Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Ask Walter

Car troubles? Ask the good automotive phd and self-proclaimed guru of all things mechanical, Walter Crankcase. The only psychic automotive trouble-shooter in the business. Dear Walter Crankcase: Isn’t your pen name a take-off on the famous respected journalist, Walter Cronkite? And if you’re so smart, why is my ’58 VW microbus such a piece of crap? Signed: Doubting in San Francisco Doubting: Of course it is, you Kool-Aid drinking pinhead numbskull, this is a humor column after all. Hey, sorry... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:55 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, July 9, 2006

I’m cheesed off

Ok, why cheese? And why off? What has cheese got to do with being angry, disgruntled or a chronic curmudgeon? Inquiring minds want to know. Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, the National Enquirer, boy, I hope they don’t get cheesed off. Now that pissed off is the stuff of Disney movies, I have the same question. Usually, taking a whiz (and you know what I mean) is a big relief. It makes most people happy. Where is the line between being pissed and being really pissed? If someone cuts you... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 5:40 PM | add or view comments (12) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, July 8, 2006

New threat to Earth

Just when you thought global warming was dreamed up by alarmist eco-freaks, (read Al Gore) along comes another global change that may, or may not, happen in our lifetimes. All right, give uncle Al a break, the Earth is warming and we should be more responsible with our emissions whether they are the cause or not. But now a new phenomena has been forecast, and there is nothing we can do about it, nor did we cause it, at least Al Gore hasn’t found a way to blame it on humans yet. It is magnetic... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 3:26 PM | add or view comments (8) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

Jurassic news flash

Scientists discover cave writings that tell an amazing tale. In a cave in France, near the town of Sur-Lac du Bedrock, Crapload News has caught up with cave writing expert, Sir Stonewall. What has been interpreted from the cave writings changes our present concepts of the relationship between human and dinosaurs. According to Stonewall, the roughly hewn hieroglyphics relate the, frankly, unbelievable story of the first dinosaur to be given driving lessons. Sir Stonewall, a leading... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 5:38 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

I have no idea.

Space aliens invade Earth, want their money back! Wait a minute, are they alien to space? According to the tabloids, most space aliens are gay, and want to make out with Fidel Castro. Now we know why they want their money back. Fidel didn’t want them there anyway, they weren’t Castro-rated! When he kicked them off his island, they were good survivors and wanted to look more like humans, so they made an appointment with a plastic sturgeon. Well, that didn’t go so good, and the caviar made them... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:47 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, July 3, 2006

Just setting the record straight

The previous post may have seemed outrageous. At lest to Mysteria, you see, she does not have TV disease, which means of course she is anything but clueless. So, for all who don’t TV, or choose not to, yes, there really was a series on HBO about a dysfunctional family of undertakers. It really was (or I suppose is) called Six Feet Under. I did not make that part up. One of the first, if not the first episodes did feature a male corpse with an erection. It happens, and I don’t know the scientific... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:29 PM | add or view comments (7) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, July 2, 2006

Six feet under

You know that TV series about a dyslexic family of funeral directors? Oh, pardon me, that should be dysfunctional, I am the dyslexic hear, and don’t know body forget it. What a slapstick series that is, I mean what other subject could be so fraught with humor? It should play well in England, you know, with all those stiff upper lips? Then there is that famous funeral director sense of dark humor. “So, how’s the funeral business?” “Well, were knocking them dead, making a killing.” “Business is... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 5:37 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, June 30, 2006

Phryday

Doesn’t that seem more upscale than Friday? On Friday, you drink beer until you barf on your shoes. But on a Phryday, one would imbibe on Champagne until one regurgitates on one’s Gucci loafers. On Friday, you watch Blue Collar Comedy until you pass out from too many Budweisers. On Phryday, one takes in the opera until one seeks repose as a side effect of Chateau Lafitte. Very upscale indeed, don’t you think? Now that the long weekend is here, admit it, we’ve been slacking since Thursday... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:28 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Rush in trouble again

Ultra conservative talk-radio personality Rush Limbaugh is in the news once again, and again it involves drugs. It seem he was coming back into the good-ol-USA when an inspection revealed prescription drugs with no name on them. Now, that’s illegal and we know conservatives insist on following the law. Just listen to them piss and moan about illegal immigrants and you know how serious they are about the law. At least when it comes to someone else following the law, that is. And the drug they... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:15 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, June 26, 2006

On warping thoughts

The inside out must fit the paradigm to properly exponiate the ridiculosity factor. You see, warped is not merely weird. Warped is not just strange. Warped is ridiculous with an exponent. Warped is when I walk by the TV. The show, “ The Guiding Light” is on. Lizzie (well, I think it is Lizzie) is nearing the delivery of her baby. She asks the dr. what all the stuff hooked up to her is. He replies, “that’s the fetal monitor.” I cover her response with one of my own, in a Lizzie-like voice, “why... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:44 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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