Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, January 1, 2006

New Year’s Revolutions. (re-done and re-run)

Face it, what about a new year makes one think they can miraculously turn their lives around? If it wasn’t important enough to make the change before the flop of a calendar page, what makes it a panacea come January 1, 2006? That is why most resolutions fail. They start off on a note of procrastination. For instance: July 4 th “I really need to stop drinking so much (retch) but I think it seems like a good New Year’s resolution.” Hell most of us want to stop drinking on Jan 1 anyway. What... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:19 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Television, Opiate for the masses?

If that has not been said before, it should have been. It really sounds like something someone else said so if it was you, I apologize and bow to your all encompassing knowledge and eruditeness. I was just putting together a proposal for the local paper to see if they are interested in doing one of those automotive review columns that offers a local perspective. I wandered out to start a fire and let that stew when I turned on the TV. I found myself captivated by an airing of “Benny Hill” and... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:45 AM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The ping-pong mind

I am restless and can’t decide what to make fun of. Since no one particular subject seems deserving of derision, I am going to just take pot shots here and there. No, a pot shot is not like a straight shot. Well, it could be but then I wouldn’t be coherent enough to remember and then I wouldn’t finish, provided I even got started. What was I saying? Oh yeah, “let’s make drugs legal” is the cry of some ‘enlightened’ minds. We already have two legal drugs, why do we need more? With the new smoking... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:22 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, December 26, 2005

Santa's Monday

Scene: The North Pole Santa’s workshop is strewn with tools, paint spatters and parts of unfinished toys everywhere. The eleves have all left for the Bahamas and a well-earned vacation. Rudolph and the other reindeer are sleeping off their returning to the pole party. Rudolph’s nose was glowing at the company party, but not as a beacon, more as a sign of too much vodka. Santa and Mrs. Clause are sleeping late, it has been a difficult year. In all, the percentage of naughty to nice is rising but... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:27 PM | add or view comments (7) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Santa – with an attitude.

Want to thrill the “kids” in your life? Find some empty boxes, tape them securely. Now with a large felt marker, make an “X” on all sides of the box, then wrap it up all pretty. Yes, then when they unwrap it and look at you quizzically, you can say, “well, I heard you say you wanted an X-Box!” Let me know how that works, ok? Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:08 AM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, December 23, 2005

Picture this.

Digital photography is all the rage. Now that I have taken that step I find myself enmeshed in that rage. First there is the instruction manual. I don’t know Singaporese, it was no help at all until my wife suggested it was upside-down. After reading 47 pages I learned that misuse of my new toy could lead to injury or even death! Death, to me seems a somewhat serious result of trying to take a photo of a Petunia. As with all new electronics, the battery had to be charged before I could even... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:42 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, December 19, 2005

The saga of the snowblower continued:

Shiny new snow blower with slightly bent handles. The beer stop took longer than I anticipated, but my attitude has improved greatly. The whole unloading farce seems just the tiniest bit funny to even me by now. Ok, time for the oil. I carefully check the label to make sure I have the recommended product, but all these seem to be fuzzy, bad printing no doubt. After double-checking the manual three times, I open the oil and begin pouring. Not wanting to overfill I keep checking the dipstick. I am... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:03 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Shiny new Snow Blower

Snow removal, I have decided, is not a job suited for ancient technology such as snow shovels. What I need is a shiny new snow blower. A mighty snow throwing machine should make this arduous task something I will look forward to! So there it is in the back of my pickup glistening in the failing light of dusk and I am eager to unload it and get on with blowing some snow. It looks sorta heavy though. The neighbors have already gathered at their windows to watch this process. Somehow, my yard... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:16 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

The Exorcist Returns. And they aren’t happy returns. Ever since Linda Blair practiced spinning her head around, tales of the demonically possessed are hot as the devil. Stories about of possessed televisions, radios, houses, cars and yes somewhere probably even a possessed Twinkie. What possesses these Hollywood producers to churn out endless films featuring projectile vomiting? If you’ve seen one starlet puke, you’ve seen them all puke. Houses drip blood and blood banks fairly explode in these... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:07 AM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, December 16, 2005

The Buzz on Coffee.

A good hot cup of Joe? Forget that, now its all Lattes, Espressos, Mochas and premium blends from a country you have never heard of before. One thing “gourmet” coffees have in common is, they are strong. Not only do they need to be served in industrial strength cups, they also are gritty, something you can really get your teeth into. The grit combined with the strength make it taste like something you scraped off the bottom of your shoe. And for this you pay a premium price to boot, pun most... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:48 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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