Thursday, November 19, 2009
A strange job interview.
She handed me a paper with some data on it and said, “make a chart of parrot sales for the last year.” So I went to work with Excel and soon had a beautiful full color bar graph and pie chart showing parrot sales by volume and species. Yes, I had passed the Polly Graph test!
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Wednesday, November 18, 2009
It’s not Thanksgiving everywhere
While we Americans are obsessing over meal plans and where everyone is going to sleep, the rest of the world is getting ready for just another Thursday. I was reminded of this as I talked with a client in New Zealand today (oops, make that tomorrow). He said they don’t do thanksgiving there and only recently started to do Halloween, a tradition that defies logic. I mean, we teach our kids not to talk to strangers and especially not to take candy from strangers, yet there is a night dedicated to...
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Wednesday, November 11, 2009
What’s with all the vampire crap?
Vampires seem to be all the rage these days but if you ask me they just bite! No! Really, they do and suck as well, all your blood that is. Besides, it’s a known fact that 3 out of 4 dentists say vampires don’t floss either, something about dulling their fangs. And while many a woman (and a few men in San Francisco) may fantasize about having a date with a vampire, just ask them out for a steak and see what happens. Then there is the issue of the smell of the undead, I mean I don’t think there...
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Sunday, November 8, 2009
New movies we probably don’t need
How about a new version of Yogi Bear? No, really I heard it on the news, only I don’t remember who was slated to play Yogi and Boo-Boo. This of course gives me poetic license to imagine what the movie might be like if say, Sean Penn was Yogi, Johnny Depp as Boo-Boo, Jack Nicholson as the Ranger and the whole thing directed by Quentin Tarantino. Sort of a Pulp Picnic Basket thing I would imagine. Or maybe John Goodman as Yogi, Woody Harrelson as Boo-Boo, Bruce Willis the Ranger and direction by...
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Saturday, October 17, 2009
Heavy pun warnings
Once upon a time, as these things seem to go, a princess was being wooed by twin princes. Yes, they were in the Moscow ballet, but the joke here is not about prancing princes pinching princesses with golden tresses. That is a dangling modifier. But I digress and, not unintentionally. Well anyway, in that same kingdom lived an ugly witch, which is how these things seem to go, but more on that witch later, which will be now, don’t you know. It does seem a bit as if I don’t know which witch is...
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Friday, October 9, 2009
Dagnabbit!
There are puns in my lunchbox, I thought of them the other day and wrote them down on a yellow post-it-note because I knew I wouldn’t remember them by the end of the day. Sure enough, I was right and I’m not going to get them now because I want to do something else. It’s called the free-fall system where I just start out and what pops into my mind, I go with it. Sort of like the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about, and how do they know its there in the first place? Why the tracks in...
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Tuesday, October 6, 2009
When excitement turns to revulsion.
Good news, I have been hired by NASA to help build the next generation of planetary exploration vehicles. These have the goal of finding and exploring alien life forms on far away planets. How cutting edge can one get? I mean, to be at the forefront of the technology that will answer once and for all that age-old burning question, “are we alone?” Imagine my chagrin then, when I found out I was in charge of designing the anal probe! HAR! GOTCHA! Discalimer: No Uranii were harmed in the making of...
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Sunday, October 4, 2009
Unconnected – A horror story.
The room was black as black velvet stretched across my eyes. Not a sound could be heard. I was cut off from all communications, the outside world as I had known it was gone, hell, I wasn’t sure it would ever exist again. Had it really existed in the past, or were my memories all cruel dreams? My fingers ached for that familiar touch, but nothing was there. I knew the machinery in the room was still there but I had no way to control it. “Don’t panic” I told myself, “you’ve done this before,...
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Monday, August 31, 2009
What we need are more heroes.
But not just any hero, let’s upgrade to modern times and modern problems. The new age of medicine has ushered in a new weapon against pain, glaucoma and well, just about anything you can talk a “new age” doctor into prescribing Cannabis Sativa for. Medical marijuana has reached super hero status in some quarters so its time for a new age super hero, Grass Man and his sidekick, Roach Clip Kid. These are not just token heroes, they are true “tokin’” heroes. Their secret lair is stocked with every...
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Sunday, August 23, 2009
There’s a skunk in the garage!
I don’t mean to raise a stink, but we just discovered a skunk in our garage. I would rather have a cougar or a porcupine in my garage than a skunk. Oddly enough, it wasn’t the smell that gave him (or her) away, rather it was his (or her) presence at the cat food bowl that caused the general alarm. The contractor doing our renovation was on his way to call it a day when he suddenly, slowly retreated back into the house and announced, somewhat nonchalantly I thought, “there’s a skunk in your...
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