Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Water ya gonna do for a lawn this year?

-or- The thirsty thistle Blues Phhhhht-Phhhhhht-Phhhhht-Phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the maddening sound of the circular recoil spring pulse type sprinkler as it sticks once again and refuses to reverse its direction. Every year, it’s the same thing. Go out and buy a good sprinkler, the type that requires a financial advisor and a bank loan, but actually works. Or get the low-ball-cheapo type that sell for fifty-seven cents a gross, and work for approximately 2.4 seconds before locking up,... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Confessions of a smartass

In polite company, it would be "smart aleck" but I don’t know Mr. Baldwin and he spells his name wrong anyway. What made me this way? I worked with the public for 28 years. The continuous exposure to human stupidity forced me to re-route my reactions, my defense mechanism, and store them internally which caused a back up that I spew forth at times I deem harmless, such as now. Once in line at Safeway, a customer in front of me grumbled, “If I had known this line was so slow, I would have gone to... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

An original little Johnny joke

Little Johnny was watching TV and had tuned in a pornographic channel. His mother came into the room and saw what was going on. Immediately, little Johnny was sent to his room to think about his transgression. His mother set about blocking channels and setting parental limits. The next day when she came home, he was perched in front of the TV. “What are you watching?” she asked. Little Johnny replied, “aw, just some fu**ing….” whereupon she grabbed the remote, shut off the TV and banished the... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Some silliness

First, why isn’t it sillyness? Why change the “y” to an “i”? What sense does that make? It seems a little sillie to me. On to tonight’s performance, an epic musical starring Jean Cluade Van Damme as an early American farmer in the Sam Peckinpah production, Damme Claude Busters. The story chronicles the struggle of the cattlemen versus the ranchers as fences take over the open prairie. And why is it spelled prairie? I thought prarie was good, but oh no, spellcheck would have nothing of it. I... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Remote control re-runs

The DVR may be the greatest thing since sliced bread, but if you put sliced bread into your TV, you won’t be able to control it with the remote. One thing I have found about the DVR system is the awful truth, you can record way more mindless TV than you can watch. Once nice thing is, if you miss a crucial point, say of a panty-liner commercial, you can rewind and be enlightened again and again. My wife, ever the smarty pants, insists the fast-forward feature is for skipping commercials.... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

New Fall TV shows announced

Another Crapload News exclusive! This fall look for Laverne, Shirley, Thelma and Louise. Yes, it’s a laugh filled road trip every weekend for these hard working, hard partying girls who are roommates as well as workmates at the Lone Star brewery in Abilene, Texas. Join the fun as some poor schmuck gets hung out to dry as these savvy girls take a tongue in cheek poke at male chauvinism as we know it today. In a nod to political correctness, they journey through the byways of life in a pink Toyota... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Why not Super Duper Man?

Superman, not only a man of steel, but also a man of endless re-runs and re-makes. What makes this Super Hero so attractive to generations? After all, he is totally unbelievable. If he were real, he would join the Super Heroes Organization Of Teamsters (a union, SHOOT for short) and charge way too much for his services. Man, falling from a tall (naturally) building: “Help me Superman, I am falling from a tall (naturally) building!” Superman: SWOOSH “Hey, how’s it goin’? Say, it looks like you... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Why are they called smart cars?

You’ve heard of smart cars, right? You know, a car that adjusts the volume of the radio, cassette, cd player, ok, ok, the entertainment command control center to compensate for road noise as you drive. Or cars that have dual zone climate control so the passenger and driver don’t get into fisticuffs because one wants the de-frost on and the other wants to turn the car into an ice-box. There are cars that tell you when to change the oil, the wiper fluid, that the tires have low pressure and that... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Gotta love them computerz

How did we live before ctr-alt-del? I go to my mailbox and there is the weekly local newspaper, one credit card offer, the phone bill and the power bill. That is it. No one wanting me to get a lower mortgage or a bigger penis, neither of which I need at this point. I was gone for 4 days and when I got home there were 475 emails in my in box, only one of which was anything I needed to get. For some reason, not answering them breeds more. Now if the persons were having to lick all those stamps... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

F4T on the move...

Yes dear readers, I, like Willie Nelson am on the road again in case you're wondering where I been. This time we are off to the small town of Clarkston WA which is near Lewiston Idaho. The more astuted among you, (which leaves me out) have by now figured that Mssrs Lewis and Clark went through this area on thier way to the sea. Then they saw the sea and said, "that's enough for me!" and promptly went back to St. Loius. That would have been the end, except it wasn't. So now we, unlike the famous... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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