Wednesday, December 24, 2008
The how many days of Christmas: Part 12
Twelve frigging Lords a leaping? Pandemonium reigns supreme as they mostly try to jump the milking maids. They claim to be trying out for the Olympics, specializing in the pole vault and high jump. Mostly they sit around smoking dope, then every time they hear a Police siren, they leap to their feet crying “cool it, the cops!” How they hear anything over the racket is beyond me. Not only that, since they are Lords they demand service fit for royalty but really they are just a royal pain and are...
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Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The how many days of Christmas: Part 11
Now I will tell the story of 11 ladies dancing. Ok, that was fine at first blush but too late I found out they came with their own grunge band and a mosh pit. Not only that, they were all lesbian and only wanted to dance with each other. Not so groovy for me, the drummers or the pipers, but obviously my true love didn’t want me to be tempted. They have also converted most the maids-a-milking much to the dismay of all the men. I am tempted to become a lesbian but they won’t let me in. Pun...
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Monday, December 22, 2008
The how many days of Christmas? Part 10
Above all the racket there came a knock on the door. I was afraid to open it, but one of the maids stopped a-milking, leapt up and swung the door wide. There they were, ten pipers piping. You may be picturing guys with flutes, piccolos and the like but no, they were accompanied by the skirling of bagpipes! Not only were they not playing any Jethro Tull, they were doing a rousing rendition of “beer barrel polka” which only served to antagonize the gathered throngs who took the song to heart and...
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Sunday, December 21, 2008
The days of Christmas, #9,#9,#9
Just what I always wanted! Nine drummers drumming but not one of them was Ringo Starr. I was already sick of “little drummer boy” or what ever the hell it is and if I never hear another drum again, it will be too soon. Ok, so “pa-rum-pa-pa-pum” would really be welcome, these guys all think they’re Ginger Baker or something. I think living on a machine gun test range would be more peaceful. Peace on Earth my aching eardrums. Of course, being union drummers, they take a lot of breaks. Then when...
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Saturday, December 20, 2008
The cow many days of Christmas – part 8
Today it was eight maids-a-milking. At first I was pretty excited about the eight maids all decked out in their almost French maid milking outfits. Then they brought in their cows, stools, buckets and scoop shovels. After all, how can they be a-milking unless they have cows to a-milk? And if one has cows, one needs the proper cow maintenance equipment. The only thing they didn’t bring was a barn. There is one thing about cows most people don’t know. When you milk a cow, there is some mysterious...
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Friday, December 19, 2008
The how many days of Christmas; Part seven.
The seventh day, and the theme is most fowl yet again, I’m beginning to suspect a plot. Yes, seven swans a-swimming. I am going to have to put in a pool now because swimming swans have to swim, don’t they? For now I have a bathtub fill of swans, you could knock me over with a feather. Swan chow isn’t cheap either. They also gang up on all the other birds I seem to have accumulated and the noise is deafening. On top of that, the swans are planning on trying out for the next Olympics in the...
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Thursday, December 18, 2008
Goosed at Christmas: day six.
Six geese a-laying. That’s what my true love sent to me. But they’re not producing any eggs, they are just laying around watching soap operas on television. Couchus potatous Geesius is their genus and species I would guess. At least if they were laying eggs I could reasonably expect a golden one every now and then but no, they are transfixed by The Days Of Our Lives. They are about to be The Edge Of Dinner and when I tell them to “stuff it” they should take me literally. These geese remind me...
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Wednesday, December 17, 2008
You know this one by heart
Five golden rings! Let’s see now, ye olde shopping liste says upon the fifth day of Christmas, I shall bestow upon my one true love, 5 golden rings. Oh come on now, isn’t that a little overkill? Let’s see, with five rings how could she possibly use them all? Well, I suppose she could wear one on one digit of each appendage, but that only requires four. Oh! I know, the fifth is the one she puts in my nose to lead me around. That makes sense. By this time your house is knee deep in bird poop and...
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Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The how many days of Christmas? Part 4
The fourth day of the Holiday Season and my true love has bestowed upon me four calling birds. Four calling birds? Calling whom? Do they have a family plan or something? Doesn’t that mean four British girls (birds) talking on their cell phones? Do tell! Four girls might be most men’s dreams but think of it. It is hard enough to get a word in edgewise with just one woman, much less four. Perhaps her idea was to show me she isn’t so bad after all. Maybe these calling birds are actually the flying...
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Monday, December 15, 2008
The third day of Christmas
These first days seem to have an avian theme going for them. Now we have to add to our collection of fine feathered friends, three French Hens. You can always tell a French Hen, they will spit in your general direction while taking a drag off of a smelly cigarette next to an open sewer while drinking an overpriced wine. The beret is another tip off along with them constantly imitating Marcel Marceau imitating a chicken. Three French Hens are just enough to form a chorus line and do a lively...
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