Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Thursday, April 6, 2006

Things you didn’t know you wanted to know.

The world’s smallest fish is the quarter-inch long male anglerfish who hangs out in the Philippines. Though he is the shortest fish, he is mas macho indeed. Biologist Ted Pietsch from the University of Washington says, “His testes are so big they entirely fill his body cavity.” I don’t know about you, but this sounds nuts to me. So, how does a fish that is mostly testicles live his life? The article from the May 2006 Discover Magazine on page 14 states, “The male anglerfish spends his adult life... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, April 3, 2006

Nothing comes to mind.

Is it possible to force humor? I need to post something here, but the title says it all. I almost ran over a rabbit on my way home, but that was only a little hairy. So, you know what this means, the old stream of semi-consciousness technique. Hang on tight, fasten your sanity belts, it could be a rough ride. Someone spoke and I went into a dream, if that doesn’t beat all. I got them old blueberry jelly on a blueberry bagel blues, lets jam. Why is it called a jam session, when there are no... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, April 1, 2006

Spring ahead so you can fall back.

Daylight slaving time. Yes, it’s here once again, unless you live in Arizona or a handful of places that don’t dink around with the time. That extra hour of daylight in the evening does make it easier to mow the lawn and such, but the extra hour of sleep that one misses the day the time turns never seems to be made up. All summer, I blame the afternoon yawns on daylight savings time. Why is it called daylight savings anyway, we are not actually saving any daylight, we are just using it up at a... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, March 31, 2006

What I did on my summer vacation.

Yeah, I know, it’s either too early or too late. Well, for me it’s both. You see, being heavily into procrastinating, I am still working on last summer and I wanted to see if what I might have wanted to do stacked up with what I actually did. Then I realized, since I had no plan, I didn’t do anything! It worked perfectly. However, I am thinking I might not want to not do that again this year unless I can possibly not help it without doing anything about it, of course. It fits the... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Birthing Brittney

On hands and knees, butt in air, the statue of Brittney Spears birthing that is, I don’t know, is it causing a ruckus? I saw it on TV, as much as they would show, which certainly wasn’t the end with the baby’s head crowning. As much a magical experience as the birth of a child is, I’m not sure I would want it in marble. Imagine having that on your coffee table, what a conversation starter. Jehovah’s Witness: “May we come in and talk to you for a moment?” Me: “Why certainly, just put your... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

On being politically correct.

I really want to be politically correct, but I am so confused. Ok, now I will tell you something you don’t know, maybe. If I want to be PC, does that mean I can’t use a MAC? Do the politically correct have a comedian who does a bit called, “You might be politically correct if….” If not, why not? If I want to be politically correct, do I have to live in a red state or a blue state? Why are there no white states? Oh yeah, politically incorrect. But there are also no red, white and blue states and... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Catholic church goes mobile

Crapload News interviews Cardinal Kant Resist to find out what’s up in Holy Land. CLN: Cardinal, the church is in deep doo concerning all the molestation charges, and settlements are bringing the church financially to it’s knees, much the same way it’s victims were, any comments? Cardinal: While the church still officially refuses to admit any wrongdoing, we see fit to grant the monetary requests of the “offended” to, well, keep their yaps shut. Yes, this will cost a rather large small fortune.... Sign in to see full entry.

Don’t ever let then see you sweat

Underarm perspiration is the pits. Huge wet circles on your clothes got you bugged booby? There is a solution you know, and it doesn’t involve smearing plaster of Paris from your ribs to your elbows and walking around like some modern day mummy. Yes, it’s true, I heard it on a radio commercial, and they wouldn’t lie, would they? The ad says something like, “excessive and persistent underarm perspiration is no laughing matter.” I suppose the humor involved depends on your point of view and... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Baa Baa undiscernible color sheep.

I heard on a radio report that some politically correct wobble heads want to change the wording of the popular (well, at least somewhat well known) nursery rhyme to eliminate the “black sheep” part and replace it with “rainbow sheep.” Correct me if I am wrong, but the sheep in the rhyme does have wool, and the color of the wool does not seem to be an issue. Black sheep are a part of nature, whereas rainbow sheep were seen a lot in the 60s, but none were ever caught. Now I go along with not using... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

A good idea shot to hell.

An environmentally friendly trap shooting range is what I envisioned. Go to any trap shooting range, and you will see the pieces of the clay pigeons on the ground. Since they are clay, they are not bio-degradable, so on a regular basis, someone has to go out and clean up the old pigeon shards. I came up with the idea of making the targets, (the pigeons) out of pressed cow manure, a cheap supply of material is always handy, and since the shards would be bio-degradable and a great fertilizer, the... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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