Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, May 14, 2006

A great mystery of life

Women can find anything, but not without a lecture that goes something like this; “Well, how can you expect to find anything unless you LOOK! You have to actually use your eyes you know, carefully study what you are looking at and THINK about what you are seeing. I don’t know why it is always up to me to………..yada, yada, yada”, we’ve heard it a million times already. So how can it be then, that the gender that posses radar tuned to home in on errant socks and missing underwear can have one deep... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

The National Inquisitor.

Glaring from your checkout line with garish pictures of Hiltler, Saddam and Osama dressed in ballet tu-tus, good for a laugh and not much else, behold the tabloids. As I read about mysterious planets orbiting just behind the moon, conjoined twins and weight loss through eating bacon, I wonder where on the tabloid employment application form one has to state which mental institution one has escaped from. So now, employing the same fact finding techniques as the tabloids, lets take a behind the... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Tabloid tales terrify timid typist.

“Bride Bursts Into Flames At Altar!” screams the headline of the Weekly World News. Oh really? How very odd, the picture that accompanies the “article” shows a pile of ashes, a sun bleached skull and, what’s this, an intact veil complete with flowers that somehow escaped the conflagration unscathed. First, this is the humor section of Blogit and I sometimes, well almost always actually, stretch the truth and generally make things up, the more bizarre, the better. But to actually put something... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Keith Richards swings.

Well, who knows what he was doing in a Palm tree, but one thing we all know, when he left the tree, he had a great fall. I don’t know if the King’s horses or Men were involved, but I don’t think anyone can put Keith back together again. Reports have it he was drinking Vodka all day, and then had switched to Rum that evening. Ah, the life of the idol rich. I seriously doubt if Keith knew what he was doing in that tree and he probably thought the bump on the head was hangover related. There’s a... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Spring, evil spring a re-post

. I stand on the front porch eyeing my lawn waking up from its winter nap. What this lawn needs is a good raking. No, not with the hand operated rake, numbskull, this lawn needs to be power raked! Nothing brings excellence to lawn work like the roar of a Briggs and Stratton at full song. At the power tool rental center, the boys all greet me by name. Their smiles seem genuine when I tell them that I need to rent a power rake. One of them, my neighbor’s son, stifles a snicker, he must have heard... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, May 5, 2006

Friday Night Jam

That’s right pygmies, it’s time for a jam session with one brain. This is my brain. This is not my brain on drugs. Some friends invited me to a jam session once, I took some strawberry preserves and two-day old toast, I wasn’t the toast of the town, but I did manage to paint something red. Why, if you are going out on the town, would you want to paint it red? Painting is work, playing is, well, playing. Perhaps your Friday is time to “get a snoot full” but frankly, putting booze up your nose... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

The old e-mail sack

Time to see what exciting e-mails I have tonight kids, there are 156 of them, so it should be exciting! Ooohh, a free Burberry swimsuit, whatever that is. I see single Christians want to meet me, I’ll bet they have a copy of Watchtower with them. I can get cash with bad or no credit, now that must be a growing company. Somebody wants cosmetic critics, well how’s this, “yer stuff is too expensive!” I could have my entire student loan paid off, only, I don’t have a student loan, somebody didn’t do... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

I drive myself crazy.

No, that is not a critique of my driving, unless you ask my wife, and please don’t. Sometimes you see, I get an idea stuck in my head and it wants to be let out. I know I shouldn’t because horrible puns like that can be up to no good. So I have been trying to decide whether to give birth to this groaner or fight off the creative contractions. Too, late, the water of loquacity has already broken. So herewith I present within here, a really bad pun. You have been warned. Put down the Dr. Pepper,... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Clown school

Anymore, you have to have a degree to be a clown. So, of course, one goes to clown school. They save a lot of money on transportation, instead of a big long yellow bus, all the students get out of one ’57 VW beetle with flowers painted on it. The other day I got in trouble for leaving my whoopee cushion home. The class clown gig was already taken, so I decided to become the class grouch. Monica Lewinsky was in our class, she wanted to see if it was true about the size of a man’s shoes in... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

I’m so white, it hurts.

You’ve seen me, or someone like me, red hair, freckles, skin so pale that if I were to go out in the noon-day sun nude, I would resemble a walking assemblage of fluorescent light tubes. We’re the one’s searching the sun-screen shelves for SPF 600, you know, the kind you have to put on with a spatula. When the temperature is hovering near 100 we are the ones with long sleeve shirts, pants and floppy hats with brims that could shade Texas. I managed to get a sunburn in Texas, in October. I have... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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