Sunday, December 14, 2008
Almost every Hallmark Christmas Special ever made
A dysfunctional family (and there are many dysfunctions a family can suffer from) gets together for Christmas. The parents are usually divorced and with new spouses. Not only do the children not get along with their step siblings, they don’t see eye to eye with their step parents either, who’s marriage is shaky at best. Things should be going smoothly but of course, they are not. Tensions mount, a rift occurs and it looks like the turkey will be left on the lavishly decorated table until it...
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The second day of Christmas
All right, who thought of cross-breeding turtles with doves? First, turtles are notoriously shy, I mean its hard to get them to come out of their shells, you know? Then there are the doves, the universal sign of peace, not a piece of action for a turtle. While turtles are rather earthy, doves are quite flighty. Whoever hatched this match knew they both lay eggs but that’s about as far as I dare take it. So if you had a turtledove, what would it look like? If it were green, wouldn’t people...
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Saturday, December 13, 2008
The how many days of Christmas? An annual favorite?
Ok, we need more Christmas is what you’re telling us? After all, they break out the tree ornaments in most stores around, oh, maybe June or something. We have the 12 day tradition firmly established in song although no one really knows why this tradition is. I mean it’s hard enough to get gifts for one day, let alone twelve. A Partridge in a Pear tree. Which Partridge? Do they even do public appearances anymore? If it’s my pear tree, make it Laurie Partridge, Susan Dey just does something for me...
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Thursday, December 11, 2008
Stupendous gift ideas.
Stumped by what to get for that hard-to-shop-for person on your list? Well, so am I. A lot of people seem to have everything they need and no room for knick-knack kinds of things. “Oh my, isn’t this cute” they exclaim as they unwrap yet another Hallmark tree ornament of someone in an outhouse. Inwardly they are thinking, “another damn thing to dust and remember to put out when these creeps come to my house.” So herewith are my great gift ideas, which you will find almost as useful as most “gift...
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Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Winter blues
Cold winds swirl outside. My throat is on fire inside. I think I’m trying to get a cold. Now I could take some of those remedies you see on TV that would make me feel like, well, Barak Obama, you know, ready to grab the world by the tail. Instead I feel like the world has me by my tail. I took some of those Nifty Neato No Sweat Cold Pills and now I’m sweating. My mouth is so dry my tongue has stuck to the roof of my mouth. I am shaking so bad I don’t dare try to take my temperature lest I bite...
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Friday, December 5, 2008
And that’s why I keep a squirrel in my pajamas!
I had a dream that I was on a date with Ugly Betty, you know, that girl on the TV show by the same name. Anyway, I was trying to imagine her without her, well I’ll just say it, her gawd-awful glasses, braces, colored stockings and clothes that resemble a troupe of clowns yard sale. No, no, not naked, merely dressed and coiffed like a normal real girl, that’s all. After all she is “TV’s Ugly Betty” much in the same way TV had Doogie Howser. Of course Doogie is now Barney and not he of the purple...
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Monday, December 1, 2008
The only good pun is a bad pun
Recently, medical science has unveiled a study that promises relief to cold and allergy sufferers around the world. According to an exhaustive experiment carried out by tired scientists, simply using a saline nasal spray twice in the morning and twice in the evening will cure the common cold, prevent airborne antigen allergies and add 21 points to your I.Q. Of course, regarding the I.Q. part they offer the usual “your I.Q. may vary. As I read this, I couldn’t help but wonder, "is this true, or...
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Sunday, November 30, 2008
A guide to trouble codes
How to interpret those pesky trouble codes. Nearly every aspect of modern life involves technologically advanced, well, technology. One of the benefits of this modern way of living is the devices we invite into our homes or drive on the streets can tell us when something is wrong by setting a trouble code. On the surface, this seems all well and good, but dig a little deeper and it all becomes a murky quagmire waiting to douse your spirits and send you into a mental tailspin. By the way the...
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Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Do negative ions really exist?
What the heck are negative ions? Have you ever noticed that some people just can’t seem to get anything to work? My wife seems to have them when it comes to electronic devices. I use the garage door opener all the time, it works flawlessly. She uses it and the door goes into some kind of spasmodic mode where it goes up and down endlessly. It will do every function except close. She turned on the microwave the other day and now all the display says is F9. A quick call to Sears revealed that F9...
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Friday, November 21, 2008
National humor shortage expected.
Wall Street is in the gutter, Wal Mart starts to sputter, Detroit is in the crapper, I can’t even make fun of the clapper. Or can I? Of course I can, it’s my blog after all. Ok, I’ll admit, I had to dig through the archives for this one, but I’ll rework it and present it for your edification. Herewith: Clap on, crap gone. The ingenious minds that brought you the Clapper have come up with yet another device to take your life ever so much closer to Nirvana. Sorry Pearl Jam fans, you’ll have to...
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