Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Friday, June 22, 2007

Extreme sports for Baby Boomers

How fast can you click your remote control? Thirty seven hundred channels per hour? Do you really know the best routes to anywhere? Yes, baby boomers, sharpen your skills as the extreme craze makes it’s way into our ranks. Take the mundane task of lawn mowing for example, extreme mowing takes laser guidance to make a sharp pattern on that green carpet and be sure all the blades of grass are within.1mm in length. Don’t just wash that car, Extreme wash it and make sure you detail it with Q-tips... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Surefire weight loss

Want to lose some weight? Here is how you can do it. First, the disclaimer, there is one small detail I haven’t worked out yet, but then, I am not charging anything for this information. Ok, now, here’s what you do, just put the pounds you want to lose next to your car keys. The next thing you know, those nasty pounds will be gone! Me: “Say have you seen my car keys?” Wife: “Can’t say I have, is it my job to keep track of your crap….holy moly, just look at you all fit and trim, come here you... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Water, water everywhere

I was only trying to help my mother. She had a leak under her sink. I took a look at it and thought “now that should be an easy fix.” I haven’t learned, even after all these years that statement is only uttered by idiots or morons and mostly moronidiots, or idiotmorons, whichever category one happens to fit in. So I had all the parts to replace the leaky fittings, we had turned the water off and drained the lines as best we could. With the faucet off and no water coming out, I started to saw... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

You’re all writers, you tell me!

Why do I think the way I do? At work I am distracted constantly. Boss: Expecting great results, “So, how is that Scalawag account coming along?” Me: In my mind only “What breed is a Scalawag and do they really wag their tails all the time?” To him, “Huh?” Later that same day. Boss: Looking slightly perturbed, “Mrs. Money Bumps is on the phone looking for an update on her portfolio, take the call on line 7.” Me: Again, in my mind only, “Hmmm, odd name, Money Bumps, I wonder if she has had breast... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Adventures in home-owner land

Today, we will install a new water heater. Are you ready? Be careful now, you could get injured, killed or both if you fail to follow the safety instructions. First, do not ship by air freight as the unit cannot survive the impact of the landing, even with a big-assed parachute. Second, if you do ship by air, do not attempt to break the fall of the unit, you could be injured, killed, or possibly both in no particular order. Once you have the unit securely on the ground, do not attempt to install... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Why do we have sports?

They serve no necessary function after all. The world will not stop spinning if the Yankees don’t ante up zillions of dollars for more new players next year. Texas won’t fall off the map if someone decides to re-name the Rangers, the Hoovers, for obvious reasons. Sports are the original reality entertainment. No script, at least not if it’s on the up-and-up. Players don’t get voted off one at a time in contrived plot twists. They all keep going until the final whistle, gong, flag or towel is... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

That "man" e-mail

I just received this e-mail. I know it is supposed to be funny, and it is, after all I do have a sense of humor. That being said, I include my observations in blue for your consideration and/or amusement. Men Are Just Happier People: -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? First, we are simple because we obey the orders of women. It is easier to get you ass chewed for asking “where are my clothes?” than to pick your own clothes out and get that ass chewing. Your last name stays put.... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Insights gained from camping

Nature provides many things the rugged outdoor person can take advantage of. One of these things are the plethora of leaves to take the place of toilet tissue in the wild. However, one would be wise to make sure to know the difference between the velvety soft leaves of the Mullen and the not-so-nice leaves of the Poison Ivy. Believe me, that is one Ivy League you don’t want to join. Not if you like to sit down much anyway. Another tip for those performing bathroom duties far-a-field, make sure... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

A thought upside the head

My brain plays tricks on me. The other day we were talking about getting our work area organized. That spurred my brain, which caused me to blurt out, “hey, do you suppose truckers are semi-organized?” Groans all around. But I couldn’t take it back, the cat was out of the bag and darned glad to be there too. Maybe it’s because we have a lot of work to do and no time for minute details like being organized. We have too many hot irons on our plate that jumped out of the fire. Or something like... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

When truth is stranger than…well, you decide.

Double proxy marriage takes the trouble out of becoming a couple. Yes, I know, it sounds ludicrous, but in the Big Sky state of Montana, it is possible to become married and not have to set foot in the courthouse or even slip the ring on your beloved’s finger. Neither I, not the great state of Montana can be held responsible if you just blew a snootfull of Dr. Pepper all over your keyboard and monitor. Consider this while you try to wipe the sticky goo out of the inner workings of your keyboard.... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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