Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, November 12, 2006

No Superheroes for me please.

Superman, Spiderman, Batman and all the other super freaks of the hero world capture our attention. Gee, what a better world it would be if only we had these super persons capable of super feats of, well, superness. By golly, it would be super, wouldn’t it? At first blush, yes but on closer inspection we find something sinister and dark about super heroes, and that seems to be that their presence is inexorably accompanied by the appearance of Super Villains. All their energies then are taken up... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:18 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

Ask your doctor…

You’ve heard the ads, now ask your doctor if Levitra is right for you, I don’t care if you are a woman! Here’s the real deal, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. Patient; “Dr. is Levitra right for me?” Dr.; “Well, considering you’re having a heart transplant, no, and besides, you can’t afford it.” Patient; “You mean my insurance won’t cover it?” Dr.: (snickering) “If your policy covers ‘it’ then it isn’t much of a policy. But in your case a postage stamp would cover it. (chortling now) HMOs... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:04 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, November 6, 2006

High rise hijinks.

Every day, Ichabod would climb the 542 steps up to the gantry house. His company was building a high-rise bordello in Las Vegas. It would be the tallest whore house in Nevada when it was finished. One patron of the “girls of negotiable virtue” was very excited about the eventuality (no, that was not a roll of Tums in his pocket) and visited the construction site daily. Finally it was nearly done and one night he snuck into the structure and climbed the stairs to the top. He had visited his... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:26 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, November 4, 2006

Designer Genes, sort of.

Wal*Mart, in an effort to lure upscale customers has introduced it’s own line of designer clothes for women. Come to think of it, designer clothes for men would be just like the proverbial sow’s ear in a silk purse. But, of course, I have digressed. The designer wanted to have a catchy name for her line and at first thought of just using her first name, Deborah. But WM, in an attempt to mimic another world renown merchandising giant, J.C. Penny (few people know that J.C. stands for Jaques Cinque... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:38 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Werewolf eye for the straight guy.

I surrendered my humanity to the night in such gradual stages that I wasn’t able to pinpoint exactly when I had become a Werewolf. My wife looked at me askance when she came into the family room and found me watching re-runs of Lassie Come Home and scratching behind my ear with my foot. My first real clue was when I padded over to her chair and licked her hand, lifted my leg and relieved myself on her feet. Her precarious position, standing on the back of her overstuffed chair, clinging to the... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:18 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, October 30, 2006

The Halloween Brownie

I remember trick-or-treating, particularly the year I don’t remember much about it. You see, we lived out in the country amid what would now be called persons of alternate lifestyles but in our day we called them Hippies. They were a friendly enough bunch, always smiling although sometimes it was as if they didn’t even see me, their eyes seemed somewhat glazed for some reason. Conversations with them were rough because they were always forgetting what they were saying in mid sentence. Anyway, I... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:00 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Halloween in the old days.

I remember trick-or-treating, particularly the year I don’t remember much about it. You see, we lived out in the country amid what would now be called persons of alternate lifestyles but in our day we called them Hippies. They were a friendly enough bunch, always smiling although sometimes it was as if they didn’t even see me, their eyes seemed somewhat glazed for some reason. Conversations with them were rough because they were always forgetting what they were saying in mid sentence. Anyway, I... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:59 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Is it Halloween yet?

My costume was perfect. The ladies at the bank always dress up so I thought they would appreciate a customer who put in equal effort. Unfortunately there was some confusion. I had planned my costume diligently, right down to the plastic Tommy gun. John Dillinger was who I was supposed to be. But since I am president of the (proposed) procrastinator’s club my idea was to be in costume a week or two late, a right funny joke by my standards. So the teller asked me, “what’s the deal with the old... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:44 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, October 28, 2006

It’s spooktacular

Ghosts are trying to sell you cars or furniture or hemorrhoid medicine. It’s all a pain in the butt. Advertisements and commercials are scary enough, but this time of year, they can get a little nauseating. Yes, I would like to brew up some savings that are completely scary. But didn’t we just get over discovering Columbus Day sale prices? And weren’t they the same? And won’t we be thankful for those same savings in about a month? The ad person who coined the phrase, “sale-a-bration” should be... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:45 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, October 27, 2006

Frightday, finally

My wife laughed uncontrollably, “nice costume” she finally blurted out, “what are you, cottage cheese gone bad?” You see, I had just climbed from the shower and was, er, well, nekkid if you must know. I am pretty well past the time of dressing up in silly costumes, getting drunk and throwing up on them. The costume stores won’t take them back if that happens you know. I still puzzle about what to do with the Wonder Woman costume with the red wine stains down the front. In fact, I don’t remember... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:21 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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