Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, June 6, 2005

New roller coasters require clean undies.

It could be the voice of Rod Serling, “imagine, if you will, a roller coaster that accelerates so fast and goes so high you will have to scrape your shorts when it is all over.” Imagine if you will that I am not kidding, at least not very much. Our local paper The Spokesman Review carried an Associated Press story by Mike Schneider and Rebecca Santana that focused on some of the new rides theme parks are offering this year. The star attraction can be found in New Jersey. (hint, just like the... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, May 1, 2005

The invention of Pot smoking.

At one time, the practice of inhaling smoke from burning herbs was not known to mankind. How did this discovery take place? Let me take you back to cave person times and visit with Cro and Magnon as they set about clearing a field to plant some corn. “Magnon, what this plant? Me not see anything like it before?” “Me not know too, Cro, smell funny, flowers all sticky, but we burn like chief says.” They set about burning the field full of pointy leafed plants with sticky thistle like flowers. The... Sign in to see full entry.

Re-posted, justbecause........I.....can.

The Q-tip wars, part III. The scene: The bridge of the Starship Enterprise, we see Captain James Tiberius Kirk sitting in his big-assed chair hanging on for dear life as the ship bounces like a 78 Vega driving over the potholes that pass for streets in Spokane Washington. Kirk: “Dang, I wish we had seatbelts in this crazy thing, every time I say ‘I just got back from Nebulon 7 and boy are my arms tired’ no one understands.” Spock: Why don’t you just try sanding here like I do?” Kirk, between... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Did he say Panda Porn?

It is a dark world we live in. Some days nothing seems funny. Unless you work in a zoo and your job is to get Pandas to mate. Unlike rabbits, Pandas only come into “season” once a year. At that the window of opportunity is three days. After that another year of headaches for Mrs. Panda and Mr. Panda has to send out for more KY jelly. So the keepers have to get Mr. Panda in the mood so he will be ready when she is. Zookeeper to video store clerk: “Say, got any Panda Porn?” Clerk: “Um, have you... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 9, 2005

A new Bruce Willies movie.

Yes it is Bruce at his violent best taking on the underworld, the overworld, Wally World and the world of fast food. Some may think he is a mild mannered drive up window attendant at a popular fast food restaurant but Bruce knows criminals have to eat too and most are too stupid to cook for themselves so he is ready when they drive up to his restaurant. Roger Egglebert says, “from the first bag of fries to the final scene with a Mafia Boss being run through the milk shake machine, you’ll find... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, March 5, 2005

Did you hear the one?

A priest, a nun and a camel walk into a bar. Which is ridiculous because bars are usually fairly large buildings and as such are easy to see, thus one should never walk into one. They stand there rubbing their noses when the nun says, “Gee, I’m kinda thirsty.” To which the camel replies, “Wanna hump?” Instantly the priest assesses them 40 Hail Mary’s each and as they start to serve their penance suddenly it starts hailing hail stones that bear a striking resemblance to the blessed virgin. Just... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, March 4, 2005

I had some thoughts.

I left them laying around in the sun and they got warped. Why are they called fire engines? After all, they don’t start fires, they usually fight fires, so why aren’t they called fire suppression engines? Why do firemen wear bright yellow suspenders? To keep their bright yellow pants up. If firemen make jokes about what they do with their hoses, what do firewomen joke about? The firemen’s short hoses, of course. We had a stock watering tank on our farm. It didn’t look like an Army tank at all.... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 2, 2005

Mad science.

Dr. Bovine A. Bullcow of the Crapload Institute for the criminally inane has just announced a new line of study. No, it’s not the line into the cafeteria but close. No it’s not the proctology self study course, butt close. It’s the Angry Bovine Management course, of course. With Mad Cow disease being all the rage, the good Dr. decided to cash in on this latest cash cow. The first day’s lecture titled: How to tell whether your bovine is angry or just being surly is a fascinating introduction into... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, March 1, 2005

Social insecurity.

There has been a lot of blabber about Social Security lately. All my life I have looked forward to retirement, now I have one more year to look forward to it, at least. I like the idea of a guaranteed retirement fund. If we let people invest it themselves, won’t we have to have some kind of safety net for the people that piss it away of make bad investments? I personally feel it should be slowly changed to where you can get all the money you contributed. The Gov’t could use it as a loan or treat... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Academy Award anyone?

Why does it matter to us who is the best actor in a foreign film set in a foreign country directed by a Canadian not named Guy La Fleur? There are so many freaking categories it is hard to go to the awards and not take home some hardware. For instance The most gratuitous use of a flatulence sound effect in a serious movie starring people who’s names begin only with the letter W. Let’s not forget Dennis Miller presenting the Award for the most obscure reference to the Pope in an Australian film.... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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