Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, April 26, 2004

Sitting in my room.

Writing things that make sense only to me? I try not to, but sometimes it happens. The joke seems so obvious to me, but others just give me that blank stare and ask, “now what the hell have you been smoking?” Part of the blame could be placed on my approach to writing these “blogs”. Spell check still doesn’t recognize blogs. You see, I just got sidetracked. Sometimes I use that as a mechanism to just wander around in my mind. Other times it is the by-product of not writing with an outline.... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, April 23, 2004

I think, therefore…

I must be able to think. If I am able to think, then surely I must exist. Today’s philosophy lesson. Philosophy, now there’s a career opportunity that doesn’t knock on just anyone’s door. Go down to your local employment center and tell them you are looking for a career in philosophy. Yeah, what a gig, just sit around thinking about whether we really exit or not. Of course one can’t come to the conclusion we don’t exist because then who would write your paycheck? What more proof of existence... Sign in to see full entry.

April showers.

Spring is in the air, the nip of winter still present in the morning makes me wonder how the lawn could possibly need to be watered already. I glance across the street only to observe my neighbor (the Boy Scout troop master) looking at his lawn, a perfectly manicured carpet of deep velvety green. He is also watering his lawn even though he is standing in his living room looking out his bay window with the flower box in front. Yes, he is one of those despicable people who cares enough about how... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Sleep deprivation theater.

Someone has to know!? If you catch a salmon and upon preparing it for a meal you find a name tag that certifies that this salmon was named Ella, is it safe to eat? If two wrongs don’t make right, what does it take to not make a left? If you are making money hand over fist but still up to your eyeballs in debt, try raising your arms. Why did the chicken cross the road? (Ok I pre-apologize, it’s late and this is bad but I’m lovin’ it) Because the road really pissed the chicken off. Why did the... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Inane? Insane? In Pain?

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Sunday, April 18, 2004

Baby Boomer Investments.

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Saturday, April 17, 2004

A re-post for all you car fans especially littlemspickles.

Has this ever happened to you? You are in your car, and suddenly it takes over! Last night I got a call from a local gas station. The lady on the phone said my wife was in her car, it wouldn’t shut off, she couldn’t get it in park or neutral, the steering wheel was locked and the doors were locked. Needless to say, this sounded a tad strange. I had been frying some chicken since I get home before she does, so I had to set that aside, grab some tools and head into town in my trusty ’76 GMC. Sure... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, April 16, 2004

Crapload TV presents…

A new reality show based on the life of a beer swilling middle aged man. His favorite sport is watching sports on TV surrounded by mounds of chips, tubs of dip and coolers full of beer. He is on welfare and claiming disability. The arthritis in his beer opening finger forces him to use a table knife to pop up the little tab. His lawn is dirt and the house is a maze of trails through empties, bags and clothes both clean and dirty. This riveting video fare is sure to draw from the same demographic... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Holy sod!

In the quest for a lawn that will make the neighbors green with envy, I sought professional help. But my shrink doesn’t seem to know much about lawn care, so I consulted the crew down at the Rentzitall store. After careful assessment of my efforts so far, it was determined that I needed to aerate my lawn. Why? At first I suspected it was because that was the only power lawn tool they had that I hadn't rented so far, but I was (I think) wrong. Well apparently a lawn can get sod bound which is not... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

This sucks.

I’d no sooner returned from returning the power rake to be confronted with a lawn full of dead fluffy grass. Ten minutes of hand raking in the relentless morning sun convinced me that there must be a better way to get this stubborn grass into the back of my pickup. Grumbling as I went inside for a drink of water I failed to notice the Kirby sprawled in the living room where I had been cleaning the grass I had tracked in on the carpet. As I picked myself up off the floor and untangled the hose... Sign in to see full entry.

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