Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Baby Boomer Investments.

As baby boomers begin to enter the ranks of “the golden years” look for their sheer numbers to influence the financial performance of certain products. Some of my favorites: The adult diaper market should fill out nicely, with Depends cornering this uncontrolled climb in popularity. Erectile Dysfunction aids will see their profits swell and harden into a thrusting niche providing much needed relief to the drug companies. Mobility enhancers including canes, walkers, wheel chairs and electric... Sign in to see full entry.

A book review featuring of all things – boogers.

I am not making this up, I just finished reading Dave Barry’s Boogers Are My Beat, and it sure is funny. I had heard Dave has written a murder mystery, but this is not it, unless I am as dimwitted as some of the characters (mostly politicians) in this book. This is another compilation of his wildly popular columns. He covers everything from political conventions to the search for the funniest joke (which by the way, isn’t even dirty). One danger of reading Mr. Dave Barry, (by the way, the... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Adventures in everyday life.

I accidentally got into my wife’s pants this morning. You see, I was bumbling around in the closet and it was dark and…. Well, let me back this story up a bit, you may be getting the wrong idea. I do my own laundry. The bulk of my jeans are black denim since it hides the soot I get on them at my job as a wood stove combustions systems tester. My wife also wear black jeans, for style. I got a pair of hers mixed in with mine and I think you get the picture. Odd, isn’t it, that women’s blouses... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Headlines and smartass reactions.

Report finds obesity may be health threat. Whoa! What have the doctors been telling us for years? Who is it that is just now finding out that bearing a resemblance to a pachyderm isn’t doing your heart any good? Oh, it’s a study that contrasts with Government findings, now it all becomes clear. Did Ted Kennedy have anything to do with this study? Bush warns of upcoming political turmoil in Iraq. Duh! Even my Eight Ball predicted that one, six years ago. Is there anyone who is under the delusion... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

It ain’t Rocket Science.

And it’s probably a good thing. The last Space Shuttle was damaged by insulation after a lengthy period of time spent trying to keep just that from happening. Now, that was Rocket Science. The results were less than stellar. ~smirk~ Imagine this process in everyday life. George walks out in his yard, steps on a rake he has carelessly left lying in the grass and it smacks him in the forehead. He spends the next three years re-designing the rake. The big day of the test arrives and he can’t find... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, January 8, 2006

Have you got protection?

The sturgeon general reports that not all fish eggs are caviar. In matters of roe, it’s caveat emptor. Speaking of roe v wade, did you know the seat across a boat is called thwart? Furthermore, sometimes sitting on such a seat will cause a wart. So how do you thwart a wart you got from a thwart? Thilly, I don’t know. I was visiting my therapist the other day, a strange little lady named Thera. I refuse to pay the fee because I wasn’t feeling any better. Now, in plain pidgin English, Thera... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, January 6, 2006

Reaching for the sky? Look out for bird poop.

Merchandiser fails to live up to analysts expectations, stock market dives. You’ve seen the headline before as you watch your stocks, mutual funds, 401K, etc. wither up and retirement seems a fantasy. Who are these self appointed “experts” that are always making these projections? Why is it always the fault of the company if they don’t live up to them? Management wants a sales projection. Middle management knows it is managerial suicide to predict a downturn in sales (even though all indicators... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, January 5, 2006

An old take on the Winter Olympics. The first Olympic competitors were nude! Yes, that is real history that you can look up in a real history book. I don’t know when they made them put gym shorts on, but I have to think it was just after they started to let women compete and suddenly all the men were pole vaulters, if you get my drift. Either that, or the advent of the Winter Olympics brought forth clothing for the athletes. Modern societies are always wanting to show how progressive they are.... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

Star Trek – The Musical

The curtain goes up, a giant space vessel prop appears in the background. The crew, in shadow, make their way on stage with slow-motion Gazelle steps until they form a circle around Captain James Tiberius Kirk. They hum and sway slowly back and forth as a Royal Blue spotlight trains on Kirk’s face, he throws his hands up dramatically and squints at the audience and begins to (ulp) sing – “I am the captainwhere’smy……..ship?” The crew circles clockwise – “He is the captainwhere’shis……..ship?” Kirk... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, January 2, 2006

Spam the Sham.

I am the luckiest person on the freaking planet! Why just today alone, I have received e-mails telling me that I have won at least four international lotteries! Wow! And I didn’t even have to buy a ticket, this is just too good to be true. I have also won a vacation and someone wants me to pick out some property so they can pay for it. I have also won a laptop and a $10,000 scholarship. Not only that it appears I have qualified for a free plastic surgery consultation. Are there cameras in my... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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