Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Mobius Dick

They call me mushmouth. I speak not that which anyman may comprehend unless they be versed in the pursuit of the great white whale of politics. Our captain paces the deck with his shotgun toting parrot on his shoulder bellowing, “thar she blows” at the Middle East in general. Meanwhile, the captains-who-would-be screech from the lower decks, “avast, we be for change! Well, not too much change, mind you, there will still be the Senate and Congress to kick around!” The captain nervously twitches... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:19 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Warped clichés.

When in Rome, that would probably be a good time to get some authentic pizza. You can lead a horse to water but if you’re not paying attention you will get your feet wet. A stitch in time saves, wait a minute, what is a stitch anyway? Darn socks. If a tree falls in the forest when no one is around, who’s running the chain saw? The early bird gets the worm, but as far as I’m concerned, he can have it. See a penny, pick it up, you’ll probably throw your back out and spend hundreds of dollars at... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:38 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, September 15, 2008

More lost moments in history – the loincloth incident

Pre-Cambrian times: We find Og and Zog on the brink of history. Zog: Og, get up. Time to rise and shine. Og: Zog, you have any idea what time it is? Zog: No, not really, time not invented yet, much less sundial. Me know it early though! Og: Oh all right, me get up. Zog: Holy crap, look who walking erect! Og: Dang! Morning wood, it go away soon. Zog: Me think you should cover that up, here, try this! Og: Look like two chamois tied together with a string. What is? Zog: Me call it loin cloth. Og:... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:30 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Cleaning house

Spider webs lurk in the corners. Dust bunnies under the bed have their own zip codes. A troop of mountain climbers complete with oxygen masks has just scaled the pile of laundry that overruns the utility room. It just might be time to clean house. If only I knew where the vacuum cleaner was. Somewhere to the left of Mount Laundry I suspect, but I have to get a passport from the King of discarded projects to even get near it. Why do we put off cleaning the house? Because it is like buying the... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 1:35 PM | add or view comments (7) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, September 11, 2008

A funny thing happened on the way to the Large Hadron Collider

No really, and it wasn’t the quark soup I had for lunch. For those who don’t have a nose for news (or a newsworthy nose for that matter) scientists are as giddy as schoolgirls on prom night and for good reason. They are about to fire up the most powerful science doo-dad since the veg-a-matic. Near Cern, Switzerland is buried a 16 mile long particle accelerator that is the most powerful one ever built. What do they expect to find? Mostly, all those lost socks and car keys! They are hoping to find... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:12 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Who’s house is this? A photoquiz.

A politician? Lawyer? Judge? Your mother-in-law? We’ve all heard about the crooked man who lived in a crooked house, well here’s proof the house exists, now if we can just get the paparazzi to snap a photo of the crooked man. A lot of effort went into constructing this. I mean, most carpenters go to extremes to get things square and plumb but here’s a job where all that was thrown to the wind. they could have saved a lot of money by hiring me to build it, all my projects come out looking like... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:06 PM | add or view comments (8) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, September 1, 2008

A funny thing happened on the way to the wedding

Nine months would seem to be enough time to plan a wedding, right? Wrong! While I know the nine months seems to be a pregnant number, that had nothing to do with it. The first weekend we saw my son and his fiancée after they had announced their engagement was the Christmas Holiday weekend and she came with a spreadsheet and an armful of bridal magazines. We know the crunch was on right then. My son had that deer-in-the-headlights look. My mother asked him, “well what did you think she would want... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:17 AM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, August 31, 2008

When is a computer not a computer?

When the ram goes kerblam! We were gone for the weekend, so the computer was turned off. When I turned it on, all I got were a few blinks and a few beeps, one of which wouldn’t stop, and then nothing. Subsequent restarts yielded the same result. I had seen this before so I called the manufacturer, my son, to confirm my suspicion that yet another memory stick had failed. Sure enough, when I pulled the oldest ram stick out, the computer came alive just like the old days, only slower. Now, I have... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:28 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

News for the clueless.

Yes, Crapload News, first with the news you can’t trust brings a new feature to these pages, “News and commentary for the clueless!?!” Today reporter Ima Blond Tew focuses on the latest turmoil involving our old arch-enemy (no not Ronald McDonald, but close) Russia. Her opinion expressed in her blog, “Are my roots showing?” is quoted mostly, but somewhat, a little bit and nearly verbatim, for the most part, here. “I don’t know why Russia would invade Georgia, it’s a downright shame if you ask... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:26 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, August 11, 2008

The age old question – why did the chicken cross the freeway?

Because most people now days are more familiar with the environs of the freeway than a doddering old road, the question has been updated. Indeed, crossing a freeway, even if you’re not a chicken is a daunting task, so for a fowl to cross the freeway, they are no chicken, trust me. And if it is the 405 at rush hour, then that chicken is a dead duck and it’s progeny are scrambled eggs. Just what would a chicken be doing on the freeway at rush hour is a mystery, maybe a crime. I suspect fowl play.... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:05 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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