Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Saturday, January 1, 2005

NYSOS

That’s right, new year, same old shit. I hate to rain on your parade and hate to rain on mine even worse but despite all the wishes of “happy new year” time marches on. My arthritis is still “itising” and I fear at the rate it progressed this year I will be whipping around my favorite mega-mart in an electric cart all too soon. You’ll know me, the old fart throwing his battery powered mode of transport into a four wheel drift as I turn down the candy aisle. I still have to take my high-blood... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:42 AM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, December 30, 2004

OH! Christmas Tree!

The remaining reminder of the holiday sits listing in the living room. What once were lovely aromatic pine needles are now browning barbs taking any excuse to leave their home on the branches. Before Christmas, water was administered on a regular schedule. Now the gifts are gone one can actually get to the water pan, but who has the time or energy? Besides, it’s coming down in a few days anyway so why bother? Undoing the tree could be the undoing of many a person’s sanity. First there is the... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:34 AM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Blogging Daze.

The holly daze are over. Blogs need updating but what to write? I chose to update my humor blog but at this moment, nothing is really funny to me. Last Wednesday I had an appointment to have my teeth cleaned and a temporary filling replaced. Two days before the appointment I broke a tooth eating holiday Chex mix. Now I am told that tooth will have to have a root canal and crown. They repaired two other cavities and I still have my temporary filling. My Christmas bonus will go directly to another... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:55 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, December 24, 2004

The inevitable happens.

A Christmas song is stuck in my head on endless repeat. I long for It’s a Small World After All but not even that confounded ditty can erase what is rattling around in my cranium now. For a day and a half I have seem Mommy kissing Santa Clause. There have been dark times when she was doing other things to Santa Clause. And not just underneath his beard so snowy-white. Oh, yes, I am a sick puppy. Twisted lyrics pound through my head devastating my peace of mind like Genghis Kahn on a maurading... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 3:39 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, December 18, 2004

A new game.

Heard about the Cox-Ucher wedding? Maybe the Papp-Schmeer nuptuials? Probably not, but now you can spend endless hours making up your own un-seeming matches. Scour your local paper, there may be actual weddings that could tickle a funny bone. Maybe the Blowe-Jobb blowout. Grab a phone book and start looking. They have to be real names is the only catch. Of course if you live in a community like mine where the phone directory can be printed on a matchbook, it may not be much fun. So the next time... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:33 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Warp factor 1225.

“Mr. Sulu, what are our present course co-ordinates?” “Keptin, may I suggest a red and green cardigan pull-over sweater with some cuffless Khaki slacks topped off by some patent leather brown penny-loafers!” “Snappy as that sounds, what I really meant is, where the hell are we?” “Oh, yeah, that, well Keptin we are approaching Ert.” “You mean Earth?” “Yes Keptin, Ert, ees zactly vat I sed, you got hearing problems?” “Where is our port of call this time?” “I believe Jim we are putting in at the... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 1:52 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Where have I been?

It’s too close…..Christmas bearing down….Santas everywhere… all I hear….Silver Bells, Silver Bells….then I rush home with my treasures. There are halls to deck….mistle toe to missile…..right now I am working in a cold case file of Bud Light so I can write “Season’s Greetings” with yellow snow. The comma’s the bitch, can’t forget to dot the I. I have no Christmas Spirit. I have had a severe cold. My nose ran so much I wanted to have it amputated but then how would my glasses stay up? I haven’t... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:10 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, December 13, 2004

Looking for signs of intelligent life.

I have learned a few things over the years. Mostly things one would think a person should not have to learn but apparently I am of an adventurous nature. Before you scoff and say to yourself, “ok, now old F4T is going to make up some unbelievable story just to make me chuckle” be aware, these are all true stories except one. See if you can spot the spoof from the proof. Winter is my least favorite season. The birds, leaves and everything vanishes and all that’s left is a bunch of frozen crap. It... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:06 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, December 10, 2004

Christmas decorating tips.

Planning of wrapping your house with enough lights that it can be seen from space? There are a few things you should know. If you’re like me, you have a collection of light strings and no two take the same wattage, voltage or amperage of bulbs. I have invented a method to help sort out this syndrome. When you get a new string of lights, cut out the part of the box that gives the bulb information and identifies the lights. Put that, along with the spare fuses and lights they give you in a zip... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:00 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, December 9, 2004

Hi kids, Beefalo Robert here.

Are you all ready up in the Cashew gallery? Don’t worry if you don’t get it, you’re just too young to remember and I, sadly, am too old to remember. Before reality TV and the CSI craze, way back along time ago, just after light was invented, kids shows ruled the airwaves. Every local station had a singing cowboy, tap-dancing sea captain or something that would appeal to kids. Gradually the locals faded away until all that were left were Mr. Rogers and Captain Kangaroo. I have heard that Bob... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:48 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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