Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Are you afraid of change?

No, I don’t mean pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters! I mean the way Microsoft Word 2007 is different from the earlier version I am using now. Why did they have to change it, doesn’t this version allow me to misspell words at will equally well? Why do the new cars have a 40 inch interactive screen plastered into the middle of the dashboard to show us where to go when all we want to do is pull into convenience stores (aka gas stations) and ask pimply face teenagers or turban wearing clerks how... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Got Velentine's decorations?

The Valentine Rose Bush is decorated with blown glass candy heart replicas, complete with snazzy phrases such as: Kiss me quick, before the Viagra wears off. Or the perennial favorite: Love me, my Herpes is in remission. Don’t forget the Hillbilly favorite: You kiss your mother with that tongue? The Valentine lights are up outside, all red, white and pink bulbs. I carefully and respectfully replaced Jesus in the lighted animated Nativity display with Cupid. He shoots real arrows that really... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

You only thought you knew this one.

I saw a girl peddling unusual mementos at the ocean’s edge. Batteries not included, for you see, she was selling electric sea shells that took C cells by the seashore, see! And her name was Sally. Now you may say this is all silly, what with Sally and her sea shells that took C cells by the seashore but they were on sale! Only a C-note. I think you see where this is going and if you do, you must be cross-eyed by now! Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Adventures of Dungor!

The origins of the comic book, sort of. One minute he was a mere beetle rolling elephant poo across the jungle floor. ZAP! He was hit by radioactive lightening and metamorphosed into Dungor, defender of hapless insects everywhere! Og: What that? Zog: Graphic novel. Og: You mean comic slate? Zog: No, graphic novel so much more than comic slate, it have characters, unbelievable plot lines and superhero dung beetle named Dungor! Og: Seems more like what Dungor wipe off feet at end of day. Zog:... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Shot in Cleveland

That would be the TV sitcom of my life should I re-locate to that city. Me, the guy with his belt up under his armpits yelling at those pesky hotties, “get those walkers off my lawn!” When I would go get a hair cut, it would be just that, one hair is all that’s left to cut unless you count eyebrow hair which is for some mysterious reason, a virtual rain forest. Forget the warning about something lasting longer than four hours, that’s three hours and fifty-five minutes longer than my attention... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Groundhog’s day a ripoff!

Yes, just by some strange twist of universal karma (or something like that) I was considering the juxtaposition of Ground Hog’s Day, February 2 nd with March 20 th, the first day of spring. It comes out to six weeks and three days. How gullible we all have been! There will always be six weeks of winter between Ground Hog’s Day and the First Day of Spring! We’ve been ripped off by a pack of furry rodents from Punxatawny. Ok, spell check doesn’t think that is a word, but I used the Phoenician... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

You are not what you don’t eat

“Oh, I’m vegan now!” is something we hear more and more. Then we are smugly informed, “I don’t eat anything that’s been killed!” Let us imagine for a moment two living things and their horrible demise at the teeth of a human. They huddle close, knowing their inevitable fate. They cannot run, they are stuck like two peas in a pod, mostly because they are two peas in a pod about to be munched by a self-righteous vegan! The inhumanity, they are not yet dead when plucked from the vine and crunched... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Car Keys, Oh Where Art Thou?

Mythical beasts, those car keys, rumored to be on organized people’s key racks. For me, they exist in some deep unsearched pocket, most likely that pair of pants tumbling in the washing machine. It’s a front loader too and as Shakespeare said about them: Is there not a front loader with recess’s so deep That woulds’t snatch those keys then keep Hoarding them til the owners bemoans Bleep – Bleep! Wait, maybe is was Poe: Its that cursed Raven at my door “You’ll find you car keys nevermore!” Then... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Have I lost my mind?

Probably, and if its with my car keys, I’m in trouble. One sock, two sock, red sock, blue sock, fashion statement or symptom of a messed up sock drawer? The other day as I was ironing my socks, I found a hole in one, darn it. That’s par though. One thing you don’t want to do with a holey sock is use it for a coin bank, its sort of like paying taxes, the money is gone and you’re still in the hole. You may recognize this style of writing, it is the “I was trying to think of something to write when... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Santa in January

Scene: The North Pole Santa’s workshop is strewn with tools, paint spatters and parts of unfinished toys everywhere. The elves have all left for the Bahamas and a well-earned vacation. Rudolph and the other reindeer are sleeping off their returning-to-the-pole party. Rudolph’s nose was glowing at the company party, but not as a beacon, more as a sign of too much vodka. Santa and Mrs. Clause are sleeping late, it has been a difficult year. In all, the percentage of naughty to nice is rising but... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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