The Flatliner Diaries

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

There Is More Than One Crime Here

A woman in Texas mailed herself two boxes full of marijuana (78 pounds) from El Paso to Amarillo. She was arrested. That was a federal crime. The fact that this stupid bitch has already or might one day have children is a crime against humanity... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Whitney Houston's Crack Attack!!!

Wasn't it bad enough that we had to watch a talented a beautiful woman degrade and abuse herself with a chemical addiction? Her continued relationship with Bobby Brown and drugs were a papparazzi extravaganza, almost as if they were trying to sell us on the joys of crack addiction. But now, after... Sign in to see full entry.

Calf Born With Two Faces

One of the rarest natural occurrences came to pass this week in Rural Retreat, Virginia, with the birth of a calf with two faces. Although the parentage of the calf isn't exactly known, DNA samples from local politicians are being taken. Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

I Wish To Thank Time Magazine For Awarding Me 'Person Of The Year'

Oh, haven't you heard? I won Time Magazine's Person Of The Year. I sure did. In fact, I wasn't the only winner. Time Magazine saw fit to bestow the prestigious award upon any and all who have contributed to the growth of the internet. Time's next issue will be released Monday and the cover will have... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 9, 2006

Oxymoron: Southern Cold

Atlanta has been having a run of extremely cold nights and some days that aren't getting higher than forty degrees. After a couple days of this, with the temperature at night dipping into the teens and the wind chill factor putting the temperature at nearly zero, one morning disc jockey, after... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, December 3, 2006

How To Get Through Christmas -- The Official Manual

Christmas for many is a tortured pain in the ass, with nothing to celebrate (except the holiday or holidays -- there are more than just Christmas during this period), nothing to do (except suffer the relatives), and even nothing to watch on television (Christmas is a big movie rental holiday). After... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, November 24, 2006

What Is This Combining Name Thing That's Caught On?

I could be wrong, but I think it began with Bennifer, that combined name they gave to the Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez relationship. It was trendy and androgynous and, well, downright strange and dehumanizing. And like an Orwellian twist of doublespeak, it stuck and became common. To make things... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Dane Cook Is Not Funny

I have seen Dane Cook in interviews. I have seen him on talk shows. I've seen a couple of his taped stand-up routines. And... why the hell would anyone go see him or buy one of his albums? I mean, am I just not getting it? Is there a key to his style of humor that I'm not picking up on? Hell, when... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, November 4, 2006

A Naked Guy Being Charged With Carrying A Concealed Weapon?

It seems that a recent parolee was enjoying himself digitally, buck naked and on his back, beside a nature trail in El Cerrito, California, when local police showed up to arrest him. When asked if had any weapons on him (you'd think, "Duh -- what a dumbass question, but...), the guy told them he had... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Gotta Love The Things Kids Say

I tutor a little. It helps pay the bills. It also keeps me in touch with the pulse of a younger generation. And that younger generation can be downright hilarious at times. Take for instance my ten-year-old tutee, who was describing a Saturday forum he attends where he is prompted to learn math,... Sign in to see full entry.

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