Warped thoughts

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Fixer upper for sale, illustrated

D ripping with potential, this car will make you the center of attention in your neighborhood. Just look at the way that body shines! Imagine what it will be like when it’s painted. Of course, windows would be nice, but Saran Wrap will fit the bill nicely. And when it comes to an engine choice, the field is wide open, as is the engine compartment. Just whip on out to your favorite wrecking yard, grab a motor and your nearly ready to purr down the highway. Of course what’s a fixer upper without a... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

A new on-line dating service

Are you horribly ugly? Do you even stand a chance of getting a date? If you’re a member of the cracked mirror society, you too can meet your match. Just fill out the profile and be brutally honest. When you were little, did your parents give you a pork chop just so the dog would play with you? Do Vultures flying overhead avert their eyes at your presence? When the local theater presents “Beauty and the Beast” do they cast you as the Beast to save on costumes and makeup? Well, if that’s what’s... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Why you shouldn’t dig thistles in the nude…

And other things I shouldn’t have to tell you. Nude ice skating for example, you really need more padding for butt plants. Never ride a wild bull in a prom dress. Wild bulls in prom dresses are already mighty agitated. Never say to a police officer, “but I only wanted to make sure the speedometer was accurate over 100 miles per hour!” Never tell your shrink fantasies about their mother. Don’t paper train a bull next to the China hutch. And finally, don’t compare London to Salt Lake City or for... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

An oldie for your consideration

These are the times that try the soles of men’s shoes, especially when wrestling the old human powered reel mower that was once a yard ornament his grandparents inherited back in the Ice Age. It is a heavy beast, made of the finest cast iron and the only lubricant employed in the last 30 years is the rain from the roof of the shed it leans up against. The lawn looks terrible, due to the method needed to get "old hernia maker" to do anything at all. Pick it up, run full tilt for about 20 feet,... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Fifty shades of no way!

All right, I haven’t read the book but in this day of information overload, that doesn’t mean I haven’t gleaned enough tidbits to be able to poke fun at it. Older folks having the kinky sex is what I think its all about. Either that or what happens to one’s pubic area with age. At any rate, the two go together. I heard your naughty thoughts and you are right. The Tango is not the only thing it takes two to do. At advancing age, merely having sex at all is kinky enough, the whips and chains are... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Rappest thou not!

Rap singers and even the Rap industry are seen as the seamy underside of the entertainment arena. Too often we think of the vulgar lyrics and the underlying in-your-face attitude encompassed by the Rap experience as The rap experience. This is nothing new, entertainment has always drawn criticism it seems. Would people have dared put restrictions on plays in Shakespeare’s time? As sure as the crow’s caw assaults our ears, it was such in the Bard’s day. From a preface of “A Midsummer Night’s... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Scientific Discovery Slaps Geeks With Rubber Chicken

Uncertain, Switzerland (a geek pun in itself) the Large Hadron Collider shocked physicists with a new Boson. They were looking for the Higgs Boson so when this new type showed up, it was a total surprise. What looked like an ordinary electron collision produced a particle that seemed to emit an impossible number of smaller particles. Lead Scientist, Megan Itallup was quick to name the new discovery, the Bozo Boson. Later that day, two Bozo Bosons were seen to be squirting each other with seltzer... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

When skunks worship

They all bow their heads as the pastor intones, “let us spray!” Odd as that may seem, the priest for the produce workers offers a similar incantation in, “Lettuce spray!” Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, July 2, 2012

How to manage a “to-do” list

First make three categories (1) Things I would like to do. (2) Things I want to do. (3) Things I need to do. While some of these may seem to bleed over into the others, something such as weed spray the lawn may come under the heading of things I need to do, but not under things I want to do or things I would like to do. At least for me. Go ahead and put the same project into each category it fits into. That way, you can find the chores you are most likely to actually get done. Getting things... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Why did the Rooster cross the road?

Because he didn’t care why the chicken crossed the road. I hope I didn’t lay an egg there. Out of the pan, into the fire. If it’s true that he who hesitates is lost, what then of he who looks before he leaps? He’s certainly not a Lemming. Lemming’s mothers are often known to chastise the young by saying, “so, you’re not going to jump off the cliff? All the other kids are jumping off the cliff, why not you?” It’s a mixed up shook up world. Paul McCartney turns 70, douses cake with fire... Sign in to see full entry.

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