Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Horoscopes

Do you suppose that some folks have unusual Zodiac signs? For instance, James Bond might be a Spycies! Spycies – Today is a good day, you will probably kill a Libra before breakfast and a Gin and Tonic after lunch. Ejection seats could be troublesome today. Beware of people who offer you a beer, shaken, not stirred! Sign in to see full entry.

Don’t you just hate it when…

I finally decided on a new car. The 4-wheel drive Audi Quattro seemed like a wise choice, given our wide range of driving conditions in the Pacific North West. We can have rain, snow, ice and that’s just in the summer! Ha Ha, no just kidding. The 4-wheel drive option is really handy, as is the sense-a-tronic transmission. It has no external controls, a sensor mounted in the headliner of the car reads your minds commands. Simply think “drive” and off you go. When you get there, think “park” and... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

How’s your habiliment?

Manuals written in foreign countries are either maddening or humorous, depending on your view of things at any given moment. A CNC milling machine is a very hazardous piece of machinery to operate, so of course safety warnings are critical. Take a look at this warning label for example: I did read the owners manual, intensively, as intensively as if it were War and Peace. Instruction number three is particularly disconcerting, “Do not operate the machine with protective covers. Inter locks and... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Whole Lotto fever

The question of the day, what would you do if you won the Lotto? First, I’d thank my luck stars that I didn’t get hit by 5 bolts of lighting, which is much more likely by the way. Then I would buy a grounded suit to make sure Karma isn’t lurking around the corner waiting to dish out a lighting bolt with my name on it. $640 million is a chunk of change. The challenge would be to do something good with it because with that much money, one could help a lot of folks keep homes, pay medical debts,... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

The rain in Spain…

Forget the rain in Spain! The rain I’m worried about is the rain that has, apparently, worn all the hair off the top of my head. That’s my story, I’m sticking to it. We in this far flung corner of the country watch a seemingly endless parade of weather systems march through and leave their drizzly calling cards. Meanwhile on the news, Colorado is on fire. How can that possibly be? Oh, right we are getting the rain, they aren’t. I should be out doing all those yardly things a homeowner does but... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Headlines that pretty much tell the whole story

Gleaned from news sources everywhere, these headlines scream for a response. High fuel prices may keep travelers close to home. Gee, ya think? Anti-gay marriage group has racial wedge strategy. I don’t even know what the hell this means. If they find two gays getting ready to get married, does a large black (or possibly white) guy come in and give them a wedgie? Please explain. Gingrich axes a third of campaign staff, cuts travel. Finally, someone is going to show us how to save money! I hope he... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, March 26, 2012

I got a job!

It is at the wife-swapping club, but they only hire for the swing shift! Hee Hee. Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

America how will be in day in to come.

That some consumer products are not made in America is by now, all too common. Couldn’t the furriners at least have the foresight to hire a real American to write warning labels and instructions manuals? At worst me might misinterpret instructions and end up trying to use our new dishwasher on the wing of a 747 flying through a thunderstorm, despite the manual specifically, in a round about way, warning of the hazards of such an operation. Least of all, we may pee our pants laughing at the... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I lost my ass

That is why I am typing this standing up. We often use this colloquialism but what it if were an actual physical possibility? The second most popular attraction in Las Vegas would be the pants stores where people who had lost their ass could be re-fitted with appropriately fitting attire. Vehicles would have to be designed so that sufferers of “Lost Ass Syndrome” could drive standing up. Bucket seats would lose their popularity as a “must have” accessory. Would there a lost and found where we... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Mime Time

Did you hear about the mime that was late for work? His invisible alarm clock didn’t go off. Two mimes walk into a bar. The barman asks, “what can I get for you?” Unfortunately at very instant they found themselves locked in a soundproof glass box. Did you hear about the mime that ran for political office? No one did. If a mime were elected president, he would give the shortest state of the union speech ever. He would pretend he was flushing an invisible toilet. Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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