Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Under the influence

Red Skelton was one of the first people to influence my sense of humor. The others had to be my mother and father. My dad had a sense of humor that eerily parallels mine. I say that because I was only six when he passed away, so I barely remember him. Yet, I have a piece he wrote that, were I to post it, the reader would think it was mine. We also had a neighbor who was always making jokes and turning clever phrases. Later, I would list humor influences such as Redd Foxx, George Carlin, Marty... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

LOL

How many who use that cyber shorthand are actually LOLing? Or, I wonder, how many who ROFLMAO really look around and their A is AWOL? Just how many have to change their underwear after PIMPing? Yes, I do read things that make me laugh out loud, but I am too old school to LOL, instead I just laugh away and my wife thinks I am losing it. I have news for her, I didn’t have it to lose. Now when you read that, please don’t SSOOYNAOYM. Really, shooting snot out of your nose all over you monitor is not... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

My trees is haunted!

Something weird is going on. I cleaned the leaves off the lawn and the next morning, someone had taken more off the trees and put them in my lawn. What should I do? Someone said that is the nature of trees in the Autumn, but I’m not falling for that! You’ve heard - Spring has sprung the grass has riz I wonder where the hell the Petunias is! Well try this - Fall has fell the grass is flat the Petunias are dead I’m madder than hell! As one leaf said to the other, “that’s why they call it... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Need more time?

Scientists at Spurious University, located in the outskirts of Left Elbow, Kentucky recently made a startling discovery. No, it wasn’t that teachers get paid a years pay for working nine months, they already suspected that. The discovery occurred when a lab assistant accidentally left his watch in a vacuum chamber where they were testing space exploration equipment. The chamber was in a state of total vacuum for twenty-four hours, but when the lab assistant retrieved his watch, it was exactly... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

That picture of Dorian Gray

The story has it that Dorian Gray remained forever young while a picture of him in the attic supposedly aged. Oh sure, blame the picture why don’t you. The picture after all, is innocent I tell you. Everyone knows the picture was framed! Yes, I know that was dumb, but not nearly as dumb as when I went into a restaurant and wanted to order a BLT but didn’t because I couldn’t spell it. Don’t you find it strange the Jim Morrison got into his house by going through the doors? That is all. Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

The electricians trade publication, Current Events publishes several shocking articles every month. Also, don’t miss Bob Costas autobiography Palpable. North Korean Badass Kim Jong Il has just published a book of reminiscences called Short Stories¸ and another pamphlet explaining why so many of his country men are finding lots of skin showing through their inner footwear, Holy Socks. He also commented that Brazilian coffee was the worst he had ever drank and proceeded to stomp on the soggy... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Scrabble on ESPN?

Yes, I saw it myself. There they were, two grizzled veterans of the pro-Scrabble players tour going head to head (literally), the frayed edges of their Scrabble dictionaries a testament to their importance. The judges intently eye each tile as it’s placed, making sure that qwerty is really a word. But sadly, berwafflegrizzle is not, and it would have had a hell of a word score. Lately, these kinds of “sports” have gotten out of hand, including the poker craze, pun intended. While I might enjoy a... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Educational hobbies

Get smart while having fun. At least that’s the premise of a new educational toy on the market. According to Crapload News reporter, Guy Stone, the new toy from Hardrock Industries specializes in a geology lesson. It focuses on how the earth around us forms into stones, boulders and the like. Yes, right in you own home you can assemble the basic building blocks of boulders and learn how nature produces everything from gravel to gem-stones. Why is this new toy so attractive? “Well, it may look... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 9, 2006

Jericho

A T.V. program that asks the question; what happens after a nuclear attack? The small town of Jericho finds itself isolated after an apparent nuclear attack. All communications are gone and no one knows how widespread the attack is. It is one of the few shows lately to capture my attention, even though I think it paints too rosy a picture of life after the mushroom clouds, even though it tries not to. Hollywood wields its heavy hand by throwing in romances, mysterious characters and despite... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, October 6, 2006

The Porn Maze.

It was dark and early, my electric toothbrush nearly drowned out the radio and I thought they were advertising a “Porn Maze”. I was so excited I blew foamy toothpaste right out of my nose and possibly, my left ear. I pictured myself contentedly, blissfully even, wandering among row upon row of writhing bodies and getting lost in the ecstasy. A Porn Maze, now there is one heck of an entrepreneurial undertaking. Although it would not be family entertainment, many families might get started after... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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