Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Friday, March 19, 2004

The National Inquisitor.

Glaring from your checkout line with garish pictures of Hiltler, Saddam and Osama dressed in ballet tu-tus, good for a laugh and not much else, behold the tabloids. As I read about mysterious planets orbiting just behind the moon, conjoined twins and weight loss through eating bacon, I wonder where on the tabloid employment application form one has to state which mental institution one has escaped from. So now, employing the same fact finding techniques as the tabloids, lets take a behind the... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

A brand new word.

When a public figure gets canned from a job where they just sit around making inane comments and getting paid probably really good dough, here’s your new word, He got Stern-O’d. Someone who probably should know better, got so involved in being naughty that they forgot the rest of us out there. So let’s use this really cool new word that denotes when some dumb-ass get fired and they rightly deserve it. It’s cool, a hyphenated apostrophe word. He came out on stage and dropped a load, he got... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, March 15, 2004

That Question?

You know the one, it’s always asked by some reporter that can’t think of anything else to ask. “Mr. Crime Victim, you’ve just come home and discovered your entire family slain brutally. Tell me, how does that make you feel?” Tell me, what do they think the answer will be that we can’t guess already? “WhooHoo, now I can cash in them insurance policies!” or perhaps “Am I on camera? Can I say hi to my Mom? Oh, I forgot, well then hi to my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Smartypants.” If it were me, I... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Modern sensibilities in the old days.

Dr. Squint, Medicine Woman. She was the first woman eye-doctor out west and her adventures put a politically correct spin on that era. Dr. Squint asks her new patient, “So, Mr. Wayne, is it true that you are a cow-person?” “Well, missy, I don’t rightly know what yore tryin’ to say here, but if you were a man, I’d be treatin’ you to a little knuckle sandwich.” “Oh, my Mr. Wayne, violence never settled anything, it only begets violence!” “You know sister, yore really hittin’ a raw nerve now. Jist... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Situation – Comedic.

Of all the situation comedies on all the networks in all the world, I had to try write this one. The ‘50s, Beaver Cleaver has finally gone too far and an apology won’t fix everything this time. The Beav finally winds up in the big house. His first day is grueling. He finally is led to his cell where he assumes the fetal position in the corner, muttering “golly” over and over. Near the front gate the head jailer turns to his boss and says through gritted teeth, “Say warden, don’t you think you... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, March 9, 2004

Those were the days.

The golden age of air travel existed in the early ‘50s, a time when stewardesses wore caps and proper dresses. Food was actually prepared on the plane and served with much attention. TWA had just rolled out their new flagship, the Super Constellation, king of the propeller driven air carriers with it’s distinctive triple tail design. These things we know are true, but somewhere in the boardrooms of the giant airline, this scene could have taken place, heck for all we know, it probably did take... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, March 6, 2004

Bridging the attention span gap.

But I digress. There you have it, no B.S. Right up front you know that this will be one of those blogs that leaves you scratching someone else’s head. I will allow the train of thought to thoroughly de-rail and carom around like a ping pong ball. Speaking of which, have you noticed the sit-com 2 ½ Men has a line that has something to do with balls every week? Charlie has sort of a sheen about him in that show. Now we learn the Bush administration didn’t have a clear connection established... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 3, 2004

What are they trying to sell us?

Those cute insurance ads, you’ve seen the Gecko in the faux MG or whatever. The duck that strives valiantly to blurt out the name of the company but always seems to get upstaged. These ads are cute, humorous even, but have you considered, they may have a darker side? Subliminal messages and images that only the discerning mind can ferret out. Case in point: The Geico Lizard promotes unions. How can that be, you ask? Ok, follow me here, he is a lizard, working for scale! The Aflac Duck: This one... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, March 2, 2004

The highways’ siren song.

The lure of the open road has been the inspiration for many songs. Long stretches of blacktop and white lines beckon one to far-off adventures. But if you look at a highway sideways, it ain’t all that great. Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, March 1, 2004

Ellen Degeneress.

I confess, I find Ellen attractive even though I know she plays for the other team. She is witty, goofy and pixie cute. At least to me. You never quite know where her mind is going to go. I suppose since I suffer the same ping-pong ball thought patterns that is the attraction. We probably could never have a conversation, too much digressing. So there it is, I like Ellen Degeneress and it could never be. Some things just aren’t fair. Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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