Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Ruining TV commercials.

Do you talk back to the commercials? Come on, I know you do, we all do, even my wife the beancounter. Take the Ricola ads for example. After the pitch a guy sings out the name of the cough drops, “Riiiiiiccoooooollllaaaaa!” I will now ruin this jingle forever for you if you read on. It has always sounded to me like one could also sing, “Eeeeeeeccoooooollliiiiiiiiii!” See what I mean? And when a “new and improved” product is what they are pushing I always ask the announcer, “well, if it’s new,... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

What have I done?

While wood cutting, my oldest son offhandedly remarked, “you know, this wood cutting reminds me of that T.V. show.” I was cold and miserable, barely paying attention so he hooked me. I replied as I threw the rough pieces of wood into the bed of the pickup, “what T.V. show is that? I have never seen anyone cut firewood on T.V.” His smirk grew to a broad grin and I knew I had been had. He answered, “you know, Knots Landing!” It was a perfectly horrible pun, a real groaner. I was so proud. It’s all... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Attention news buffs

This just in, news buff watches news in the nude, dude judged as lewd. A man from Dense Forest, New Jersey was recently brought before a judge on charges of lewd conduct. He was observed watching the evening news in the nude. In laying out the charges, prosecutor Hedun Good spelled out the specificity of the violation. Neighbors had noticed the man eating supper naked in front of the TV. They at first were content to ignore him until he ate some food he had dropped in his lap. One of the... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Did you see THAT?

Hailed by some as an amazing display of hypnotic technique, a hypnotist recently put the New York Philharmonic Orchestra into a trance where they would be able to play music without reading the score. To prove his point, he had each member of the orchestra place a brown paper grocery bag over their heads while they played “The 1812 Overture.” The critics were all agog but I found it just another mindless display of sacks and violins on T.V. Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Mnemonic Devices.

How to remember it’s time to neuter the cat and other erratica. Mnemonic devices are not some medieval torture applied when you forget things. No, these are little tricks to help you remember things. Most common is the cliché of tying a string around your finger. Doesn’t work for me, I forgot where the string was. Then I forgot how to tie a knot, which is of course, not funny. So to remind myself there is something I need to remember, (right now it is to check the woodstove which is running wide... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Warp this way.

Space, the final dark frontier. But what is it? I just read an article in the December Discover magazine that says this “the universe contains 75 percent dark energy and 21 percent dark matter. Ordinary matter makes up just 4 percent of the total, and only about one-tenth of that – 0.4 percent – accounts for everything we see in the night sky.” So with all we know about the cosmos, we only know about 0.4 percent and that tiny sample is what we are making all these grand assumptions from? To top... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, November 9, 2005

Is it Halloween yet?

My costume was perfect. The ladies at the bank always dress up so I thought they would appreciate a customer who put in equal effort. Unfortunately there was some confusion. I had planned my costume diligently, right down to the plastic Tommy Gun. John Dillinger was who I was supposed to be. But since I am president of the (proposed) procrastinator’s club my idea was to be in costume a week or two late, a right funny joke by my standards. So the teller asked me, “what’s the deal with the old... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Something funny going on here.

Military disgraced! All revealed in last Sunday’s Beetle Bailey cartoon. How many years has it been? Beetle Bailey is still in training for God’s sake! He should be ready to hang up his fatigues and deal with civilian life by now one would think. I mean, when I went through boot camp I found out two things; (1) It wasn’t a bunch of shoes in tents and (2) It was like boy scout camp only with scoutmasters that bellowed everything they said at the top of their lungs which eventually gave them... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, November 6, 2005

The 60 second therapist.

Therapy, in one minute? I know, it sounds crazy and hey, I should know from crazy. When I got up this morning my shoes didn’t want to go on my feet, they felt I walked all over them. My sandals were more open though and gladly went along. As I was scooping the cat box I wondered why things weren’t reversed. Shouldn’t there be a big sand box in the corner of the bathroom and the critters would tend to it? The cat told me to forget that so I left a dead box of Cheerios in front of her bowl. My... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, November 5, 2005

The search for humor.

Did you hear the one about the atheist, the nun and the camel? Of course not, and I don’t have any idea where to go with it either. A look at the new headlines usually turns up something chuckleworthy. Not today. Riots in Paris, riots in Argentina, things don’t look so good. The Argentineans don’t like the FTAA (free trade area of the Americas) and broke into shops to prove their disapproval. Of course looting is the ultimate free trade area so that goes against their protests, so to speak. I... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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