Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Headline or punchline?

Owner of killer bear chokes to death on sex toy. No, really, its right there on MSNBC.com news! I haven’t read the story yet, but my mind is racing to conclusions too punny for words. Not that there wasn’t some sort of tragedy there, it’s just that, well, you know. So here goes, I’m going to click on the story and see what the story is. Eeeewwww! I must warn you, it’s not fit for conversation around the breakfast table while the kids are getting ready for their day. First, what kind of sex toy... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:03 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, July 4, 2011

Fireworks anyone?

The glorious time of year when the air is filled with glittering colors, myriad patterns of light and rancid sulfur smoke. They can make safe and sane fireworks, why not a less polluting variation? Admit it, it’s the bang that cranks your thang! Forget those wimpy safe and sane duds that ignite with all the ferocity of lighting an ant fart! What real A m e r i c a n s want is: off-the-chart completely insane and ludicrously unsafe fireworks, the kind that pisses off the Martians, little green... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:35 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, July 1, 2011

The bravest people in the world

Based on my experience, those riding a Chinese rocket into space have, hands down, got to be the bravest beings in existence. If Chinese rockets behave in the manner of Chinese products I have had anything to do with, the batteries would fall out two seconds after launch. At four seconds, the pilots would be confused by the instructions on their flight panel, to whit: Not to panic would first be a major consideration when attempting repair of battery fallout procedure steps to take. Re-insert... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:59 AM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Holy crap!

A crossword clue for something found in the Pope’s toilet? No, just me when I realized I hadn’t had a funny thought for 7 days. If an underling uses the Pope’s toilet, is that a Cardinal sin? If a popular 50s era comedian had somehow ascended to the Papacy, would he have been Pope Joey Bishop? And would Abbot and Costello have had some fun with that? Who’s the Pope? Bishop. No, he’s a Bishop! That’s right. Are you trying to Rook me? No, that’s chess. Again, who’s the Pope? Bishop. Alright, I’ll... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:19 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Hip Recall

I just got an e-mail regarding hip recall. How can that be? Now that I am finally hip, they want me to go back to being square? Not cool daddy-o! Just when I have figured out the right pants/belt/underwear combination to keep my khakis at that oh so fine line between exposing just enough butt-crack or suddenly dropping to my ankles, they want me to go legit? Jeeze, my underarm calluses from wearing my pants geezer high just went away, now they want me to go through that agony again? Are Larry... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:52 AM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, June 20, 2011

The longest day

Or does it just seem like it? One thing, my day is longer than most since I live so close to the Canadian Border, (my neighbor is so dumb, he thinks the Canadian Border pays rent!) thank you Foghorn Leghorn, I’ll be here all weak. What was I saying? Oh yeah, being this far north, the daylight hours are quite long, at 9:30 as I write this, it is still fairly light outside and won’t be fully dark for another hour or so. On days like this, the glow of the sunset lingers far to the north and seems... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:59 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Something you may not know.

Cockatoos, Macaws and their relatives, mostly named Polly, are often given credit for being able to talk, but I have breaking news for you! They are not talking, they are (are you ready?) Parrot phrasing! Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:41 AM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Ask Mr. Answers, volume II

Dear Mr. Answers; I was shaving the other morning wearing nothing but my underwear, as is my custom, when I accidentally picked up my wife’s digital camera. Well, before you know it, I had accidentally taken a picture of my underwear. I knew it would lead to no end of questions if she found that photo so in a fit of panic, I was trying to use my computer to delete the photo but being an old “dude” I somehow downloaded it onto the hard drive. Har Har! Where was I? Oh yeah, in an attempt to get... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:55 AM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, June 6, 2011

Dear Mr. Answers: A middle-aged man reveals the wisdom of the Universe.

Dear Mr. Answers, Recently I have noticed a tendency to misplace my car keys, do you have any suggestions that might help? Signed: Befuddled in Florida. Dear Befuddled, You’re on your own there, by the way, have you seen my car keys? The way I figure it, losing the car keys is no big deal, losing the car, that’s a problem. Same with the house keys. Dear Mr. Answers, What’s the deal with having to get up several times at night to go to the bathroom and then it’s barely anything. Do you think it’s... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 1:36 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Just because I can

What did the horse say when the rider pulled on the reins? “Whoa is me!” If the cow really did jump over the moon, she would have been udderly high! I wouldn’t want to be a carpenter, they are always so board. The carpenter who overdosed on Viagra was board stiff. Statues are usually upstanding citizens. The mellow farmer who’s tractor broke down was outstanding in his field and he was mild. Don’t worry if you don’t get it, you probably won’t have to take the cure. Do mountain men marry valley... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:44 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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