Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Trading faces!

Welcome to America’s newest craze in the remodeling madness. Take a complete amateur, turn them loose then sit back and wait for the fun to begin! Ok, let’s take this to the next level, our host Paige Whatshername will explain, take it away Paige! “Hi remodeling fans everywhere, and welcome to a new era in remodeling. In this show we will take two friends and let them perform a complete makeover on each other including plastic surgery. They will be assisted by our guest advisers, Maralyn Manson... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, August 8, 2004

Trading Amazes!

You’ve seen it in TV. Two people trade houses for a couple of days and perform a room “makeover” transforming some drab room into a truly gawdawful garish place not even the cat will enter. Imagine, if you will, that I have been retained as a designer. The moment draws near when couple “A” (let’s call them the Fussbudgets ) is led blindfolded into their new family room. As the blindfolds fall, their jaws fall even faster, not to be outdone by their bulging eyes and looks of total satisfaction... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, August 7, 2004

Warp 17.2357 Mr. Sulu.

Just exactly what is a warped thought? Take a twisted thought and screw with it until it cries uncle! Like this, picture captain Picard sitting on the vacu-john on deck 7, thinking to himself “Hmm, at this speed in this quadrant, I really am going where no man has gone before!” Or maybe Scotty down in engineering wondering, “I wonder, can you use dylethium crystals as suppositories?” Perhaps captain James Tiberius Kirk contemplating, “Geez, if I have to endure another episode without seat belts,... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Miracles for hire.

What if I told you I had a product that would grow hair on bowling balls? You would think (and rightly so) that I was crazy. What if you wanted hair so bad, you bought some of my elixir. I, then, would think you were crazy but I would take (and rightly so) your money. Six months later you would accost me on the street (and rightly so) demanding a refund since my product grew not one hair on your head. Then I would proclaim smugly (and rightly so) that of course it can’t grow hair on the human... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Shame Hopping Network.

Confused? Don’t be, come with me as I explore the intricacies of the “Home Shopping from the comfort of your TV craze!” Marvel at the enthusiasm the announcers have for the most mundane items. Fifteen minutes on adhesive tape. “Just look how it sticks to stuff! But wait! Stuff also sticks to it, now you can’t beat that and look, if you stick it to itself it will never come apart! Now that’s so different from everything else we sell here!” If you had every kitchen gadget they sell, Martha Stewart... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Disgusting thoughts.

Inspired by the Buxom Wench. This involves #2 so if you’re squeamish or humor impaired, go to the political section. First, this is not my idea, but at the time, (several hours later at a bar) it seemed hilarious and I had forgotten all about it until I was reading BW’s blog. The setup is simple. Museums around the country are full of mementos of famous people. There is one glaring area that to my knowledge has not been filled. Forget false teeth, wigs, underwear or furniture, I’m talking about... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Time slides by, obliquely.

Time does not exist! Bet you weren’t aware of that. Time, it seems is merely an illusion created when we slip from one plane of existence to the other. Our lives, it is claimed are all laid out, sort of like pancakes stacked up. At any given moment we are aware of many planes of existence, that is how to explain memory. Also all moments of you life, past and future all co-exist including paths one may have taken or not taken, especially at graduation time. So some high-foreheads claim.... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Free Gas?

Clear Channel Radio is giving away free gas for life. No, it is not a lifetime supply of re-fried beans. Who could pass up such a deal? I signed up to enter and upon reading the “fine print” I discovered they may reveal your information (e-mail address) to companies that offer products that may be of interest. I’m pretty sure I checked that I did not want my info “shared” and merrily went on my way. My Spams were running 10-15 a day. Suddenly this blossomed to an irritating 50 or so. Thanks... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, June 18, 2004

Warped World.

“Detach checks from printer before distributing” is an actual reminder in my wife’s accounting program. Oh really? “Geez, miz bean counter, isn’t that a rather large box for a paycheck?” (paycheque for some bloggers) “Well, yes it is trainee, but you see, I forgot to remove the printer so take it or leave it!” I’m surprised it doesn’t warn not to use the printer in the shower. To be politically correct, I suppose that warning is for those who are unable to remove yellow watery human waste from... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, June 14, 2004

How do thoughts get warped?

“Warp 9, Mr. Sulu.” “But Scotty says the engines ‘canna take no more’, geez, we might blow a rod or whatever those things have.” “Delythium crystals, Mr. Sulu, the proper phrase is we might blow some chunks, now just step on it for Christ’s sake!” “ Captain, take it easy on the expletives and offhanded references to the diety!” “Uhura, mind your screen, and if that skirt gets any shorter, you will have to get two haircuts, if you get my drift. Meet me in my quarters later, I’ll explain in... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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