Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Friday, August 25, 2006

Things that drive you mad

Like: losing your mind. I lost my mind, and I only hope I can find it soon, I really miss it. Of course, I wouldn’t have missed it if it hadn’t gotten lost, so overall, I guess it’s a good thing. Like: locking your keys in the car. DOH! It’s funny how just the sound of the door closing is different and you KNOW you have done the premier dumb-ass thing in the world. Just the extra physical presence of the key in the ignition changes the acoustics of the car so the door closing has a slightly... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Sweet workplace accident

Have you ever fallen into crap and come out smelling like a Rose? Probably not is my bet. Darmin Garcia of Kenosha Wisconsin works at the Debelis Corp. chocolate plant. He was “pushing chocolate down into the vat because it was stuck.” When the chocolate came loose, Garcia just slid down the hopper into the chocolate. He was trapped for two and a half hours in the gooey stuff that was a toasty 110 degrees Fahrenheit. Your local hot tub is around 103 to 104 degrees in case you were wondering. The... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The English langwage

How are yew at spelling? I spell finely myself. This is a test …….. it is only a test …… I am intentionally using the wrong words to illustrate the phallic cymbals of spell check. Do not attempt this in your own home, weather or knot it is on the range. “Auntie Em, Auntie Em, the house fell on the cook stove!” “Well Dorothy, how else can you have home on the range?” “Now who’s that knocking on the door at one hour before eleven and one hour after nine?” “Obviously, it’s the ten man, if only he... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

What if Shakespeare had written a soap opera?

Crapload News has just discovered long-lost William Shakespeare manuscripts that reveal the bard of Avon was an early-day Soap Opera writer. Reporter Don T. Beeleevit secured copies of Romeo and Juliet, the sequel and says they put a whole new light on the master of Iambic pentameter. The scene opens: Juliet- “Romeo, Romeo, therefore art thou dear Romeo.” Romeo- “Juliet, what the f— er, I mean Juliet how coulds’t this be? T’was with my own two eyes, one upon each side of my nose that I didst see... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Writing humor is no phun.

It’s such a stress, coming up with atrocious puns all the time. Or letting my mind play word association and just hoping it knows what it’s doing. Sometimes it just makes my brains hurt. I really don’t know why we refer to our brain in the plural, unless most of us are beside ourselves, I know we are. Usually one can find something funny in the newspapers, but unless it is Garfield or Peanuts, one is mostly out of luck this week. Elections are bearing down on us so soon we will have lots of... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Soap Opera plots, lots of bubbles.

All soap operas have the same plot lines. Go ahead, any soap opera you watch, I can tell you what happens. Someone will have amnesia and sleep with someone they shouldn’t and normally wouldn’t because they have amnesia and don’t know they have another person in their life. Only after said sleeping is accomplished do pieces of their missing life start to fall in place, and then they have to beg forgiveness. Am I right? Every single one has used that plot, most many more than once. Soaps are rife... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, August 9, 2006

James Bond relative living in America

To the surprise of almost everyone, a relative of James Bond, British super spy, was located living in the Ozarks. The last of the Bond bloodline bears an astonishingly similar name, Jim-Bob Bond. While he doesn’t work for the top-secret hush-hush British secret service, he is a spy of sorts. He has his own detective agency and makes a good living investigating whether the baby a pregnant woman has is really hers. Like James, Jim-Bob is smooth and dapper, never letting one suspender on his... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, August 7, 2006

Boy, have I got a Haddock!

I went to the doctor and complained I had a terrible Haddock. He said that sounded fishy, he suggested I go to Aspen and call him in the morning. While I was there, I decided to do some skiing, it went downhill after that. They said it was easier to take the chair lift to the top, but I knew they were just trying to take me for a ride. I was warned not to eat yellow snow, so I said in my best John Wayne impression, “I aint gonna eat any scardey cat snow!” It was such a bad impression, no one was... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Beam me up Squatty! a re-post

Wouldn’t it be great if there were actual transporter rooms to replace the clumsy, slow and dangerous forms of travel we presently employ? Just think, step onto a little circle, state you destination and “twinkle twinkle twinkle” you arrive instantly, look around and instantly your luggage is somewhere to the left of Andromeda 9 while you are in Topeka. Well, some things never change, I suppose. That thought starts a chain reaction of other thoughts, doubtful thoughts concerning the reality of... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Emergency weight loss?

That’s what the e-mail said. Now I wonder, what could constitute an emergency that would require fast, fast, fast weight loss? Scene, the bedroom of a fairly nice house, a couple prepares for the inevitable class reunion. She is almost dressed, he is frantically banging around in the other room. “Dear are you ready yet, I love this gown, the shoes are, ehhhhhh, but I think I will make a pretty good impression at your class reunion.” “Oh my God, what am I going to do, my letterman jacket won’t... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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