Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Valentine’s decorations.

The Valentine Rose Bush is decorated with blown glass candy heart replicas, complete with snazzy phrases such as: Kiss me quick, before the Viagra wears off. Or the perennial favorite: Love me, my Herpes is in remission. Don’t forget the Hillbilly favorite: You kiss your mother with that tongue? The Valentine lights are up outside, all red, white and pink bulbs. I carefully and respectfully replaced Jesus in the lighted animated Nativity display with Cupid. He shoots real arrows that really... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Going Rogue

Or is it Commando? I once wrote a poem about going commando, it was titled, Skid Marks on the Sofa. Creepy, I’ll admit but I was also wearing a Kilt at the time, or to be more correct, only wearing a Kilt at the time. It was a cold and dark night, my nipples stood out from the sparse hair on my chest like little pink diamonds sparkling in the dark. I don’t know about you, but I am thoroughly creeped out right now. Of course, all that is a lie, especially the diamond part. That’s what I call it... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Groundhog’s day a ripoff!

Yes, just by some strange twist of universal karma (or something like that) I was considering the juxtaposition of Ground Hog’s Day, February 2 nd with March 20 th, the first day of spring. It comes out to six weeks and three days. How gullible we all have been! There will always be six weeks of winter between Ground Hog’s Day and the First Day of Spring! We’ve been ripped off by a pack of furry rodents from Punxatawny. Ok, spell check doesn’t think that is a word, but I used the Phoenician... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Men are from Mars, it’s very dusty up there.

Housecleaning, one of life’s most thankless and never ending chores is approached differently from the male and female perspectives. Men utilize a “good enough” criteria in their execution of this most heinous of tasks. We apply a thick, liberal coating of “out of sight, out of mind.” And that is as it should be. Women, on the other hand use a “clean everything even if it is out of sight, it is always on my mind” philosophy which as any man worth his chest hair knows, is just insane. I can clean... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Our shared addiction.

Oh sure, “not me” you are saying right now, but yes, you, as they used to say in the old days, dear reader. Chances are, you logged on, went to Blogit and checked your comments first. Come on, admit it, I know I did. I had to, I was going stir crazy wondering if my clever repartee, if that’s even a word, and spell check says it is, had drawn any readers, dear or not. Most of last year, I war pretty much an absentee blogger, my family life was in a turmoil as our beloved daughter-in-law lost one... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

OH! Christmas Tree!

The remaining reminder of the holiday sits listing in the living room. What once were lovely aromatic pine needles are now browning barbs taking any excuse to leave their home on the branches. Before Christmas, water was administered on a regular schedule. Now the gifts are gone one can actually get to the water pan, but who has the time or energy? Besides, it’s coming down in a few days anyway so why bother? Undoing the tree could be the undoing of many a person’s sanity. First there is the... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Some words about the F-word

THE F-word, you know how people use it to be “sensitive” or “cute” or a dumbass. No, not the f-word but “The F-word” as many women like to say, “oh I like to do it, but I don’t like to hear it.” What The F-word? Now here’s the argument, it doesn’t do a damn bit of good to use “The F-Word” unless your audience knows what the f-word really is and substitute it in their brain into your sentence (like you just did) so they can get the full meaning of that most favorite of all Anglo-Saxon... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Names for bands that just might be.

Danny and the Dipsticks, "I'm a quart low" is a blues hit. Of course, I haven’t given any thought to this other than the title, so bear with me. Bear With Me was of course the name of the popular country group from Wasilla Alaska and their hit song was “Don’t put me in your crosshairs.” It was number one with a bullet, doncha know! In the ‘50s many forgot the now defunct rockabilly band, Johnny and the Radiator Caps, with their hit of teenage love, “You’ve got me dripping for you.” It just sort... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

You know what?

I sure hope you do, because apparently, I don’t. I had all day to sit around, literally, not figuratively and I had so many humor posts thought up I could have been posting hourly, only an old memory is only as good as the post-it notes you don’t write which are therefore not stuck to the refrigerator. The refrigerator needs emptied and moved out so I can fix the water leak in the ice-maker plumbing. The rubber nipples on the plastic lines are old and stiff. I just said stiff and nipples in the... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

What is pain?

How silly can I get? We all know what pain is, it’s paying income tax! It’s when you sit in a theater with your arm around a girl for two hours, holding it just so, just so she won’t think you’re trying to get “fresh.” It’s when you have to get a tooth crowned and insurance won’t cover it. Some pain is conceptual, some is perceptual. Like when your lumbar disc herniates and pushes on the siatic nerve. Even Vicodine leaves a dull ache that never goes away and wakes you up every 15 minutes to... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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