Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Sleep aid has surprising side effects.

The ads are alluring. People drift off to a restful nights sleep, awaken invigorated and decide to run for president the next day, it’s that good. As with all medications, there are side effects and warnings. One of the warnings is not to take the product unless you have a full eight hours to devote to sleep. Hell, if I had a full eight hours to devote to sleep, I wouldn’t need a sleep aid now would I? That’s the problem, we are so stressed out and trying to pack as much into every day as we... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:25 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, December 12, 2005

Clap on, crap gone.

The ingenious minds that brought you the Clapper have come up with yet another device to make your life just that much closer to Nirvana. As the population ages and range of mobility decreases, many find they are no longer able to turn around or stoop over to activate the flush handle on the old toilet. Now Crapload Industries has married the modern marvel of the Clapper to the aged technology of human waste disposal, namely the toilet to release humans from one more boring task. Using a remote... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:29 AM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, December 10, 2005

The wonder full world of science?

“Nasal Spray Halts Alzheimer’s in Mice” A real headline from the January 2006 Discover Magazine. Ok, first of all, wouldn’t it be better to induce Alzheimer’s in mice? Then they would wander out of our homes and forget to come back. But no……science can cure them and zippo they come careening back into your home to build a nest in your oatmeal box. “Oh look, there are miniature raisins in our oatmeal!” “Damn, the mice are back, take that to the food bank.” From the same issue, “Mosquito-Borne... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:26 AM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, December 8, 2005

Loco Radio.

At work I am forced to listen to local radio. Either that, or my own insane ramblings. So the radio it is. Local radio used to be a D.J. who was someone you knew playing records from the local studio. When we first moved here, they played classical music on an A.M. station. In those days I just listened to my own insane and inane ramblings. Then they went to a country format. But not the country one thinks of. They had songs like “Drop Kick Me Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life.” That one... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:13 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, December 5, 2005

Review, The Lion King onstage.

Overpowering in it’s scope, weaving a rich tapestry combining special effects that re-create the African Savannah and loony characters with a great sense of timing. The Lion King was performed at the Spokane Washington Opera House with a run from October 27 th to December 4 th. We saw the Saturday night show. My kids were too young for the Lion King movie so I wasn’t really familiar with the story and such but that was not a problem. From our second balcony seats my old tired eyes played tricks... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:13 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, December 2, 2005

It COULD happen.

Crapload News Hollywood Hotline reports Anne Heche, famous sexual switch hitter is once again interested in the opposite sex. The opposite sex of the men she has been seeing that is. And who could be more opposite than Courtney Love? Word around Tinsel town has it that these two are involved in a very emotional on again - off again tryst. Our reporter, Molly Maligner recently interviewed the pair and came away with this impression: “Well while they seemed all a twitter, I would say of their... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 5:15 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, December 1, 2005

It COULD happen.

Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter in a move to capture today’s TV viewing audience’s thirst for political discussion shows, televised poker tournaments and ever more revealing displays of the human body, these two conservatives will do the unthinkable. They will debate liberalism in San Francisco, engage in a game of strip poker but in a nod to traditional conservatism will not remove any articles of clothing. Yes look for it on a channel near you, The No Skin Zone. Film at 11:00 Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:23 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Anatomical Correctness.

Consider the Pillsbury Doughperson. So completely sexless he/she or more correctly it can appear absolutely nude on nationwide TV and the FCC doesn’t even raise an eyebrow. Next time you see it look closely at the main sexual differential areas. That’s right, no chest bumps, no chest hair, not anywhere. Lower your gaze to the crotch, no hangy down, sticky up or split apart parts to be seen. This answers the mystery of why there are no choruses of dough persons singing Pillsbury’s praises. There... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:42 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, November 26, 2005

A brief history of Santa Clause.

In the beginning there was no Santa Clause. There were only Adam and Eve and they were Jehovah’s Witnesses so there were no gifts. Soon after, they procreated, (which they did like pro’s, naturally) and then there were children who rebelled (yeah, I know you’re thinking rebels without a Clause, don’t get ahead of me) who had children who rebelled even more and soon there were Christians and Christmas. The wise men (forefather’s of Sam Walton) saw to it that gift giving would become a tradition... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:59 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Politically correct Superheroes.

Tired of all the leaping of tall buildings with a single bound? Seen the ‘faster than a speeding bullet’ routine one too many times? Do you yawn when a man in a cape and tights stops a powerful locomotive dead in its tracks? How are we to have any shred of self-esteem when we live in a world full of superheroes that project an image we can never hope to attain? Never fear, the government has seen fit to right the wrongs with a new collection of heroes for “every-person”. So don’t be surprised,... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:22 AM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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