Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, April 4, 2011

It’s a dogs’ life

The other night I was getting ready to settle in for a night of mindless television. I had my popcorn, my beer and my pants were already unbuttoned. But as I went to plop down in my favorite chair, it was occupied by Rover all curled up and snoring loudly. Darn dog, I should have known better than to get a bark-a-lounger! Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

To laugh

Why do we laugh? Because if we didn’t, the build up of indignities might cause us to explode. Which is worse, to laugh while the world is in the grip of multiple crisis or to allow one’s self to atrophy into a self-pitying quivering mass due to things beyond control? I was holding my grandson last night and talking to him. I have never really talked baby-talk to my kids, or anyone else’s kids for that matter. I do, however talk in a friendly, assuring voice that I hope is a calming influence. As... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, April 1, 2011

A great mystery of life from the April Fool

Women can find anything, but not without a lecture that goes something like this; “Well, how can you expect to find anything unless you LOOK! You have to actually use your eyes you know, carefully study what you are looking at and THINK about what you are seeing. I don’t know why it is always up to me to………..yadda, yadda, yadda”, we’ve heard it a million times already. So how can it be then, that the gender that posseses radar tuned to home in on errant socks and missing underwear can have one... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Snake Eyes.

The Bronx Zoo has lost a snake. Now New Yorkers have something else to worry about. The snake, a young Cobra has gone missing. The snake is poisonous and a known member of a juvenile gang, New Yorkers are warned not to make eye-contact. Snake gangs often have the initiation ritual that requires new recruits to escape and cause general panic. The snake most likely will seek someplace it thinks is safe until it gets hungry or thirsty. Patrons of bars and delis are asked to exercise caution.... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, March 28, 2011

My watch has too much time on its hands

Or, if it had hands that would be the case. No wait, the case is where the guts are, the time-telling part is under the crystal. Is that crystal clear? No, because they are now cheap plastic, its all scratched and stuff. So, exactly what is clockwise on a digital watch? Mine is pretty wise, it always knows what day it is. If you wear your watch on the other wrist, does it become confused? How about an ankle watch, why didn’t they ever catch on, outside of the general contortionist population,... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The origins of philosophy

Og and Zog are sitting around the campfire contemplating, well, nothing, contemplation hadn’t been invented yet. Og: Flames flicker and spark, think it be soul of wood going to heaven? Zog: That be heavy, man! Og: Beg to differ, heavy souls would fall to ground. Zog: What is meaning of life? Og: Now you’ve done it, man spend less time hunting and gathering, more time grunting and ranting. Zog: Ugh! Og: Life have no meaning, we just destined to live, laugh, love and die, not necessarily in that... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Is it writing?

Oh sure, we call it writing, but is it really the same as putting pen (or pencil) to paper? It is much more labor intensive to write down, longhand all our thoughts and impish word plays. It gives the writer more time to flesh out thoughts and think about how to put something (in my case, mostly off) that will snag the reader’s attention. Or is it maddening in its pace, the scritch scratch of a #2 pencil across college ruled paper that allows thoughts to take flight and we pause mid-sentence... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

No Harry Baals Building in Fort Wayne, Indiana

The new government center is Citizen’s Square. How dull. How drab. How reminiscent of the communist block era. Even though an on-line poll recorded 23,000 votes for the Harry Baals Center, to honor former Fort Wayne mayor, Harry Baals, city fathers in a fit of misplaced propriety rejected as politicians always do the popular vote. So far there is no word of a lawsuit from Sponge Bob Square Pants over the use of Square in the name of the new building but just wait. As revealed on Jimmy Kimmel... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The wrong stuff.

Orville and Wilbur were lucky. Not to have invented the airplane, they were fated to do that anyway. But can you imagine their plight had their family been named something else, like say, the Wrong family. I mean, they obviously had the right stuff, but the wrong name could have been a disaster and we might still be traveling from coast to coast in Oxcarts. Patent attorney: So let me get this (myterious chuckle) right, you have invented a way to take to the air like birds? Wrong bros: That's... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, March 11, 2011

No fly zone the not so serious version

Labia, no wait, Lybia, drat, that’s not it, Libya, rhymes with dubbya, doncha think? Anyways, they, (you know, them) want to establish a no-fly zone to help the rebels there trying to overthrow Mallowmar Gadoofi. As much as I’d like to see his ugly-assed face gone from the news, I don’t see how reducing the number of flies in Libya will help. Besides, they got a ton of them camels over there, their must be a kajillion flies on each camel alone. Isn’t that going to take a lot of no-pest strips?... Sign in to see full entry.

May 2025
S	M	T	W	T	F	S
27	28	29	30	1	2	3
4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17
18	19	20	21	22	23	24
25	26	27	28	29	30	31
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
Apr \| Newest \| Jun

About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

People

Headlines (What is this?)