Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Thursday, February 9, 2006

Read this blog and get a rebate.

That’s right, read and in 4 to 6 years I will personally send you 7 words back! What a deal, but act now, offer void where it exceeds the statute of good sense. Is anyone else fed up with the rebate game? If they are serious, why not just reduce the price by the rebate amount? That is what is going to happen anyway, unless you are lazy, dis-organized and generally not prone to filling out the paperwork, copying your receipt and cutting out the UPC code and sending them in a hermetically sealed... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

Dyslexic Alpha Beta Soup. Lovingly re-done

I walked into a steel beam today. I knew it was there, it has been for the five years I have worked there…still….CLANG!!! For a second I thought maybe it was canvas time but I could still see how many fingers I was holding up so I proceeded on with my day, no more confused than before. Why I was giving myself the finger, I’ll never know. Sometimes I worry about myself, but then I realize, that is being narcissistic and I don’t really know what those flowers look like, but I do like lilacs. You... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Scientific boners.

No, not an excited particle physicist, these scientists were found to be, uhm, well, faking it. These are very real and serious matters (not that it matters to me) reported in the March, 2006 Discover magazine on page 19. First, a Korean biologist claimed he had “cloned stem cells from 11 different patients”. The trouble is, for a scientific method to be accepted, it must be verified. Other people have to be able to reproduce the experiment and get the claimed results. Remember cold fusion,... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, February 6, 2006

Half time at the Super Bowl.

Sorry Janet Jackson fans, the only boobs we got to see were the referees. How about that Mick Jagger? If he can’t get no satisfaction, what about me? I don’t stand a chance, it’s not like I’m going to meet a Honky tonk woman setting here at this computer now is it? My life is like oatmeal, what I need is some brown sugar, or maybe I could be mother’s little helper. The Stones are going to be performing even when they are in wheelchairs, then they will be truly rocking and rolling. Strangely,... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, February 5, 2006

Gravity doesn’t exist.

Isaac Newton, meet the apple. They hit it off famously. We all know what gravity does, it’s just that nobody knows exactly what gravity is. As the years go by, gravity is that strange force that makes the numbers on one’s digital scale increase. One can add gravity to one’s body by increasing food intake, but at the same time, one cannot actually touch gravity. Consider the age-old riddle – which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Herein lies the crux of the matter. Doesn’t it... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Off the cuff.

Face it, life doesn’t make much sense. Or is it that we poor humans can’t understand what is really happening? We have great tools at our command to understand life. There is religion to explain the unexplainable. Logic to order our thoughts. Science to explore and manipulate nature. Psychotherapy to fill in the blanks the others miss. Shrink: “Now Mr. Smith, just take this pencil and draw something that will explain what it is that you are feeling.” Mr. Smith does not respond, he stares... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

State of the Onion.

Crapload News peels back the layers in this eye watering special report. Reporters are gathered around to tell us just exactly what it was everyone said, even though we can hear the words perfectly well on our own. Through the magic of electronics, Crapload News has been able to focus a neutrino beam on each politician and decode their thoughts. We will be able to tell you what they were thinking, no matter what they say. Let’s try it out on the President right now, CLN “Mr. Bush, you appear to... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Breakfast at the Hard Rock Café.

I called out for another drink, the waiter brought a tray. Tracy Chapman got arrested for speeding, turns out she really does have a fast car. Mornings at the Hard Rock start off with a stiff drink. Then the gossip begins. Someone mentions, “I heard David Blaine got married.” Her friend answers, “oh really, who did he sweep off of her feet now?” Carlos Santana leans over and whispers, “some black magic woman.” Steve Miller adds, “abracadabra.” I thought he was going to reach out and grab me.... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Between a rock and a hard spot.

Dinner at the Hardrock café. Mick Jagger was my waiter. “What’s good?” I asked. Mick replied, “I’ll surprise you.” He then brought me a piece of Granite on a Croissant. “Do you recommend this?” I asked. He answered, “I know it’s only rock and roll, but I like…..like it….. yes I do.” Somehow I knew he wasn’t just giving it lip service. Then Bob Dylan walked by, he had an unusual gait, sort of like a rolling stone. And he wandered about, no direction known. At that moment James Brown came in. I... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Exercising in the shower.

I may be all wet, but it does sound like a good idea. Never let them see you sweat, and who could tell in the shower? Never let them see you in the shower may be more sage advice. The precipitator of all this thought sits in our living room like some strange mutated cross between a longhorn cow and a unicycle. It is an elliptical trainer. Yes, the exercise bug has bitten Mr. & Mrs. F4T. She walks at lunch, I work through lunch, generally. The roads are snow covered, so walking to work would be... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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