Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Friday, June 11, 2004

Nail it!

Carpentry projects torment me from every corner of the house. You’ve seen the commercial, the guys says, “I am not a carpenter.” That’s me, in spades. I have build any number of engines, done literally thousands of valve grinds, replaced almost every part on our old ’89 Chev Corsica and maintained our various lawn care equipment. But give me a hammer and a nail, suddenly my knees go weak, I get pale (or in my case, paler), sweat forms on my brow and I start forming a list of expletives that... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:56 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, June 9, 2004

Does your mind wander?

A writer’s mind is always working on things it would like the writer to write about. Much to the writers distraction, I might add. Your spouse has just finished a long winded statement about something, then looks at you and asks, “so what do you think?” I think I wasn’t listening. I was working out the punch line to a stupid joke for my blog, but I don’t dare say that! No siree, not if I value the family jewels. Finally it is dark, chores are done and it is time to sit down at the old computer... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:28 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, June 7, 2004

It’s only a car.

The ’89 Chevrolet Corsica took up residence in our garage sometime in the mid-90’s. Corsica’s are not particularly noteworthy as far as prestige goes. They offered basic transportation with un-offensive styling. Actually, ours looked pretty good with it’s metallic dark grey paint and sporty black bra. The aftermarket wheel covers looked like custom wheels and I put chrome tips on the dual outlet Cherry Bomb Turbo muffler I had to put on it right away. The 2.8 v-6 packed a potent bark and it... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:14 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, June 6, 2004

Don’t call me crazy?

What does on do when the general consensus is that the same aforementioned one is “crazy?” Carefully write down the thoughts that make you crazy, join a blog site such as, oh, I don’t know, possibly, Blogit and post your escapist fantasies on the web. Ok, but what if one is, to quote Ken Kesey, “full goose bozo.”? Gather your friends around you. Let your craziness run to it’s full length and breadth, then become a politician! Problem solved. Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:45 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, June 3, 2004

Thrills for geeks!

See unimaginable multi-tasking in ROBOTS GONE WILD! Macs getting it on with PC’s! Wet Hard Drive contests. These cyber freaks do it all when someone sneaks in and turns the voltage up to 127 VAC! Monitors bare all in a reckless display of pure lust. These machines are off line and there are no parameters! And we caught it all on video! Available now in all the popular formats, even Beta. Act now and we will enclose an exclusive behind the scenes look at Intel’s R&D lab. Tech’s and machines... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:05 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, June 2, 2004

Insurance insurance anyone?

Hey, how about an insurance that insures you for when your insurance doesn’t insure you? Maybe the brand name O-Flack would be catchy. Instead of a duck, the spokes-animal-mascot would be a goose. That would be fitting since so often that is how insurance companies pay, one nice goose egg. Yogi Berra: “Hey, I got that insurance that covers me ‘cause I only think I got insurance, but when it comes time to use the insurance, I don’t got no insurance ‘cause I got the wrong kind of insurance, but... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:42 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

What happens in Vegas…

You’ve seen the ads. The lure to visit sin city, do some sinning and then go home safe in the knowledge that whatever you did there will stay there. Unless she/he had a communicable disease, that is. In that case, there might be grounds for a lawsuit. I was going to sue an instant coffee company for a bad tasting product, but my lawyer said we had no grounds. I slapped him silly and stole his joke. Las Vegas, where everything it seems is legal and if it isn’t, who cares? Picture this: Knock!... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:10 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, May 24, 2004

Thumbs down.

In anthropology, the opposable thumb is often cited as one thing that separates the humans from the “lower” species. That thumb allowed our ancient ancestors to pick up a stick, dig the earth to grow better plants to sustain a bigger brood and create the situation to use that same stick to smite low-life cave gangs that only wanted to hang out by the river and experiment with fire to see what they could smoke that wouldn’t kill them. Of course then, as now, drugs led to crime and crime led to... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:29 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, May 22, 2004

It’s a Wal*Mart World after all.

“You can’t have a better neighbor than Wal*Mart” Paul Harvey tells us in that down home way that says he believes deeply that which he reads. Oh really? Hooters might give them a run for the money in that department, and I would gladly rent them my backyard for employee parking. Or how about a Red Lobster? Oh yeah, all the shrimp I can stuff under my elastic belt and all I have to do is cross the street. Too many trips to Red Lobster and it will be me riding the electric carts for the... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 3:53 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Why put off....

Procrastination, it has been said, is the thief of time. So blame this procrastination guy for taking the time I needed to post more often. So if someone steals your time, how do you get it back? Odd, isn’t it, time lost can never be found. Today is the first day of the rest of…yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. It’s all true, and I hate all of it. Procrastinating can be such fun. Here’s one for you experts, the one thing I never put off is procrastination, so you can’t say I let... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:40 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

May 2024
SMTWTFS
2829301234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
2627282930311
2345678
Apr | Newest | Jun
About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

Recent Entries
People

Headlines (What is this?)