Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Life’s mysteries explained.

Who’s the guy with the Louisville Slugger? Batman. And the guy in the bird suit? Robin, of course. Biff. Bam. Pow. Sock! If all the clues point to words that have to do with violence, anger and general nastiness, then you must be working a cross word puzzle. It was one of those days, you know, like my cat box runneth over. To top it off, on the way out of the garage I ranneth over the cat box. That’s a shitty way to treat new tires. Didn’t help the cat either. Today in California there wasn’t a... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Road test: Starship Enterprise.

The biggest baddest starship in all of Starfleet and we talked the Federation into loaning her to us for a weekend test drive. Yes, for the first time Vehicle and Driver gets its test staff aboard this baby and puts it through its paces. The first thing we notice is there is no gangplank or any other way of getting aboard this beast. One must subject oneself to the transporter device. While these are generally trouble free, they can behave erratically, like the time the two-headed ambassadoress... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

The blog to read today.

Humor. Some say it’s funny. Seriously, it’s one of the hardest things to write. What if I don’t feel funny? Let’s see, I’ll just stick my hand down my pants and….oh, that does feel funny. Since there seems to be a general lack of funny things, I will have to turn to that inexhaustible source of goofiness, the daily news. I see that Californians want their marijuana to be certified as organic. After all, who wants to toke Mary J tainted with pesticides? Shouldn't the dioxins in the smoke should... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Valentine’s Day, a Curse.

Cupid draws a bead on an unsuspecting heart, twang, his arrow flies straight to it’s mark and another poor sap is condemned to a life of marriage, lured by the false promise of romance. Oh sure, everything is fine at first, all lovey-dovey and lots of tender moments and lots of sex. Then children come along and ruin the whole thing. Not that you notice at first because children take a hell of a lot of your time. Children take all of your time. Finally they all have left the nest and things are... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Warp seventy-eleven, Mr. Sulu.

Once again the crew of the Starship Enterprise are careening around space, mostly for no apparent reason, where no man has gone before. The ship is slow to the controls and wobbles uncertainly after course correction maneuvers. The holding tanks are full and the crew must find an intergalactic rest stop with a dump station, not an easy thing to do where no man has gone before but many have gone frequently. We turn our attention now to the bridge over troubled waters….. “Mr. Suluhaveyou……laid in... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, February 8, 2005

Groundhog’s day a ripoff!

Yes, just by some strange twist of universal karma (or something like that) I was considering the juxtaposition of Ground Hog’s Day, February 2 nd with March 20 th, the first day of spring. It comes out to six weeks and three days. How gullible we all have been! There will always be six weeks of winter between Ground Hog’s Day and the First Day of Spring! We’ve been ripped off by a pack of furry rodents from Punxatawny. Ok, spell check doesn’t think that is a word, but I used the Phoenician... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, February 6, 2005

How to tell if you live in a really crappy country.

First clue: Big, I mean really, really big pictures of the leader are everywhere, on the ends of buildings, billboards and they have jingoistic slogans such as “Kim Jong Il rules, baby!” slathered all over the place. Second clue: When the armed forces march they have an exaggerated arm swing, goose step or both in syncopation. Have you ever known a goose-stepping army to have won anything except the disdain of the countries they invaded? The Army that walks like idiots are idiots. Third clue:... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, February 4, 2005

It’s a warped world after all….

I went to buy glasses but the clerk was a Boa Constrictor which I thought odd until I remembered he was a see serpent. He gave me a good sale price but then tried to wiggle out of it. He wanted to shake hands to seal the deal but mine were the only ones shaking. So I went across the street to the ear doctor but he told me I only had six months to live. “How can that be?” I wanted to know. “Well” he said, “you already have hearing aids.” I thought I heard Rodney Dangerfield laughing somewhere on... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, February 1, 2005

Checking the spee-mail.

I see in tonight’s Spam I have won a 42” plasma TV and at least two ipods. You know, I don’t even remember entering those contests. I have been pre-approved to be re-grooved and a Christian debt solution is at hand, brother. I can have a fuller head of hair and radiation proof underwear, shoelaces guaranteed not to knot and if my manhood is little I can get a lot. Drugs, lots of drugs, any drugs you want, no prescription needed or necessary even. Underarm hair straighteners, laser nose hair... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

A long time ago…

Maybe not be so long ago to some of us. “Where did you put your car keys?” “I don’t know.” “But you just had them this morning.” “Yeah, but that was a long time ago and I think far, far away.” “No, it was 11:30.” “Like I said, a loooooooooong time ago, what time is it now?” “Two minutes after 12:00” “Uh, huh, see, a really, really, really llllllooooooooooooooooooooooong time ago.” “What’s that in your hand?” “A sandwich, I thought you knew what those were.” “No, your other hand.” “Huh, er, well,... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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