Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Humor

Hyoomer. When was the first joke invented? About the same time that first chicken crossed that first road would be my guess. We find our two cavemen engaged in a philosophical discussion when things take a left turn: Ogg: Why chicken cross road? Zogg: What road? Ogg: Any road. Zogg: Well, me think to see who gets to other side first, chicken or egg. Ogg: Me have to think about that. Zogg: My turn, why rooster cross road? Ogg: To be near chicken? Zogg: No, they married, not like each other so... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:32 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Writer’s block

Why don’t they make something like sun block but for writers? Oh yeah, and while you’re at it, make it writer’s Un-Block. You could just take some, rub it on your fingers and they would attack the keyboard with all the abandon of old folks at a buffet restaurant. Maybe its all the projects I have been doing of late that have stifled my writing. Maybe it is pure-assed laziness, I have been guilty of that in the past. Certainly it can’t be a lack of subjects, just look at the marathon of debates... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 2:32 PM | add or view comments (8) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, September 23, 2011

Mr. Answers goes organic

Dear Mr. Answers: I want to bake some doughnuts and bagels, what kind of flour would be best for this? Signed: Mart Ha Stewart. Dear Marty: I would suggest hole wheat! Respectfully, Mr. Answers. Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:31 AM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Things you probably shouldn’t do.

Shop for tires at a blowout sale. Buy a parachute at a half-off sale. Go on a diet that requires you to dine exclusively at all-you-can-eat buffets. Wheelchair with the bulls. Take monopoly money to a casino. Open an umbrella inside…a car. Text while you are talking on the same phone. Drink and participate in a spelling bee. Read this post with a mouthful of soda. Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:56 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Another elucidating session with Mr. Answers

Dear Mr. Answers: My cat loves to bring Wrens into the house and while I appreciate her good intentions, its getting to be a bit of a nuisance, what do you suggest I do? Featherbrained in Sheboygan Dear Featherbrained: Your cat is bringing you food, her way of repaying you for the shelter, cat box and Special Hairball Formula kibbles. The last thing you want to do is piss her off which will result in her sharpening her cute little claws on your leather furniture, chiffon drapes, antique... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:42 PM | add or view comments (7) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Modern technology going creepy - illustrated

I was watching my TV, using the DVR, of course, who has time to waste watching those commercials. When I got to the end of the show, something weird happened, so weird I got my camrea and took a photo. The caption says "unretouched photo" but I think something was touched, possibly my DVR? I know it looks odd, or creepy, but somehow I think Pablo Picasso would find it rather pleasing and if he didn't, Salvadore Dali certainly would. Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:15 AM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Painting made simple

If you see a headline like this, don’t believe it! The act of painting itself is pure simplicity, dip the brush into the paint and stroke the surface carefully. Lets back up and review what it takes to get to the paint-brush-dipping part. First, one has to pick out a color. The easiest path here is to use the original color, that way mistakes are less visible. If you decide to change the color, that is a decision fraught with peril. We recently tried no fewer that 5 sample colors and still my... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:45 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Does your car talk to you?

Most modern cars have some kind of voice system to enhance your driving experience. They will say things like, “turn left at the next intersection” or “it is time to service the engine lubrication system” and maybe even “do you have to hit every pothole?” To be fair, most of the talking these cars do is through the navigation system. Maybe I should have sprung for the deluxe model, all mine ever says is, “find the nearest convenience store and ask the clerk for directions.” I should have known... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:01 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, August 20, 2011

How paint colors get their names

Monday at the paint factory, the paint color naming committee calls their meeting to order. The chairman of the committee, Jarvis Black leads the proceedings. JB: Ok, everyone, I want you to meet the new guy Wyter Shaduv Pail. Group: Good morning Wyter! JB: Ok, Wyter, lets get right to it, what would you call this color? WSP: Well, it looks like a pretty blue to me. Group: Falls about the room laughing heartily till there are little pools of what we hope are tears all over the floor. WSP: What... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:21 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Twilight Zone – Modern Tales

Imagine if you will, a man going about his everyday activities when something goes horribly wrong, he has just stepped into the Twilight Zone. We find one Biz E. Bodi driving in heavy traffic, communications device pressed to his ear, ignoring the world around him, little does he realize what is about to happen will be so unsettling that he will never get over it. He enters the 405 freeway and is just merging with traffic when suddenly his precious Blackberry mysteriously transforms into an... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:10 PM | add or view comments (7) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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