Warped thoughts

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Twilight, the “Thrillogy?”

My wife settled in to watch Twilight and asked if I wanted to join her. “No” I said respectfully, “I’ll skip it.” “Are you sure?” she asked. “Oh, positive!” I replied ever so cleverly, or so I thought. You know those remote controls are painfully accurate, just like my synopsis of one of those Blood Operas. These are biting stories of Vampires (not the kindly ones that work for the IRS) and their search for true love. They are the kind of guys that when they take your daughter out, you hope all... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

A do-it-yourselfer’s guide to doing things yourself

Yes, even you can open up that clogged toilet! All it takes is a little gumption, a few tools and a hazmat suit. The first step is to determine if the offending toilet is really clogged or just being sluggish. To do this, flush it as many times as you can as fast as you can. If the bottoms of your pant legs become moist, rest assured, the toilet is clogged. After you mop the mess up, you are ready to save some big bucks by your very own self! Ok, so you’re wondering, “but what about my socks?”... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

The perfect toy

Back in the day, way back in the day, an early philosopher invented the perfect toy. His mother was making bread and left the dough to rise. This curious philosopher-to-be took the dough, pressed it to the morning newspaper and was amazed at the images that transferred to his new toy. Of course, he had to invent a mirror so he could read them right side around. That toy became, as you have probably guessed by now, Playdoh. And the philosopher, as you surely have guessed by now, Plato, which is... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Thought things

If a Czar has a skin blemish, is it called a Czit? And does he have a pet cartoon Czat named Czarfield? So, is a public official “pro-tem” a professional temporary? Maybe it’s short for prototype term. Either way, we know what a “former mayor” is and that’s a failed mayor looking to take the next step up in politics. I went to a doctor practicing medicine, only I wasn’t practicing being sick, I was getting damn good at it. Our heath care system will take a giant leap forward one day when all... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

In search of…something

Forgetfulness is a terrible thing. I should know, but I forgot. How do you know if you forgot something unless you have a vague idea of what it is you forgot? When you get into the car and don’t have the keys, its not like you are completely puzzled as to why the dang thing wont move. You are aware you forgot the keys. After all they are not lost, you just don’t know where they are, again. Or if you go to get the mail but aren’t wearing any pants, the gentle breeze wafting through your nether... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

A top ten list

Top ten reasons I never get anything done. Sitting around making top ten lists. One word, “lazy.” You have to be careful when you scratch those lottery tickets. Hey, I would do something if I could ever get enough sleep. A Polar Bear ate my to-do list, now it’s a doo-doo list. Procrastinator’s club rules forbid getting things done. Spent the day wondering why they call it floss and not tooth string. Contemplated why it’s called “doing nothing” when the minute you do nothing, it becomes... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mothers Daze

Why can’t you make spaghetti in the washing machine? If the iron takes the wrinkles out of my clothes, won’t it do the same for the Shar-Pei’s face? Moms are good at putting out the fires of childhood, they have to be. Our neighbors had a parakeet, but we couldn’t afford one, so I just let of couple of Robins in the house. They were more than just name droppers. Why can’t I shave the cat? Dad says you shave yours! Why can’t I work on my motorcycle in the bedroom? It’s cold outside. Dad said it... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Odd language, this English

I was reading a British report about Lewis Hamilton’s tyres. Problems may cost him the Formula One title. Wait, shouldn’t that be tytle? What’s with those Brits? I don’t recall reading about the tytle contention going down to the wyre, and if that guy messed up another wheel change, he would be fyred. The one consistency about the English language is it inconsistency. Restaurant, for instance is pronounced with the end of the word sounding like it should be spelled “raunt.” After all if aunt is... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Sale Away

It turns out the guy wasn’t selling his garage after all, even though that’s what the sign said. Too bad, it was a nice garage, although I would have let him keep all that junk he had in it. I drove off, muttering about truth in advertising when another sign caught my eye. This fellow wasn’t really interested in selling his yard, by the foot or otherwise. I could have used some sod to fill in a few bare patches, be he was adamant and ignored my lament. By this time, one would have figured I... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Bet your bottom dollar

Now, if there was a dollar I was going to bet, it wouldn’t be the last one in the pile. I would be more prone to bet the top dollar and hope that would be a description of my winnings. Perhaps I have mistaken the meaning of the term, “bottom dollar.” Some women keep their folding cash in their bras. Those, then would be the top dollars. That would lead me to the conclusion I would have nothing to do with the bottom dollar. Many a used car sales man has been known to offer “top dollar” for your... Sign in to see full entry.

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