Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, February 29, 2004

World’s worst identity crisis.

I think I was Shirley McClain in another life! Isn’t it ironic that porn sites have a place called Member Log In? Or so I’ve heard. Ted Nugent, it’s Cat Scratch Fever not Chainsaw Shred Sweats. Motorcyclists tell each other, “Keep the rubber side down” but that is not good advice to a male porn star. Did you know that if you blog past midnight, you get silly? I just read where scientists can’t agree what time really is. They must be on salary. Sign in to see full entry.

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Friday, February 27, 2004

Bet you didn’t know.

There is a standard for porn writers to consult when they need to use the proper punctuation in writing adult sex-themed works. It is called, of course, the Comma Sutra. Heh Heh, I before E and Ooooh before Ahhhh, you’re all excused now. Howard Stern claimed that he was misunderstood. With all the space probes going to Mars and one scheduled for Venus, he only thought that somehow a probe should be headed for Uranus. ~Snark~ Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:11 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Name’s your poison.

The power of a name. Would Billy the Kid have been as feared had he gone by the moniker of William the Child, or perhaps William the Infant Goat? Probably not. How about George Shrub, leader of the free world? Stranger than even I could concoct is his Guard commander, Bristlecone! I’ll just pass on that one, seeing my last name is Palm, us trees gotta stand united. Or as they say, Dyslexics, untie! Sitting Bull, but for a quirk of gender oriented fate could have been Squatting Heifer. Then there... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:58 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, February 23, 2004

The Wi…er..Nextel Cup.

The Viagra car goes hard into the wall. Ok, so sponsors come and go, but the new crop threatens to stretch the announcers ability to call a race and keep from sounding like…well…like this… Today, Mr. Whipple will say those famous words, “Gentlemen…Start your engines.” Mr Whipple has been given this honor to welcome the Charmin Car to today’s lineup, here at the Tidybowl 500. “Hi, I’m Kon Ecrisimaki, famous race announcer and I have some important news. The Nextel Cup series will be sponsored... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:12 AM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Soap Operas

How many times are Josh and Reva going to play the yo-yo game? My wife tapes ATWT and GL to watch in the evenings as she unwinds from a day of accountant type number crunching. I attempt to amuse her by adding my own lines. When Reva asked, “Josh, I’m worried about Mara, do you know what is going on?”, my answer for Josh was, “hell Reva, you’r the psychic, you tell me!” And so it goes. I know I am doing a good job when she has to rewind the tape to hear the real lines, lame as they are. Talk... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:50 AM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, February 21, 2004

Where is the sanity?

Turn almost anything into oil? The May 2003 Discover magazine has an article on a thermal depolymerization process “Anything into oil”. The process is being used to turn turkey offal (guts) into oil suitable for use as fuel. The technology is proven, so why haven’t we heard more about it? We have heard about hydrogen, but the problems are many and the time line is long. Thermal depolymerization is here now, so why are is our government ignorant of this promising technology? I urge you to go to... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 5:05 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, February 20, 2004

Them old drive thru bluez.

There I was, Cheeseburger jones bigger than life one spot away from the magic speaker with the digital readout guaranteed to get my order right. Apparently the little league team in the Suburban ahead was having some trouble getting their order right, judging by the time it was taking. That always happens when one is in a hurry. All I have to do is deposit my check, the slip is filled in, check signed, I am ready to rock and roll, but the person ahead of me seems to be doing all their banking in... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:04 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Pruning, Shear delight.

The trees stand proud, silhouettes against the drab sky. The limbs lay on the ground a tangled mess. Unfortunately there is no power tool made to haul the limbs to wherever you take them for disposal. Oh sure, these is the ever popular power chipper, but my credit line at the power tool store is, shall we say, somewhat stretched. Well, rather than carry the limbs to the back of my GMC pickup, I will back the pickup onto the lawn, making collecting the branches much quicker. My pickup is the... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 1:03 AM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, February 14, 2004

The power of tools.

Beer, breakfast of champions. That’s what my brother’s Tee shirt says, and the four I just had sure tasted good. I was now ready to tackle the wayward branches in my yard, but first I donned the proper attire, leather apron, long sleeved shirt, steel toe boots, respirator mask, hard hat with visor and ear muffs. As I pulled on my long gauntlet leather gloves my feeling of manliness was almost intoxicating. Soon I stood at the base of the offending tree and prepared to pull the starter rope, when... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:07 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Threatening life and limb.

I pulled up in front of the power tool store, they seemed glad to see me, and even called me by name. I explained the dilemma of pruning tall trees, and they said they had just what I needed. Somehow I knew they would. After all, they sold me my chain saw, leaf blower, snow blower, hedge trimmer, post hole digger, wood splitter and automatic tire chain installer. Soon, I was waving goodbye as I eased into traffic with my newest toy securely strapped down in the back of my pickup. I could tell by... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:15 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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