Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Ask your doctor…

You’ve heard the ads, now ask your doctor if Levitra is right for you, I don’t care if you are a woman! Here’s the real deal, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. Patient; “Dr. is Levitra right for me?” Dr.; “Well, considering you’re having a heart transplant, no, and besides, you can’t afford it.” Patient; “You mean my insurance won’t cover it?” Dr.: (snickering) “If your policy covers ‘it’ then it isn’t much of a policy. But in your case a postage stamp would cover it. (chortling now) HMOs... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

A beastly pun

I knew it would work, an electronic Alligator. You know, one of those e-pets like the cat or the dog but just a little wilder and if you accidentally flushed it down the toilet, it would emerge none the worse for wear, send a homing signal and you could track it down, run it through a car wash and take it back home. I was going to call it Allie-Come-Home. The R&D was going well but ultimately I could not make it water proof. I prefer to think of it as e-reptile dysfunction! Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, February 25, 2011

I wonder

Was the filibuster invented by a guy named Phil? If so, what did he get busted for? Is there any way to say gubernatorial without it sounding like goober-nut-oreo? I think they should send another really last space shuttle mission to an outlying planet so newspapers everywhere can print the headline, “Shuttle headed for Uranus!” Uranus, the planet that makes us all snickering 3-year olds. Does Pluto have a moon named Goofy? What if they discovered that Saturn was losing material from its... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Them old drive thru bluez.

There I was, Cheeseburger jonesing bigger than life, one spot away from the magic speaker with the digital readout guaranteed to get my order right, assure my customer satisfaction and start me on the road to Nirvana. Or was it Pearl Jam? Apparently the little league team in the Suburban ahead was having some trouble getting their order right, judging by the time it was taking. A car full of indecisive twits in front of one always seems to happen when one is in a hurry. The same thing happens at... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Headlines and lines in my head

A second language can delay dementia it has been claimed. The added mental horsepower it takes to master two or more languages at the same time has been shown to be effective at delaying the onset of Alzheimer’s disease. If that is true, I will be spared thanks to my fluent skills at gibberish as my second language. Of course, true gibberish and its cousin, gobbledygook take years to master and indeed, to the untrained ear, don’t sound much like a language at all. I mean, how much farnweather... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Can I chip in?

A large bag of potato chips, a couch and thou. Who do I think I am? You may ask me for my thoughts and even be so generous as to offer a penny. What - do I look like I got common cents? Last night I was working on our re-model project and my wife watched HGTV the whole time. Non-stop remodeling while we were re-modeling. I tried painting the floor in the nude to get her attention but she was glued to the TV. I put super glue on her dust rag, that’ll teach her. Oh, to be sure, I know she wanted... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Never use a toaster in the shower, the bread will come out soggy!

These insipid warning are everywhere. My house key came with a three page booklet detailing how not to tie it to a kite string and then fly said kite in a lightning storm. It was the same for the kite and the string. I see that one is not supposed to use my chain saw while pregnant or nursing with a particular emphasis on using it while you are getting pregnant and while the baby is actually suckling at your breast. The warning label on the “Chain saw nursing sling” doesn’t say a thing about... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Things I am barely aware of.

Let’s talk about E.D. yes, erectile dysfunction. You know, shooting pool with a rope, when your conjunction junction just won’t function. The soldier who just won’t snap to attention and the phrase “as you were” is what we wish it weren’t. I hope no one is shocked here, after all, E.D. is “big” (heh-heh) business. We hear about it during the news, sporting events and other times when our three-year-olds are listening. Daddy, what’s ewectiwe dyf, dsycombobuwation? Well, er, you see, it’s well, I,... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

It’s dyslexia, Dummy!

That’s how I come up with humor ideas. Sometimes the things I think I hear are the craziest things ever, only to find out, what I heard is not what was said. Sort of a slip of the ear you might say. For instance, “squid-pro-quo” come to me while my wife was watching “The Good Wife” on TV and the characters were saying a lot of lawyer-ey things. I didn’t hear it as much as I thought it. And it isn’t even a lawyer term, really. I could have said that when Sonny and Cher went through their divorce,... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

An eight-legged pun

Did you hear about the octopus that was threatened with a lawsuit? It seems he couldn’t keep his tentacles to himself in the octopus work place and is being sued for sexual harassment. Of course his cousin from the deep is going to represent him, squid pro quo! Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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