Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Re-edited just for you

It is fall here, and the leaves are autumning. Or is it autumn here and the leaves are falling? It was a strange cloudy windy warm day so I decided to mow the lawn. It was nip and tuck whether I was keeping ahead of the onslaught of the leaves but I thought I was winning until I went inside to get a drink. When I came back out, the mower had disappeared, but there was this strange pile of leaves making a noise like a Briggs and Stratton 3 horse power vertical shaft engine. Fall colors and fart... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Re-written from last year...

Halloween in the old days. I remember trick-or-treating, particularly the year I don’t remember much about it. You see, we lived out in the country amid what would now be called persons of alternate lifestyles but in our day we called them Hippies. They were a friendly enough bunch, always smiling although sometimes it was as if they didn’t even see me, their eyes seemed somewhat glazed for some reason. Conversations with them were rough because they were always forgetting what they were saying... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, October 28, 2005

A blast from the past...

Bridging the attention span gap. But I digress. There you have it, no B.S. Right up front you know that this will be one of those blogs that leaves you scratching someone else’s head. I will allow the train of thought to thoroughly de-rail and carom around like a ping pong ball. Speaking of which, have you noticed the sit-com 2 ½ Men has a line that has something to do with balls every week? Charlie has sort of a sheen about him in that show. Now we learn the Bush administration didn’t have a... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Our weird language.

I before E may be a rule but some words are just weird. You know? I use a product called TheraGesic for my arthritis, it works somewhat but I reek to high heaven of a smell reminiscent of Ben Gay on steroids. Speaking of reeking, has anyone ever smelled to low heaven? I before E except after C but the Deity can have it however they want. The other day my mother chastised me for speeding. “You’re going to beat the band” was her observation. Well really, the band hadn’t done anything that would... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

The view

We were watching Radio Control Car races today and a young man was standing just to the side of my wife. I noticed immediately that his pants were at least 2/3 of the way down his cheeks affording a nice view of his navy blue boxers. Ok, I am somewhat old, but not of the belt up in the armpits age. Still, this “style” mystifies me. It could also get a person in trouble. I had to summon all the self control at my command to keep from yanking his half-mast britches to the ankle position and... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

A drink recipe for Bloggers.

It’s called The Slippery Nipple. Really! You will need Butterscotch Schnapps and Irish Cream. Take one shot of each into a glass and either savor the flavor or do them as a shooter. MMMmmmm, MMMmmmm and it’s not Campbell’s mama. All right, try that again this time over ice and just sip. So smoooooth and somewhat slippery, I might add. Let’s see, did I do that right? Better try again. Yeah, that’s just right. Now, I might add a word of caution, these babies are so smooth they can sneak up on you... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Johnny Depp thoughts.

It must have been confusing on the set of Edward Scissorhands. Confusing because they had to start the scenes with “cut!” And what of Edward’s less fortunate brother Phil Pie Plate Hands? Hollywood is set to make a movie about Phil starring (who else) Johnny Depp. The plot is Phil Pie Plate Hands gets captured by some fierce pirates who mean him no good. Our hero soon has the scalawags eating out of his hands, don’t you know. When he finally returns to his unbelievably good looking fiancée she... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Star Warp

A great graceful white spacecraft travels silently through space unaware of the funny looking craft skulking along in its wake, a ship that looks like a Frisbee with a couple of firecrackers duct taped to it. Yoda: “So, Mr. spacecraft driver, where now we are? There are we yet?” C3PO: “I am hardly a mister, Master Yoda and I haven’t a clue. I mean have you ever tried folding a map of outer space? It’s really really big you know.” Darth Vader: “Hiss……Suuuck……Hisss……..Sssuuuuuuccckkk.” C3PO: “Some... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Life at the speed of warp.

Q – Why are there no dog pirates? A – No one takes them seriously when they say “Arrrrrgggg”, without the matey its nothing. Are you ready for Brewer and Shipley’s new re-release of their re-worded, re-mastered hit of yesteryear? You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Oh, all right then keep your ears cocked (please, not the other way around because that sounds impossible and painful) for “One Zoloft over the line.” Sittin’ downtown at a railway station one Zoloft over the line, SWEET... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Why warp a thought?

The point of a post in the humor category is to make someone laugh. Or so I have always thought. Now you can tell jokes that everyone knows but that is not writing. If that is what you want I enjoy it, I even see one or two I don’t know. My purpose in calling this string of nonsense blogs warped thoughts was to cover for my stream of thought technique that usually leaves readers fearing for my sanity. Fear not, it is all a clever construct to make you fear for my sanity. It is a difficult thing... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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