Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Its odd but it evens out.

Or maybe its even, if I even knew what odd was that is. Oddly enough, I don’t even have a clue where this is going, even if the clue was blue. My kids were too old to cash in on the Blue’s Clue’s thing but they did know where Carmen SanDiego was, somewhere in the world as I recall. What are today’s kids focusing on, Thomas, the lead base painted train made in Hong Kong? Toys are the universal experience of childhood even though they may take different forms, toys all require imagination to be... Sign in to see full entry.

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Monday, August 8, 2011

Maybe it is better to eat those paint chips

“Husbands buying paint must produce a note from their wives” is a sign on the counter of the local paint shop. Picking out a color is one of the most maddening tasks a person can endure. First, you have to pick out a color from a postage stamp sized chip chart. However, that sample is usually an ink reproduction of the real paint color and is not on a textured surface. Second, you are looking at a tiny sample. It is a well known phenomena that the color changes depending on the area of the color... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:47 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Them ol’ summertime blues

Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, or so the song goes. Ok, I don’t know where the author lived(s) but summer and easy are two things that definitely do not go together, unless you’re dating Paris Hilton. Heh, heh. Summer does bring about thoughts of the old hammock strung between two trees and a pitcher of ice cold lemonade. Before you can string up that hammock in the back yard and flop down with a tall glass of lemonade, there are things that need to be done. First, one must mow the yard... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:11 AM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Re inventing the wheel

Did anyone at your work ever say, “no need to re invent the wheel”? Re inventing is what corporations are all about. The next time you go to your favorite mass merchandiser, observe that the layout is constantly changing. Is there really a need to move the shoe area to where the menswear used to be? The menswear will go where the sporting goods were and the sporting goods will be in the potato chip aisle, which actually does make good sense. So when did re inventing the wheel really get started?... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:39 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Why not a PANIC NOW light?

CHECK ENGINE. The bane of drivers everywhere. I was driving down a busy highway when the CHECK ENGINE light popped on. “Holy crap”, was my first thought, followed by “I’m pretty sure I remembered to put the engine in.” Slowly I pulled to the side of the road, carefully looking for a spot wide enough to safely check things out. My wife looked at me askance. It took her the next 5 minutes to let go of the dashboard as I searched for the hood release lever. I released the parking brake 3 times.... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:08 AM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, July 29, 2011

Mr. Answers tackles the pricly questions of the day.

Dear Mr. Answers: Recently I sent my son to a child psychologist, have you ever been in therapy? A Schwartznegger, Kahlifornia. Dear A: Yes, I too went to a child psychologist but it didn’t do much good, you see his mother made him take his naps during my sessions. Dear Mr. Answers: I just got a Blackberry at a yard sale but it doesn’t seem to work. My wife says its just that I’m too damned old for the information age. Just exactly how old is too old for the information age? D. Cheney, Ret. Dear... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:56 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Mr. Answers questions your existence

Dear Mr. Answers: Is there an easy way to re-heat food in the microwave without it turning out like shoe leather? From Tough in Tuscaloosa. Dear Tough: Stop putting your shoes in the microwave. Dear Mr. Answers: I fear my retirement may be in jeopardy, what should I do? From: A. Trebek, Canada. Dear A: What is you got it? Dear Mr. Answers: I am an aspiring writer but lately the market is quite uncertain. Do you have any suggestions? From Reightersblok, Minot N. Dak. Dear Reightersblok: Move to... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:45 AM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Great Shopping Conspiracy Revealed.

Brain dead appearing men wander aimlessly behind their wives. Why? Deep in the air circulation system at your favorite (fill in the blank) __________Mart, Grocery Store, Superstore, Warehouse store or chain store is a secret chamber. It is in this chamber that a substance is released into the airflow. A substance that is specifically designed to affect human beings in very calculated ways. The substance is the mysterious Idiotium a colorless, odorless gas that affects the central nervous system... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:42 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Looking for work

I read through the ads and listings of jobs in the area and I think, now how would that interview go? Me – I’m here about the job for a heavy truck driver. P otential E mployer – Ok, do you have a CDL driver’s license? Me – Duh, what’s that? PE – A special license to operate a heavy truck, do you have any other qualifications? Me – Yeah, just look at this gut! Didja notice that’s actually two belts hooked together, I’m about as heavy a truck driver as you’re gonna get. Ok, perusing the ads... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 3:20 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Ponderable question

Soooo, when an Albatross does something bad, what do they hang around its neck? Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:23 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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