Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Batting practice

My real intention is to drive you batty and that does take some practice. I’ll warm up with this one. I went to an auction but I only listened, you could say I was an auction ear. Sort of. It would be terrible to be the rump roast inspector, at best you would always be getting behind in your work. Now if that isn’t slap stick, I’ll slap you with a stick, yes the one you can’t shake at things. Slipshod slapstick, now there’s a concept, an oxymoron and a redundancy all rolled into one. I wonder,... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Tough luck

A falling safe would hit the ground right next to me, the door would burst open opposite me and spew money to everyone but me. That seems to be my lot in life. Tough luck, sorta good, but not really good. I wanted to be an engineer but by the time I would have completed my schooling, all the jobs would have been filled and I would have to settle for, oh I don’t know, probably a sanitary engineer. I also wanted to play guitar in a rock band but my stubby fingers barely wrap around a pencil, much... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Barbara Walters succumbed to jungle fever

Yes, Ms. Walters will admit to Oprah that she had an affair with an African-American senator from Massachusetts, Republican Edward Brooke. I am having a difficult time deciding whether this goes in the opinion section or the humor section. I feel that Babs is free to live her life the way she chooses and my opinion wouldn’t make a Quaking Aspen sapling’s worth of difference to her, so of course I will look for the humor in the situation. One can imagine that Barb never asked Brooke the infamous... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Mothers Daze

Why can’t you make spaghetti in the washing machine? If the iron takes the wrinkles out of my clothes, won’t it do the same for the Shar-Pei’s face? Moms are good at putting out the fires of childhood, they have to be. Our neighbors had a parakeet, but we couldn’t afford one, so I just let of couple of Robins in the house. They were more than just name droppers. Why can’t I shave the cat? Dad says you shave yours! Why can’t I work on my motorcycle in the bedroom? It’s cold outside. Dad said it... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

In search of fun

It’s been a long week and I have been sick. That always makes the week longer and recovery time, well, longer too. Of course, being in a weakened state of mind leaves me open to considering posting things I might normally censor. Right now, I am too tired to concoct a long-winded story only to dump some elaborate pun on you, but that might not stop me. In fact I have such a story in the archives, if I can find it. Just a minute. Here it is! Oh, God, it’s terrible, but hey, what pun worth its... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

An oddly punishing story

It happened in the old west. You see, a horse had been elected sheriff of a small town. To make his job easier, the townspeople all got together and bought some of those new Nike horseshoes so he would be swift in the pursuit of the criminal element. Of course that’s elementary and also another story but I digress. The sheriff enlisted the aid of his friend the cow, but not the stinking badgers. You know the quote so I won’t say it. So, as Eric the blacksmith was putting the new shoes on the... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

What goes in one ear… (from 2004)

Usually rattles around a while then falls out the other. My wife had just laid out some long battle plan for the holidays and asked what I thought. So assailed by political ads and news about politics have I been that I was on ignore mode (odd, since I was watching election returns) and had to ask “what?” Her reply was the ever popular, “I don’t even know why I talk to you.” She would make a great politician. But since I don’t apparently listen, I would make a better one. Speaking of election... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Flushing golf balls

“Green” toilets may save water, but they can’t flush a dead fly. I know, I’ve tried, never mind how the fly died. Note to all flies, do not buzz a balding man’s head. Of course the results of the first low water volume flush toilets were a miserable failure. What good does it do to cut the water in half if you have to flush the damn thing three times to get the job done? I’ve heard of demonstrations where the new generation of toilets merrily flush down a bucket of golf balls. It is a convincing... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Computer information you may not know

You can buy a computer that will do your humor for you! How will you know it is that special model? Look for the 10 giggle-byte rating! Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sir Isaac Newton and his apple.

Having an apple bonk him on the noggin was a stroke of luck for Isaac Newton. He immediately came up with his theory of gravity, to whit, in his own words: “The gravity of the situation would have been much worse, had I been sitting under a bowling ball tree!” This was the mark of true genius, since bowling balls would not be invented for several hundred more years. This same happenstance also gave rise to many sayings such as, “you are the apple of my eye”, “it only takes one bad apple to spoil... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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