Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A brief history of Santa Clause, one more time.

In the beginning there was no Santa Clause. There were only Adam and Eve and they were Jehovah’s Witnesses so there were no gifts. Soon after, they procreated, (which they did like pros, naturally) and then there were children who rebelled (yeah, I know you’re thinking rebels without a Clause - don’t get ahead of me) who had children of their own, who rebelled even more and soon there were Christians and Christmas. The wise men (forefather’s of Sam Walton) saw to it that gift giving would become... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:35 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, December 16, 2010

A musical conversation~

Billy Ray Cyrus: Miley, what are you doing, trying to break my achy heart? Miley Cyrus: Oh dad, don’t go there! I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in! BRC: Did Kenny Rogers have anything to do with that? MC: Yeah, what are you going to do about it? BRC: Cry me a river. MC: Smoke on the water. BRC: Don’t go breakin’ my heart! MC: I shed a tear. BRC: Cry cry cry? MC: It’s my party and I’ll cry if it want to! BRC: Which one of your friends gave you that stuff? MC: Jeremiah was... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:44 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Now THAT’S television

Lately, it seems TV has been reaching pretty deep into the barrel for program ideas. Have you seen “Under Cover Boss”? The setup seems pretty simple, have the head of a large corporation go to work in disguise among the “little people” and see how his, or her minions fare in the workplace. I’ll bet there are a few places where that just wouldn’t work, such as my work, where there are four of us. Not gonna happen. Then the other extreme, a mega-huge corporation where you would think the boss... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:47 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, November 19, 2010

Things to wonder about.

Who is this Craig guy, and why is he selling all his stuff? Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:19 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

How to change your own oil.

Well, lets clarify that, your vehicle’s oil. Ok, first you are going to have to get that vehicle up in the air so you can crawl, roll, wriggle or otherwise insert your frail body under something made of chrome and steel that weighs 2 tons. The preferred method of doing this is the hydraulic car hoist. Most, ok, none of us has that option so you might prefer digging a ditch just wide enough for the car to go over then line it with concrete, steps, lights and a drain system. Yes, I know, just as... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:54 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The most politically incorrect…

Are the politicians, if I hear one more political ad I’m going to scream! AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH! That didn’t take long, did it? I get excited every night when I get home and see messages on the phone. Only, it’s Pat Freakin’ Boone wanting me to vote for Dino Rossi. Dino, wasn’t he Fred Flintsone’s pet dinosaur? Ah yes, well Dino probably walked with the dinosaurs, and for sure Pat Boone did. Of course that means I’m old enough that I probably did, which if true, I can’t remember. I can’t remember... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:25 AM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Lines, lines, everywhere are lines.

Our great vacation adventure started with waiting in line at the airport to check in. Then it was the line for security. Then the line to get on the plane. I would have gone to the bathroom on the plane, but the line was too long. Actually, they don’t allow lines at the front of the plane anymore, so it was more like whack-a-mole as people in need of bladder relief kept popping up from their seats once the occupied light went out on the flying porta-pottie. Once the plane landed, we stood in... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:04 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Those golden years.

Guess what, they’re not so much golden as tarnished. Our joints get stiffer, bladders smaller and our tolerance for other people having fun vanishes. Why don’t you damn kids get those skateboards off my lawn and go hang out at the tattoo parlor with your army of pierced buddies! The other day a Ford F250 pickup pulled up next to me blaring rap music so loud that with each bass note the tires jumped off’n the ground. Dang near threw the dog off the hay bale in the back. Go figure, red-neck kids... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:50 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, August 20, 2010

As the Earth rotates

Another fine soap opera brought to you by the upstanding (and a few lying down) folks at Crapload Network where our motto is, “if it isn’t crap, it isn’t on our network.” The plotline mostly involves the characters jumping in and out of each other’s beds. They all have deep dark secrets and have been murdered or killed in a car crash on a rainy night more than once. Some have even been murdered in a car crash on a rainy night but they quickly formed amnesia and began a whole new life. Crag... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:32 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, August 2, 2010

A cold pun this way blows…

It was near Dawson City, Yukon Territory that we stumbled into what we thought would be a welcome tavern. As we sat savoring hot buttered rum and the feeling came back into our toes and fingers we slowly realized something was different about this establishment. There were lots of women in the place and it soon became obvious they did not need, nor care for the company of a man. One rough-and-tumble “lady” came over to us and challenged us to a game of pool, then informed us that if who ever... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:36 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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