Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Them old car wash blues

It was time to get the layers of crud off the car. Like an archeological dig, one could trace the history of the winter by the composition of the exposed layers. The brown one was from the big snow storm when they put tons of sand on the roads. The gray one was from the quick thaw that brought out the liquid de-icer in an attempt to clear the roads. The black and white speckled one was from the unusually warm day that had the birds out in number, their formations at times blocking out the sun... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

A politically correct sneeze, please!

I sneeze into my sleeve, just like they show on all those infomercials, only it gets a little slimy when I am wearing a T-shirt. Yuck. Not only do I sneeze into my sleeve, I also fart down my pant leg! I've been doing that for years, just don't ask about when I am wearing shorts. Double yuck. Which brings us to this thought that is thoroughly disgusting, yet undoubtedly has happened. Which would be worse in zero gravity, being constipated or having diarrhea? Don't pretend you haven't thought of... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, April 7, 2008

For no apparent reason.

I saw a penny covered with slime lying in the gutter, I panicked and screamed, “you’ll never get me you dirty copper!” See a penny, pick it up? Not when it’s lying in yuk! The sidewalks this spring are terrible, cracks run rampant. The bill from my mother’s chiropractor is killing me. I broke a mirror the other day, so I promptly broke another one, I hate uneven numbers. If you get that, don’t tell the aliens on planet X, they wear mirrors on their shoes. I don’t get that but I’m not going to... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Humor ahead of it’s time

A joke is afoot. I was complaining about how much my feet hurt the other day and my mother asked me if I had corns on the bottom of my feet. I quickly replied, “no, but I have a couple of ears on my head!” This is a true story, not even my own mother is immune from my corniness. I can’t help it, she is pretty corny in her own way. People around me are always at risk of some verbal trickery and they don’t have the advantage that my readers do. Sometimes I write something and then think, “this is... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, April 4, 2008

For sale by owner.

Oh really? In order to sell something, doesn’t one (a person or corporation) have to own it? Otherwise they couldn’t sell it, now could they? Maybe some yard sales should have a sign that reads “For sale by thief” or “For sale by fence.” Come to think of it most yard sales involve a fence in some manner. Customer: “Say, is that fence for sale?” Yard sale person: “Hey, it’s a yard sale idiot, the yard and nothing but the yard!” Customer: “But what am I going to do with a bunch of grass?” Yard... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

I shouldn’t be doing this

A “man” is pregnant and the world is agog. “How can this be” is the question on everyone’s mind, while inside their mind, they all know it has to be something to do with trans-gender. Sure enough, this woman had her breasts lopped off and did the testosterone thing, now she’s a he and taking a walk on the wild side. Can you hear the background singers? Back to the present which is not the future it once was. This person didn’t have all his, ahem, her girl parts taken out. I’m not sure why, maybe... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

When hell freezes over.

Hell: The phone rings in the Maintenance department. “Hello, this is the devil, what the hell is going on over there? Perhaps you’ve noticed, we’ve frozen over.” Maintenance: “So did you have money riding against the Cubs in the World Series?” Devil: “As a matter of fact, I do, but that’s besides the point, it appears pigs are also flying, and if you think pigeons make a mess, brother you ain’t seen nothing yet.” Maintenance: “Have you checked with the finance department? Maybe you haven’t paid... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

You know?

People always say some long-winded thing and then say, or maybe ask, “you know!?” No, I don’t know, you know. But then maybe they’re all kind of like, well, she’s all just, like, you know? Really? Like that? She’s just all? Dude! Dude? Duuuude! So, she’s all like just duuuude, you know? Whatta bitch. So I asked her, “like you wanna talk or somethin’?” And she was all just like, “its cool and stuff.” So forget her, I mean jeez, whatever. And this passes for conversation, you know? I’m so bummed,... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Rock Bottom prices

What about the nasty bugs that live under rocks, what about prices on their bottoms? I’d rather have a price on my head, but more along the lines of Minnie Pearl if you know what I mean. One thing about prices, they are always too high. A lot of people get a bang out of bargaining for a lower price, but I just get a headache. Realtor: So, what’s your budget? Me: Oh, about $25,000, nothing extravagant. (Note, this is pretty much a real example when we bought our house in 1986) Realtor: Well, we... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Someone has to know!?

If you catch a salmon and upon preparing it for a meal you find a name tag that certifies that this salmon was named Ella, is it safe to eat? If two wrongs don’t make right, what does it take to not make a left? If you are making money hand over fist but still up to your eyeballs in debt, try raising your arms. Why did the chicken cross the road? (Ok I pre-apologize, it’s late and this is bad but I’m lovin’ it) Because the road really pissed the chicken off. I sit on the end of the bed and put... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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