Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Spring, evil spring.

I stand on the front porch eyeing my lawn waking up from its winter nap. What this lawn needs is a good raking. No, not with the hand operated rake, numbskull, this lawn needs to be power raked! Nothing brings excellence to lawn work like the roar of a Briggs and Stratton at full song. At the power tool rental center, the boys all greet me by name. Their smiles seem genuine when I tell them that I need to rent a power rake. One of them, my neighbor’s son stifles a snicker, he must have heard a... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, April 9, 2004

Mother Goosed.

If Peter Piper pickled his Pecker would that make Ms. Piper a Sourpuss? These things are vastly under understood. What about the man going to St. Ives? Cats, sacks, wives, are you sure he wasn’t going to Salt Lake Utah? Jack had to be nimble to keep from burning his dick on the candle stick, never mind what happens when he comes up short, what a way to snuff a candle! Popular in San Francisco but generally shunned in the rest of the world. “Hi Peter!” “Hi F4T, have you met my wife Pumpkin? Why... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, April 7, 2004

Strange thoughts.

Were Herman’s Hermits really Hermits? If not, why were they called hermits and how could that legally be possible to claim hermitage when actually they were rock stars of some note? Did Herman really own his hermits? More legal pondering to set your mind wandering. Do you remember when Rick James and Prince (whatever) were weird and Michael Jackson was normal? The mind gropes to comprehend how things transcend. Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler is 56, that is as old as I am! I would give one of... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, April 4, 2004

Kay-Ren, here it is.

What is the typical Blogit writer? What is the atypical Blogit writer? Since Kay-Ren asked and provided a peek at her setting in her blog Irrelevant Observations in the opinion category, here is my milieu. Our PC is located in the room we have for an office, which was originally the fourth bedroom. Since it has no windows, we didn’t want to use it for a bedroom, no escape route. The walls are a very light pastel Lilac. Cat knick-knacks are everywhere. A bookcase my dad made is to my left. The... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, April 2, 2004

Challenged Superheroes.

Recognizing that not all super heroes necessarily need to be “Super” this well thought out (well, at least thought out?) piece proposes to right the wrongs wrested on the rest of us by those perfect few, the Super Friends. Here at last are more Superheroes from everyday life. Perhaps the most heart wrenching hero is Short Attention Span Man. He can be identified by the logo on his cape the boldly proclaims Short Atten…….What? This would be righter of wrongs has the best of intentions and the... Sign in to see full entry.

Politically correct Superheroes.

Tired of all the leaping of tall buildings with a single bound? Seen the faster than a speeding bullet routine one too many times? Do you yawn when a man in a cape and tights stops a powerful locomotive dead in its tracks? How are we to have any shred of self esteem when we live in a world full of superheroes that project an image we can never hope to attain? Never fear, the government has seen fit to right the wrongs with a new collection of heroes for “every-person”. So don’t be surprised,... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

‘Till we meet again.

The soft succulent soil awaits its spring tilling. Australiopithecus used dibble sticks to prepare the ground for seeds. The Plistocene is long past and modern man has roto-tillers. Now is the time of year to prepare your garden spot for weeds. I know that is not the intention, be we are skipping to the net effect here. Somewhere in the corner of the garage is my roto-tiller. Somewhere in another corner is the engine for the tiller. Buried in a neat pile of belts is the one for this fine dirt... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, March 29, 2004

New technology.

Voice recognition software, what a boon to bloggers. We could post as fast as we could talk, which is usually much faster than we can think. Hmmm…. thought recognition software, the height of laziness. Just put these headphones on, attach this sensor to your forehead and, voila, all you have to do is think and it appears on your screen. But what would that really be like? Join me now as I perform a short experiment to see what thought recognition would be like……. Damn, I like to use the periods... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Funny business in the White House.

President Martin Lawrence. Picture it now if you will, President Lawrence addresses the U. N. and opens the speech, “What the problem is?” If that seems far-fetched, let me introduce you to vice president Robin Williams. You think congress is confused now, just wait until they get a load of secretary of Homeland Security, Richard Lewis. Paranoia will be raised to an art form but the steady hand of Dennis Miller will guide the department of defense and obscure references. Foreign relations? No... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

You’re driving me batty!

Imagine you are Ozzie Osburn. Here are just a few things you might hear in the course of your day. “Hey, just because you’re in a bad mood, that’s no reason to bite my head off!” “What?” “Viagra? I thought you were ‘Iron Man’.” “What did you say?” “So, how are Harriet and the boys?” “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.” “Are you on dope or something?” “Please, once more, slowly and focus on enunciation.” “Well – that’s fairly rude!” Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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