Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Is being human not enough?

Oh sure, we’re the top of the food chain, the big boss, we have the biggest brains, we can alter the planet, for better or worse and even destroy it with our weapons if our brains fail us. To be human is the pinnacle of success, so why then, when we mess up, try to displace the blame by claiming, “I’m only human?” ONLY human? Didn’t we just see that being human is the best we can be? We eat with forks. We cook our food, with the exception of caviar and sushi and, well, lots of stuff, forget that... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Beware of naked birds

Or - maybe I should have my mouth washed out with feathers. We stopped alongside the road to look at wild asparagus. A herd was moving through the valley and the sound of their hooves was, well of course I’m kidding, I’m always kidding. My sister-in-law from Texas had never seen wild asparagus and these plants had gone to seed, the bright green feathery foliage was the only green on the hillside. When they came back, her 5-year old grandson had found a feather and asked me, “uncle John, what... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

More lost moments in history

I believe it was Marco Polo who first told the Chinese, “two Wongs don’t make a white!” He was immediately branded as a racist and was forced to wok the dog. Of course he had already let the dogs out and now they were freebirds, which made about as much scents as a votive candle. Of course everyone knows candles can’t vote (unless they are Florida residents, that is) so the whole argument goes up in smoke. Now secondary argument smoke has been shown to cause brain damage, much the same as... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

I just have to know...

When you cook Top Ramen and have left overs, is it Bottom Ramen? Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Moments in History that MIGHT have been

George Washington turned to a cadre of his generals and commented, “you have to admit, those red coats do look mighty snappy, but sure don’t offer much in the way of camouflage.” No, really, he could have. It could have also been George who said, “Hey, only one occupant of the boat gets to stand up at one time!” When questioned about it, he pointed out the safety label which said, “Only one boat riding guy can stand up at one time, you don’t want to drown the father of our country now, do you?”... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Sometimes you have to wonder

“Call now, our fully trained psychics are standing by.” That is the tag line from an ad for (of course) psychics. Ok, maybe I’m wrong here, but can one really be trained to be a psychic? I was under the impression clairvoyance is a “gift” and either you have it our you don’t. So just how would psychic training work? Trainer: Johnson, concentrate, can you see the future? Trainee: Uh, well I haven’t won the lottery yet, so I’m not sure. Trainer: Dig deep, think man, think! Is that your best... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

A very special Orca.

A sordid tale of a dish, a spoon, a cow, the moon, a fiddle, a cat and a little dog. Brought to you by Okra Windfree, the only Okra that won’t give you gas! It seems the cat, a graduate of Juliard’s was playing the violin, although to some less sophisticated, it is called a fiddle. It was at this point the bovine, in an extraordinary display of her leaping prowess did indeed, jump over the moon. The little dog, rather than being awestruck, found the whole thing funny and laughed heartily.... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Down home wisdom you might have missed.

Never look a gift skunk under the tail. Way worse than looking a gift horse in the mouth, don’t you think? If you lose you loofah, don’t replace it with a baby porcupine. Sure, it’s all fun and games until somebody develops adult quills. If a stitch in time saves nine, then what about nine stitches? Rolling stones may not gather moss, but they also don’t accrue interest. If you close the barn door after the horse gets out, how is it going to get back in? Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

More unreality TV

Medical dramas, the fire and brimstone of the hard working dedicated doctors and nurses spills onto the small screen with all the fury of a used car ad. Somehow, my medical experiences never match what I see on the tube. For instance on TV it is common to see a scene like this; set in a modern hospital, we see the patient wheeled in on a gurney accompanied by a flurry of medical personnel. Head Dr: We have an emergency - people, get me incubators, blood tests, X-rays, Y-rays, temporal lobe... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Why did the fish cross the road?

He obviously thought he was a chicken. In reality he was a sturgeon, high ranking in the fish world, he was the Sturgeon General. We had fish for pets for a while but they never survived playing catch the Frisbee. Maybe they didn’t like those little leashes I got for them, genuine eelskin, probably not cool in the fish world. They also liked to party all day while we were at work. How do I know that? You should see this one coming by now, why they were always tanked, that’s how I know. Cats... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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