Saturday, March 1, 2008
A new TV show
Following in the paw prints of the Animal Channel (say that 3 times real fast) comes a new entry into the mesmerizing world of animal exploitation. Coming soon to a Crapload Communications affiliate near you, look for this thinly veiled copy of “The Dog Whisperer” Set in India, the story follows the attempt by the Taliban to take over that country and their plan is to convert the holy cows of India to a specific sect of Islam, starting with the males. Follow the exploits of Sheik Yamahni Mekkah...
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Friday, February 29, 2008
License please
Blue lights flashing in the mirror, never a good sign. Particularly when they are accompanied by Paisley flags and popcorn fireworks. I pulled my train to the side of the canal and wondered what was going on. The officer swung his legs over his Gazellecycle and tapped on my window with one hoof. I rolled the blinds down and winced at the hissing of steam at they clanged to a stop at the bottom of their travel. The officer craned his long neck down and demanded, “May I see your license to dream?”...
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Worst pun discovered
From the heartland where Bovines are king comes the story of cattle rancher Doant Thet Beetall, who it was said, had a cow with a very unusual skill, unusual for any being, much less a cow. This cow could talk, and I know you’ve heard of talking cow stories before and are probably not it the m-o-o-d, but I’d be an udder fool not to regurgitate this cud of thought to chew on. With that out of the way, on to our story. This cow (named most uncreativly, Bossie) not only could talk, but she did it...
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Friday, February 22, 2008
12 questions with F4T.
Tonight I go one-on-one with myself in a penetrating interview designed to reveal things that I may, or may not, want to be revealed. Rather than the usual ten questions, I have decided to go one up and use twelve questions. More info don’t you know. Alright, let’s begin. 1.So F4T, what’s with the twelve questions? Me: Well, didn’t you read the intro that you wrote, what kind of idiot are you? 2.Hey no fair asking questions, leave that to me, now where was I? Me: You were asking about the...
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Thursday, February 21, 2008
The abominable Loch Ness snowman
I may be mixing my metaphors, usually I like to mix bourbon and water. That always helps with meting my mixaphors. Police arrested an English teacher for exposing himself, he was charged with improper use of a dangling preposition. The U.S. Navy blasted an uncontrolled spy satellite to smithereens. Now space is full of uncontrolled smithereens. Should one crash to the ground near you, call the space smithereens hot line and be sure to wash your hands. Identification of these fragments should be...
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Caution! Intellect at work (lavishly photo illustrated)
Have you ever taken an IQ test? I did, I took it home in fact. I knew there was no way I could answer all them questions without looking in the Encyclopedia Idiotica for help. Those test make me feel bad, icky in fact, which is why I call them Ick tests. You know, IQ spells ick, don’t it? Why did I have to be the one to figure that out? Einstein didn’t get it, even with his E=mc 2. Perhaps you didn’t know that good old Albert didn’t come up with that first, in fact Austrian physicist Friedrich...
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Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Jumping to conclusions
In conclusion avoid mental contusion and intellectual overload by reading supermarket tabloids. Do Elvis and God really hang out with Liberace? Is Shirley McClain really going to come back as herself? Are Siegfried and Roy really gay or are they just lion? Is the lost city of Atlantis actually Atlantic City and they are just too ashamed to admit it? Is the real reason the Hindenburg crashed because they let Hitler drive and he wasn’t too good at it? Are Jim Morrison, John Lennon and Kurt Kobain...
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Sunday, February 17, 2008
Here’s the thing
I’m tired. Can’t think. Brain sluggish. Must…get…inspiration! I’ve found it much harder to write something funny than to bitch about something. But I really am not in the mood to do opinions right now, or, at least that’s my opinion. I wanted to be scintillatingly brilliant, cutting and oh so clever, but I fear if you looked into my brainial cavity right now it would resemble nothing more than plain oatmeal. No lumps even. I need a humor transfusion, stat! Quick, bring me a newspaper. Drat, all...
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Saturday, February 16, 2008
Completely unhinged
I think I have lost my mind. No, it wasn’t a big loss, but I think I will probably miss it before long. Long hours and not seeing the sun will do that to a person. That and the constant drizzle of snow that threatens to stay well into spring have me in a state of cabin fever. Take two hot buttered rums and call me in the morning. Say, I may be onto something there, now only if I had some hot, some butter and some rum, I’d be cooking with gas. Oops, I forgot, we cook with electricity because we...
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Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Kitten finds Blogit boffo, hot pix the tix
Our new kitten loves the computer. She intently stares at the screen and tracks the cursor with all the skill of a lion stalking it’s prey. You know why they call it prey? Because when the lions are around, the gazelles all pray. Well, anyway, back to the kitty. Her favorite site, next to pets.com is Blogit. Really! Ok, I knew you would think I was bluffing so I asked her to pose for me and she gladly obliged. She wanted to know if I like the shot with her paw on the screen better or her intent...
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