Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Friday, January 28, 2005

Boy Scouts and the FBI.

Boy Scouts under the scrutiny of the FBI? What exactly did the Boy Scouts do to deserve a visit from Big Brother? Were they planning on extracting an oath of Christianity from members thus violating the separation of Church and anything else? No, it runs much deeper than that. Were they bent on taking over some poor Southern county and forming their own country? More dastardly than that was their alleged deed. Were they going to merge with the Young Republicans and forge an alliance that would... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

A re-post, because I like you all so darn much!

Cattle flatulation…could it save our nation? Methane gas, the end result of mammalian digestion could turn into a source of cheap, readily available energy, according to Craplaod News. The development of portable collection devices may just usher in the age of Methane. These are under development at Crackpot Univeristy located in a van, somewhere near Luchenbach, Texas. According to middle eastern biologist I-binpullinmyhairout, each cow would be fitted with the Individual-Flatulence... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Coming this fall!

Crapload TV (our mission statement: taste is overrated) offers a new program that copies other popular programs on other networks. So take solace in the fact you will only have to hear this ad every six minutes until December 20 th. It’s the Odd Couple for the present day. It’s the Three’s Company of the oughts. Yes meet Muffy and Spike, two lesbians who finally show their commitment to each other as life partners when they move into an apartment together. Muffy is an obsessive-compulsive neat... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Thinking on a perpendicular plane.

True inspiration is never appreciated. I work in R&D. It is our job to research and develop. Part of our mission is to think outside of the box. It was just that inspiration that allowed me to develop a new breakfast cereal (which was in truth our old cereal) and put it in a package that would distinguish it from the competition. What I came up with was a standard cardboard box, but then I put the product in a clear plastic wrap so the cereal was visible to the consumer. Not only that, it was... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Quick Batman, to the Warpmobile!

The S.S. Enterprise drifts silently through space. Most days on the mighty ship are spent this way, hour after hour of sheer boredom as the crew searches for evil fog banks and malevolent Q-tips bent on taking over the universe. Page 37 of the owner’s manual states specifically that the transporter beam is not to be used as an amusement device and particularly forbids the crew from whisking unsuspecting beings from other worlds onto the ship as a cosmic practical joke. As with all regulations,... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Aliens have landed.

Yes, it’s true, people from another planet have arrived on Earth. The skeptic in you is skeptical I see. What if I told you they were invisible? They’re here, you just can’t see them. Ok, they’re not actually invisible invisible, it’s just that they’re so small you can’t see them with the naked eye. The entire fleet, bent on populating a new planet just flew up your nose, so there Mr. or Mrs. skeptic. Oh my, they’ve just become mired down in your mucous membrane and are they pissed! Especially... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, January 7, 2005

I hate it when that happens.

This afternoon a world class pun came into my head. It was great, or as puns go, bad. Now that I am at home in front of the computer, I can’t remember what it even was. So in lieu of that I will now present this verse that I had the audacity to put on a birthday card for my Grandmother on her 90 th birthday. As usually happens at these milestones in ones life, some time is spent reflecting on the achievements of mankind that have transpired in the intervening years. We usually awe at the... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, January 6, 2005

Humor me for free.

How often does something just crack you up? Wham – right out o the blue something strikes you as funny and you blurt out a HAR or whatever it is you blurt out. People look at you and you realize they don’t understand. Somehow that makes it all the funnier and a second chortle breaks out. The other night my wife had gone to bed early so I was watching Who’s Line Is It Anyway? The first outburst of laughter was loud and raucous till I realized she was trying to sleep. After that I could contain... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, January 5, 2005

Indiana Joans and the temple of dumb.

Noted anthropologist offers a note of apology. “ We were sure the clues on the back of the book of matches from ‘Klub Pussy Kat’ indicated the location of the continent of Atlantis” commented the female twin archaeologists, “it was only after millions of dollars in research and many harrowing adventures that we discovered ‘Klub Pussy Kat’ was in Atlantic city, just feet off the bored walk.” They then offered another apology “sorry” and vowed to return to the study of arcs the next time they saw... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, January 3, 2005

Valentine’s decorations. Not just re-run but lovingly re-done.

At last the Valentine Rose Bush is decorated with blown glass candy heart replicas complete with snazzy phrases such as: Kiss me quick, before the Viagra wears off. Or the perennial favorite: Love me, my Herpes is in remission. Don’t forget the Hillbilly favorite: You kiss your mother with that tongue? The Valentine lights are up outside, all red, white and pink bulbs. I carefully and respectfully replaced Jesus in the lighted animated Nativity display with Cupid. He shoots real arrows that... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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