Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Friday, December 8, 2006

It’s the weekend and my end is weak

Friday finally arrives and just in time, my head is completely empty. I haven’t the mental capacity left to fill out one more form or achieve one more goal. I have given it all in the name of increasing the Gross National Product of whatever country this is, I’m so shot I don’t recall any more. Now the people that make fake barf are really into gross national products, but let’s not cry over spilt groceries. I wonder, if you use fake vomit, do you get a fake hangover? Talk about gross national... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:47 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, December 7, 2006

Oh! #%^&@#!! Christmas lights

Time was when I would light up my house like an international airport. I had strings of varying lengths, colors and types of bulbs to drape around my humble abode to my demented hearts’ delight. I had jars of cup hooks, spare bulbs, extension cords, timers and all the things it takes to do a modest display. No, I’m not one of the strange few that start in mid-August to put up a Christmas display, in fact, I would be lucky to start in mid-December. And then something happened, my kids left home.... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:38 PM | add or view comments (13) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Remember this?

A new Church is born And they want you clean up your act. At least if we are to believe Church head honcho Nosin Yerbiznez. Crapload News has yet another exclusive that will (most likely) have you mumbling “holy crap” to yourself and no one in general, generally. This sect, from the outskirts of Salt Lake City, Utah has some rather unusual tenets, to say the least according to top news ace Buick Riviera. Operating under the mission statement, “cleanliness is next to Godliness” the church demands... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:14 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Great gift ideas.

Are you stumped by what to get for that hard-to-get-anything-for person on your list? Well, so am I. A lot of people seem to have everything they need and have little room for knick-knack kinds of things. “Oh my, isn’t this cute” they exclaim as they unwrap yet another hallmark tree ornament of someone in an outhouse, while inwardly they are thinking, “another damn thing to dust and remember to put out when these creeps come to my house.” So herewith are my great gift ideas, which you will find... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:43 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, December 3, 2006

No Christmas for the ugly?

Hallmark Channel is now the “all Christmas all day channel”. They trot out story after story about beautiful people falling in love on Christmas and beating amazing odds of getting together on that magical day. I have already seen enough Christmas specials that they are starting to make me slightly nauseated and it is only the 4 th of December. One thing I have noticed all these specials have in common is; there are apparently no ugly people that fall in love on Christmas, and I find that just a... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:24 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, November 27, 2006

Winter’s icy blasts It may look like an idyllic white Christmas scene to some, but to me it is leaden with horrors that would make “Nightmare on Elm Street” look tame by comparison. “The white blanket of snow lies heavy o’er the land” might be the thoughts of the poet, but my thoughts are more like “I’d like to be able to wave my hand and have this cold crap disappear.” First, I must find my snow shovel. I know I put it away last spring, but where that might be at this juncture, I have no idea.... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:00 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Horrible puns, severe pun alert, Danger, Danger.

Did you hear about the politician who had a parakeet outside his window wake him up every morning at 4:00 a.m.? One day he finally had enough and used his 12 gauge shotgun to solve the problem. It’s ironic that when someone criticizes his policies he accuses them of taking a cheep shot. Ok, so I hadn’t worked that out thoroughly, but for the price, what do you expect, Mark Freaking Twain? How about his opponents can now truthfully accuse him of taking a cheep shot? Yeah, I like that better. More... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:42 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Hurry up holiday.

Thanksgiving is literally around the corner. And most of us can’t wait for it to be here. We are already fidgety about having to work tomorrow. A lot of us will work a short day and even that bothers us. We want to get on with the gathering of family and friends, the visiting, eating, drinking, the usual holiday stuff. For us, the trip to grandma’s house actually is over the river and through the woods. Not only that, we get to go to a foreign country, not that Canada is all that foreign, but... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:13 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, November 19, 2006

I couldn’t freaking believe it

People lined up with sleeping bags, portable heaters, lawn chairs and who knows what else to stave off the chilly evening breeze that threatened to become something more. Was it to see the Beatles reunion? Was a new Star Wars movie about to be released? Were they awaiting the return of the Messiah? No, nothing as earth shaking as any of those, they were lining up to get their hands on the new, much coveted by those with muscular thumbs, Play Station 3. Spokane Washington is not temperate, it can... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:13 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The Lone Stranger and Pronto

A cloud of hooves, the thunder of dust, and a hearty “HI-yo Campbells Soup – Away!” Is it just me, or is there something unsettling about the Lone Ranger and Tonto? First, they are the frontier version of Dragnet. You know? And here we have two men who keep the old west in order from horseback, nonetheless they look as if their cowboy and Indian suits have just come back from the neighborhood laundry. Not only that, but all those long nights setting around the camp-fire, don’t you think the... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:47 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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