Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Wednesday, October 4, 2006

The Corn Maze Daze

Ads allure us to “come on out and experience the Giganto-Corn Maze!” That’s just what one would want to do after spending days, weeks and years negotiating buildings riddled with hallways and work cubicles, right? At my advanced age, everyday is like a Corn Maze. Me: “Dear where are my socks?” My Long Suffering Wife: “They’re in the drawer in the bathroom, like always.” Me: “Dear, where is the bathroom?” MLSW: “Down the hall, like always.” Me: “Dear, where’s the hallway?” MLSW: “#@%*<>~@##%**!”... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 2, 2006

Why do fools love the fall?

I’ve heard it all before, the vibrant colors, the crisp air but it’s all a smoke screen for what is about to come. Sure the leaves are brightly colored, they’ve just done themselves in so they won’t have to be around when the snow flies. And the crisp air? It aint crisp my friend, it is getting cold and it will get colder. Before long it will be more than crisp, it will be damn brittle. Along with the falling of the leaves, comes chores I would rather leave undone. Winterize the RV. Washing the... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The good, the bad and the mediocre.

It’s as if the punchlines are all on back order from Gag’s R Us. All the world is a joke and I can’t find a good straight man. Well, a lot of us are straight, but how good are we? Uh, huh, I thought as much. So what is the measure of a good man? I asked the Marines, but they were only looking a few good ones. Maybe we should define good as the absence of bad. That leaves a lot of room for mediocrity, now we’re talking. Because while most of us aren’t as good as we think we are, I’ll bet most of... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, September 22, 2006

I had a boob job.

No, really! “Now how could a man have a boob job?” is what I hear you asking yourself. Well, I filled out the application. It was a summer job washing cars at an Oldsmobile dealership, a job any boob could do. That was my first introduction to the world of business. You see, I like to wash my cars. I go over them carefully making sure to remove every last vestige of former bugs and road tar. Then I dry them carefully to a nice spotless shine. Well, in the world of commerce, it’s not how clean... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, September 18, 2006

It was on the Oregon Trail

A late night gas stop in Biggs Oregon (it’s not the middle of nowhere, but it does have a fine view of that location) was almost surreal. First, in Oregon there is no self service, attendants must fuel your vehicle. I think the gas-passers must have a strong union in Oregon. Anyway, as we lumbered into the station in our motorhome, we saw the attendant sitting back in a chair that was leaned back against the wall. On a chain next to him was a small long-haired dog. The attendant was probably in... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, September 9, 2006

Something punny on the farm

Don’t call me chicken! The old two-door Chevy had for many years been a fixture in our chicken yard. Then one day we noticed something strange. The chickens or someone had put some makeshift wings on the old car. Well that very night they made a break for it, flew the coupe they did. Then the cows started selling their pies, believe me, Pepperidge Farm they weren’t. Most accounts said they were downright crappy. We wanted to sell the pigs for Canadian bacon, but they wouldn’t say “eh” no matter... Sign in to see full entry.

It’s the end of the weak

Friday rolls around. Particularly if you are filthy rich and you are riding home in your Rolls Royce. Do Rolls Royces come with a jar of Grey Poupon? A car like that is said to ride as if one were floating on a cloud. Well, my ’76 GMC pickup rides like a cloud too, a thundercloud hanging over an airport near an artillery range. Not only that, you get a good view of the road slipping by your feet where the floorboards are rusted out. This truck has a feature not found on many rigs. The gas gauge... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, September 4, 2006

Indecent exposure

Is there such a thing as decent exposure? Could Janet Jackson have somehow tastefully displayed her breast to America and had us all give her a standing ovation? Indecent exposure is one of those phrases that I have decided to disassemble for my own pleasure. In Janet’s case, I think it was more a case of indecent overexposure. We really didn’t need to see any more of her to make her performance, well, different. And can we say that the four-tenths of a second that her breast was partially... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, September 3, 2006

Vote for insanity

“I am the greatest human being to ever walk the face of the earth!” Such is the condensed message of every political campaign advertisement or speech you will hear from now until November, sweet November when the rabble dies to a dull roar. I just saw an ad where the candidate herself gives her message of hope and inspiration, offering a virtual utopia compared to the surefire slide into Hell and damnation that we will experience if her opponent gets elected. The irony is, when she is done... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Them old car lot blues

We have been shopping for a new car for some time now. Close to a year in fact. One of our prime requirements is the right color. Now, to some, the color isn’t really key, but we decided that this time it was going to be “our color” or nothing at all. So we have been keeping an eye out for that color. As we cruised Spokane’s “auto row” our heads swiveled back and forth like spectators at a tennis match or someone watching Dolly Parton walk toward them. Then we spotted a blue car that sparkled... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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