” Now, I really don’t know how they are going to get the entire country up in the air to get it over Iran, but I do know what I read. And won’t it get awful dark in Iran with Russia blocking out the sun and all? Hey, if they get their turbans in a knot over a cartoon, what is going to happen when all those Russian... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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