Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, June 2, 2008

Polly who?

Sorry, its polygamy, my bad. Welcome to Salt Lake, land of many wives, oh, excuse me, they are in Texas now? Do the Texans know about this? Well of course they do, unless they live in a cave or have no access to the media. I’ve been thinking about this and I have a few thoughts on the subject. First, why are polygamists always men with many wives? Are there any sects where a woman has many men? Probably not, although it would increase the chances of the garbage actually getting taken out. Or at... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:41 PM | add or view comments (9) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, June 1, 2008

A long strange trip

Gretchen and Garland Hill were found in their apartment, with no pulse and no respiration, apparently overcome by gas fumes. As the ambulance crew rushed them to the hospital, they came upon a traffic jam caused by a rock band making a video. The ambulance crew attempted to explain their need to get through, but were unable to make themselves heard above the performance of the band. It was at that moment, the back doors of the ambulance opened up and the dazed couple stepped into history, none... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:33 AM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, May 31, 2008

A note from beyond

Brought to you by Side Effects, the new drug that does everything but make you feel better. It has been a while since I last posted, the result of weekends of play and weeks of 12 hour days. Today was only 10 hours so that’s not so bad. Then I had to mow the lawn, not because it needed it, but I couldn’t walk around out there shirtless since the grass was tickling my armpits. Several third world countries have contacted me about buying the clippings to feed their livestock. How tall was it? NASA... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:50 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Some assembly directions required

Lines, arrows and pictures. That’s what substitutes for directions in these globally politically correct days. No longer are we subjected to the excruciating “slot B, tab A” kind of thing. We all know how esteem robbing that can be. Father: Slot A, tab A, what th….. oh no! I can feel my esteem draining from my assembly challenged ego and I’m only reading the directions. Mother: Quick dear, read the Democratic party mission statement, you’ll feel better fast. Father: Oh yes, if a Democrat is... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:59 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, May 19, 2008

Just fiddling around.

Why not fiddling a square? That’s what I want to know, and inquiring minds do too, I’ll bet. People say, “oh fiddle sticks” or something like that, but you don’t play a fiddle with sticks, you play drums with sticks and fiddles and their highbrow cousins, violins, with bows. No arrows though, which while it may be besides the point, that would be a good thing if you were the target for outrageous slings and arrows. But back to the first point, which coincidentally, is beside the point, why... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:57 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, May 15, 2008

One liners for life...

You're just another cow pie in the pasture of life! Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:12 AM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Stepladder safety from Dr. Fued4thawt.

Never use an aluminum ladder for a flotation device, no matter how inviting they look. While you can use a ladder to spread mustard on your hot dogs, it is probably best not to. Never stand on the top of a stepladder, especially if you are a female and doubly especially if you are wearing a dress and triple especially if you are going commando. Ok, here’s a thought, why, if you are not supposed to step on the top of a ladder, do they put a top on in the first place? And why is it everything you... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:24 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

What if I don’t feel like being funny?

Isn’t being funny looking enough? And I don’t even have to work hard at that, it just comes naturally. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a clown with a big-assed painted on frown trying to make people laugh. I’m more of a smart-ass trying to reduce this confusing and troubling world to terms I can deal with. But there are times when cyclones decimate entire countries, earthquakes shake another country and a volcano in South America is spewing enough crap in the air to negate global warming. There is... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:08 AM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, May 9, 2008

a re-run, but lots of fun...

A country song, Frozen Love. Thoughts of yew are always near to me. In case I got hit by a train I wanted you to have a little something so I could be more than just memories in your brain. So I went to Phil’s Sperm bank and Deli down in the holler. No longer in self-pity do I have to waller! (Chorus) Cause now you got my frozen love upon yer freezer shelf. A sterile plastic jar that’s plum full ‘o myself. Yes it’s my frozen love, ‘n you kin give me lots of thanks as you look at that little jar... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 5:42 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Try as I might

Does anyone use an outline for their blogs? Remember those old-fashioned frameworks from the olden days that writers used to hang their arguments on? They allowed logical progression and a smattering of organization. Anybody tries to organize me gets smattered, I’ll tell you that right now. Organization is highly overrated and highly despised, especially by the disorganized. I wanted to join a union, but when I found out it was for organized labor, I ran for the door. What I wanted was to be... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:36 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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