Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

What the government doesn’t want you to know.

Who designed the recent “improvement” to the Medicare system? Crapload News has unearthed documents hidden in a Texas worm farm that reveal the designers of the Medicare “improvement” were none other than Larry, Moe and Curly. Now you know why you want to poke your fingers in your eyes when you try to wade through this abomination. If you go online, there is a cute little 10 minute demonstration of the utility that is used to find out which plan you are going to need. Ok, I live out in the... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, March 5, 2006

It was an e e cummings kind of day.

When up I Woke, life whacked my consciousness like sticking my nose into a spoke, the wheel stopped, but my nose didn’t. When I went outside to get the Sunday Paper it was warm, the paper was too, so I decided to the out I would so I could do projects go. Breakfast was down so into the great outdoors I went only to find the wind whipping foamy whitecaps on my smooth sailing plans. Never mind that I wasn’t sailing, but had I been, I wouldn’t. Before I could put everything or even anything away,... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, March 4, 2006

I know I've said it before, shopping makes me dizzy.

The Great Shopping Conspiracy. Deep in the air circulation system at your favorite (fill in the blank) __________Mart, Grocery Store, Superstore, Warehouse store or chain store is a secret chamber. It is in this chamber that a substance is released into the airflow. A substance that is specifically designed to affect human beings in very calculated ways. The substance is the mysterious Idiotium a colorless, odorless gas that affects the central nervous system of shoppers. Expose the male of the... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, March 3, 2006

I learned something by watching the news…

America stinks. That’s right, evidence clearly shows us to be a nation of stinkers. That is, if the commercial breaks are to be believed. During the news there must have been at least 47 commercials for air fresheners, freshening fans, sprays, candles, de-oderants (I’ll never get into that little black dress) and products to keep one’s feminine parts (if you are so equipped) fresh as a daisy. One products alternates between two different scents, supposedly so your nose won’t get accustomed to... Sign in to see full entry.

I remember my first time.

Hunched up in the back seat of a ’59 VW Beetle zipping along the freeway, I was nauseous, felt my head spinning and on the brink of car sickness, I was digesting my first cup of espresso. Yes, ironically, it was in pre-Starbucks Seattle. We had gone into a little shop in the U district (University of Washington, home of everything new and cool in WA) and got a cup of espresso. My cousin was taking classes there and knew all the “in” places. My wife and I had gone to visit relatives over there,... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, March 2, 2006

Gonna have to face it, you’re addicted…

I just had my fix, I’ll be good for a couple of hours, right now, I’m a little sleepy though. I’ve tried going with out it, but I start to get irritable, then weak and finally I fear I would just fall into a heap and die. That’s what food does for me. While it may not technically be fair to call eating an addiction, the reactions are alarmingly similar. One of the people in the movie “What the bleep do we know” put forth the proposition that habits and personality traits are genuine addictions.... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 1, 2006

There is someone living in my head.

He wants to get me in trouble. He has a smart mouth and can be quite uncouth, and yes, sometimes even couth. I was watching Mike Meyers (you know, Austin Powers, that Mike Meyers) and he was saying he is painfully shy. He gets around it by fixating on one person in the audience at a time and works like he is talking to that one person. How many of us are shy? I am raising my hand, it is a wonder I am even married. Yet, it was I who volunteered to be the announcer at a motorcycle race that was... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I don’t know what from Shinola?

Just don’t try to shine your shoes with s**t, it does a crappy job. Now, it occurs to me this is a dying saying. Who wears shoes that need to be polished anymore? Most of them are made of vinyl and you just hose them off, should you happen to step in some Shinola. Indeed; some of the shoes that are sold wear out so fast, they don’t require shining. Who has time to shine shoes anyway, these days? We are all busy on the blogging sites, making cell phone calls, or watching concocted reality shows... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Hookers go on strike!

If prostitutes had a union and they went on strike, would it be a stand up strike? If people that compulsively clean their noses out with their fingers had a union, that would be one picket line I wouldn’t want to cross. If crochet aficionados formed a union would they call themselves the United Hookers? If pimps had a union and went on strike…who am I kidding, they are always striking. If Pit Bulls had a union and went on strike, would they then not mangle anyone until their demands for dental... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Cramming for a drug test, re-visited

Do they still have drug tests? All the unemployment I have been experiencing has me thinking about the possibility of finding a new job and I cringe at the thought that I may have to take the feared drug test. I hope not, cause the last one nearly killed me. Let me explain. Some say we’re slow up here in these parts, but most of us drive pretty fast so I don’t know why they say that. I heard we were going to have to take a random drug test at my last job, and I took it pretty serious. Three... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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